Good morning y’all. As we get closer to R-Day, I find myself counting down the days. I’m very blessed and excited for this opportunity, yet find myself dread leaving. I’ve wanted to serve my country my entire life, and now I’ll be able to do that! But I’m dreading leaving my HS sweetheart. We’ve been together since sophomore year, and she’s off to Purdue, while I’m heading to West Point. She’s go with the flow, and not worried about us at all, while I’m here dreading leaving. I’m not worried she’ll cheat, I’m just more worried she’ll lose feelings after not being able to talk while I’m in BEAST. Guess I wanted to post this for a few reasons. First being I’m tired of telling my gf this and figured it’d be nice to put it out here (see if anyone else has done it, or going through similar situation) and to maybe get some advice from y’all. Thanks.
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2010
- Messages
- 1,185
Many thoughts on this @wp25 . I'm a 2% club member. 2% of committed boy friend/girl friend relationships that enter the academy will have them when they graduate. It's hard, but not impossible. If she loses feelings for you after only 6 weeks of not being able to engage in verbal communication - it was never going to work. Period.
There will be times at school and in the operational Army where you have to go radio silent. You will not have a choice. There will be times where you are restricted as a Plebe. There will be times you need to focus on academics. Today's connectivity options make this challenge far less than it was even just a few years ago. I would see my girlfriend on average once every 3 months - Parent's weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, event weekend like a school dance, and summer.
She has to know the plan. She has to be on board with your mission to graduate USMA. It's a team effort and she is either helping you succeed at the team plan or she is detracting from your objective. If you have not had the difficult conversation about the next 4 years, you should. Be laser focused in your goals - put it out there, let her process it, and see what side of the fence she ends up on.
There will be times at school and in the operational Army where you have to go radio silent. You will not have a choice. There will be times where you are restricted as a Plebe. There will be times you need to focus on academics. Today's connectivity options make this challenge far less than it was even just a few years ago. I would see my girlfriend on average once every 3 months - Parent's weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, event weekend like a school dance, and summer.
She has to know the plan. She has to be on board with your mission to graduate USMA. It's a team effort and she is either helping you succeed at the team plan or she is detracting from your objective. If you have not had the difficult conversation about the next 4 years, you should. Be laser focused in your goals - put it out there, let her process it, and see what side of the fence she ends up on.
Just knowing other people make it really reassures me, so thank you. I have already talked to her about serving and she’s very supportive, I’m just worried that it’ll be more difficult than she anticipates. Once every three months isn’t the worst - I’m guessing on Parents’ Weekend and the events, she came to you?
I was wondering what tips/advice you can give me in regards to making your relationship work. What did you and DW do to “keep the spark”? I know I’m probably way overthinking but this girl is very important to me, and I could see myself marrying her after graduating USMA. Losing her would be devastating.
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2008
- Messages
- 20,583
Think of it as practice for your officer years, if you are still together, when you are deployed and communications are sparse. If you can make it through Beast and USMA, you have a solid relationship based on trust, mutual respect and the ability to fly solo as needed.
Part of this is the inevitable letting go of everything familiar to embrace everything new, location, lifestyle, people, all of it at once. There is a tendency to hang on to what you know a bit tighter.
Talk about how you can creatively bridge the communications gap. Write her letters from Beast; there is something solid about snail mail in the hand. Arrange for her to get flowers for any special days or no reason at all (major points there) while you are out of touch. Buy a bunch of silly cards, write a funny note or recall a special time, address/stamp them, number them, have your parents mail them at intervals while you are OOC.
Take each day as it comes. You will either figure it out or not. And that is okay. Not every great relationship is the forever relationship. Some are just right for a certain time of life but don’t carry over to the next phase. Just promise each other to be honest with each other if feelings change on either side.
Part of this is the inevitable letting go of everything familiar to embrace everything new, location, lifestyle, people, all of it at once. There is a tendency to hang on to what you know a bit tighter.
Talk about how you can creatively bridge the communications gap. Write her letters from Beast; there is something solid about snail mail in the hand. Arrange for her to get flowers for any special days or no reason at all (major points there) while you are out of touch. Buy a bunch of silly cards, write a funny note or recall a special time, address/stamp them, number them, have your parents mail them at intervals while you are OOC.
Take each day as it comes. You will either figure it out or not. And that is okay. Not every great relationship is the forever relationship. Some are just right for a certain time of life but don’t carry over to the next phase. Just promise each other to be honest with each other if feelings change on either side.
This is also some really solid advice. I’m already planning to have a schedule set for her to randomly receive flowers, and I’ve definitely talked to her about sending/receiving letters. The part where you say BEAST is a trial for how things will be in the future, and that if we can get through that - things will be okay - really sounds with me. Thank you.
In regards to not every great relationship being the forever relationship hits hard. This girl is my first gf, first kiss, first everything. The thought of things not working out devastates me.
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2017
- Messages
- 787
Failed 2% club here--it is an incredibly difficult road to go down, however well worth it if you believe you will be able to maintain the relationship. I reached a point with my old S.O. where we decided we needed to grow up independently for awhile, if not permanently. You will change a lot when you get here, and she will change a lot too. She won't understand your specific struggles and you won't understand her sense of freedom. You will not see each other much, especially during COVID times. I saw mine once last semester for a few hours.
I don't know if it is a hot take but I recommend you talk to your girlfriend about what being a military spouse means. Do your research and find some people to talk to her about their experiences. Be extremely realistic; you owe that much to her. It is not easy. Whether it works or not you will come out of it being a better person for having met them, but sometimes the timing isn't right.
I don't know if it is a hot take but I recommend you talk to your girlfriend about what being a military spouse means. Do your research and find some people to talk to her about their experiences. Be extremely realistic; you owe that much to her. It is not easy. Whether it works or not you will come out of it being a better person for having met them, but sometimes the timing isn't right.
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2010
- Messages
- 1,185
Are you overthinking it? Yes - but that is perspective from an old guy 20+ years into marriage. In hindsight - if it is meant to be...
Will it be hard? Yes - whatever you or she thinks it will be, it will be 3 times harder.
Tips?
1) She needs to stay busy - very busy. You will be slammed and focused on mission graduation.
2) She can not - repeat - can not be hitting you up with constant I MISS YOU and WHAT ARE YOU DOING kind of comms. She needs to understand you do more before lunch than many can fathom squeezing into their day.
3) If she shows signs of losing sight of the mission and focused solely on how this impacts her - remind her of the plan and if that doesn't correct the behaviour - run. seriously, or it will lead to you likely leaving USMA. remember the mission.
4) Prep her now for future things you are going to encounter - like needing to go silent to focus. You will struggle at something. USMA and SA's having a way of finding your weak spot and there will be times where you have to tune out the world and focus in on school tasks - be it leadership, fitness, or academic. Don't expect her to understand when you say I AM SLAMMED RIGHT NOW. She can't possibly understand it because she isn't experiencing what you are going through. "Can't talk today" is not code for "we are breaking up."
5) It is likely smart to have planned communication points on a Saturday night (for instance) but she needs to know that missing one of those may be out of your control. She needs to understand you literally do not control your schedule or your freedoms. She may plan a quick trip to visit and you get restricted. Again, not a sign you are breaking up - just your reality. TALK ABOUT THESE NOW so she is prepped when it happens because it will.
Limited sample size. You are a smart guy and need to realize your world is going to expand many fold once you depart hometown for USMA. Super happy for you that you found a great girl. Time will tell if she is "the one."
Dating a fellow cadet is not on your radar right now, but you will soon understand how some may choose that route because of shared common experiences and terminology. It is far easier to tell a fellow cadet you are on the verge of ACPro and have an exam you need to focus on. Conversation ends - they get it. I remember having a karate tournament in NYC. My then fiance said - if you can fly to New York, you can fly home.... Actually, it's kind of different. Getting an overnight pass and flying out of town isnt really the same thing as going on a club sponsored event. To her - same thing. To me - very very very different. I still give her crap about that to this day - and she now also recognizes how different those two activities were.
Will it be hard? Yes - whatever you or she thinks it will be, it will be 3 times harder.
Tips?
1) She needs to stay busy - very busy. You will be slammed and focused on mission graduation.
2) She can not - repeat - can not be hitting you up with constant I MISS YOU and WHAT ARE YOU DOING kind of comms. She needs to understand you do more before lunch than many can fathom squeezing into their day.
3) If she shows signs of losing sight of the mission and focused solely on how this impacts her - remind her of the plan and if that doesn't correct the behaviour - run. seriously, or it will lead to you likely leaving USMA. remember the mission.
4) Prep her now for future things you are going to encounter - like needing to go silent to focus. You will struggle at something. USMA and SA's having a way of finding your weak spot and there will be times where you have to tune out the world and focus in on school tasks - be it leadership, fitness, or academic. Don't expect her to understand when you say I AM SLAMMED RIGHT NOW. She can't possibly understand it because she isn't experiencing what you are going through. "Can't talk today" is not code for "we are breaking up."
5) It is likely smart to have planned communication points on a Saturday night (for instance) but she needs to know that missing one of those may be out of your control. She needs to understand you literally do not control your schedule or your freedoms. She may plan a quick trip to visit and you get restricted. Again, not a sign you are breaking up - just your reality. TALK ABOUT THESE NOW so she is prepped when it happens because it will.
Limited sample size. You are a smart guy and need to realize your world is going to expand many fold once you depart hometown for USMA. Super happy for you that you found a great girl. Time will tell if she is "the one."
Dating a fellow cadet is not on your radar right now, but you will soon understand how some may choose that route because of shared common experiences and terminology. It is far easier to tell a fellow cadet you are on the verge of ACPro and have an exam you need to focus on. Conversation ends - they get it. I remember having a karate tournament in NYC. My then fiance said - if you can fly to New York, you can fly home.... Actually, it's kind of different. Getting an overnight pass and flying out of town isnt really the same thing as going on a club sponsored event. To her - same thing. To me - very very very different. I still give her crap about that to this day - and she now also recognizes how different those two activities were.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2010
- Messages
- 1,185
100% realistically. Understand you lose control of your time and your freedoms when you step on campus or join a branch of the military. You know this - be a realist. The Army does not change to your needs. It's the other way around.
If you don’t mind my asking, what do you think you could’ve done differently to maybe still be with her? And - after having gone through the breakup, how did you get through it at USMA?
All of those are great tips and I will definitely do research, and communicate clearly all of that to her. I’ll be sure to stay realistic, but I believe it’s more likely to work out if I believe it will, right?
Usnavy2019
10-Year Member
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2013
- Messages
- 878
As someone who had an LDR for a bit at the Naval Academy, I think the two biggest takeaways I got from that relationship were communication and maturity are two big pieces of the puzzle. I like Point 5 above the most. Set a time to communicate. You will have to make time in your day to communicate. Ensure your SO knows that when you set a time to talk, that "Oh, we can talk later" is not the attitude to go about things with. Like every other post has said, you will not be available all the times, so those little cut outs of time are valuable for both of you and should be treated as such. Communication is setting those expectations and maturity is ensuring both sides hold up their end of the bargain.
A big thing too is that this is your career, not your SO's. Some of the sagest advice I have ever gotten was to not base my career choices off of a partner. If your partner wants you to get stationed at Ft Rucker, but you hate helicopters, it is a recipe for disaster. The right one will follow you wherever you go and wants you to do what makes you happy. Happy wife=happy life and you coming home from work every day miserable does not make a happy wife.
Happy to talk more; you're asking good questions.
A big thing too is that this is your career, not your SO's. Some of the sagest advice I have ever gotten was to not base my career choices off of a partner. If your partner wants you to get stationed at Ft Rucker, but you hate helicopters, it is a recipe for disaster. The right one will follow you wherever you go and wants you to do what makes you happy. Happy wife=happy life and you coming home from work every day miserable does not make a happy wife.
Happy to talk more; you're asking good questions.
Fully, 100% agree with “Happy Wife=Happy Life”. I think my gf is expecting to talk everyday freshman year, but I don’t think that’s likely. What’s a realistic amount of time we’ll be able to talk?
Usnavy2019
10-Year Member
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2013
- Messages
- 878
This is going to sound like a non-answer, but however much you budget. Learning to find a balance between academics, athletics, military, social, and personal pursuits is something you develop. For example, you might be killing academics, so you might be able to budget some time to talk to her. Weekends are usually a pretty good bet. On a daily basis, I was able to shoot a text off here and there, but not substantial conversations. Also, good morning and good night texts usually win some points. It's nice to know you are one of someone's first thoughts getting up in the mornings.
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2008
- Messages
- 20,583
She may have her own hopes and dreams and career aspirations, and she should feel free to explore those, knowing she has your support. They are just as important as yours. They may or may not be compatible with the path you have chosen. Whether or not you can make this work is a step-wise process. You are both maturing into young adults; change is inevitable. Whether you can grow together - that is the challenge.
Day by day.
Communications.
Honesty.
Kindness.
Give and take. Compromise.
Trust.
Being a very good active listener.
Be present in the here and now. Don’t let your brain run off into what-if land far in the future. You have no idea how your life path will bend.
Recognition that mis-aligned assumptions and expectations are often at the root of misunderstandings and comm failures.
No magical thinking.
You will ALWAYS have the special moments you have shared. Having more of those in future will take clear eyes and hard work going forward.
I will hit 39 years with DH this year. I had two serious “grown-up” relationships before him, one college, one as a new JO. Both special and memorable in their own ways. The college one did not understand me going into the Navy. At all. I had places to go, things to learn, people to meet, service to perform. The JO one was someone whose path was angling out of the Navy toward hometown and corporate life, while I had the bit between my teeth by then for a Navy career. They helped me understand what I was looking for over the long haul, because I was getting to know who I was. The person I was in my late 20’s was different than the one in college and after graduation. DH and I did 26 years apiece in the Navy, were each other’s biggest cheerleaders and sounding boards, and took many tours apart because that was the right step for the other person. Everyone’s path is different.
Day by day.
Communications.
Honesty.
Kindness.
Give and take. Compromise.
Trust.
Being a very good active listener.
Be present in the here and now. Don’t let your brain run off into what-if land far in the future. You have no idea how your life path will bend.
Recognition that mis-aligned assumptions and expectations are often at the root of misunderstandings and comm failures.
No magical thinking.
You will ALWAYS have the special moments you have shared. Having more of those in future will take clear eyes and hard work going forward.
I will hit 39 years with DH this year. I had two serious “grown-up” relationships before him, one college, one as a new JO. Both special and memorable in their own ways. The college one did not understand me going into the Navy. At all. I had places to go, things to learn, people to meet, service to perform. The JO one was someone whose path was angling out of the Navy toward hometown and corporate life, while I had the bit between my teeth by then for a Navy career. They helped me understand what I was looking for over the long haul, because I was getting to know who I was. The person I was in my late 20’s was different than the one in college and after graduation. DH and I did 26 years apiece in the Navy, were each other’s biggest cheerleaders and sounding boards, and took many tours apart because that was the right step for the other person. Everyone’s path is different.
I’m still slightly worried about long distance, and my relationship with gf, but not nearly as much as I was. I understand that I need to be realistic, and communicate clearly with my gf on what to expect. What happens, happens. I just need to take it day by day, and hope for the best.
Either:
1) You are meant to be, and you will go to college at your respective places...and make an effort to communicate with each other without trying to control each other. Let her know the times/months that you will be completely out of pocket electronically. Let her know that you not getting back to her doesn't mean you hate her.
2) Or, you aren't, and what will happen is the Turkey Drop.
You swear YOU TWO ARE DIFFERENT! You can make it work!
At first you facetime every day!
But then you realize that is annoying to your roommate/you have no privacy so you try to find times to facetime when your roommate isn't there.
But you have classes and he has classes and you joined that club and he is on the intramural soccer team so maybe we can talk on Tuesdays.
He has that co-ed group of friends he goes out on weekends with and you have your group from the dorm.
Oh, here comes Fall break...but his is at a different weekend than yours so you can't get together...
There is that one person in the group that you/he kind of likes...but you have girl/boyfriend!
Why isn't he talking to you as often? or Why are you looking at excuses not to talk to him?
So you look forward to thanksgiving...but by then you are kind of really into that other guy/he is really into that other girl and you kind of get together over break and ooohhhhh noooo you have a fight about not talking as much anymore and you break up.
It's called the Turkey Drop.
1) You are meant to be, and you will go to college at your respective places...and make an effort to communicate with each other without trying to control each other. Let her know the times/months that you will be completely out of pocket electronically. Let her know that you not getting back to her doesn't mean you hate her.
2) Or, you aren't, and what will happen is the Turkey Drop.
You swear YOU TWO ARE DIFFERENT! You can make it work!
At first you facetime every day!
But then you realize that is annoying to your roommate/you have no privacy so you try to find times to facetime when your roommate isn't there.
But you have classes and he has classes and you joined that club and he is on the intramural soccer team so maybe we can talk on Tuesdays.
He has that co-ed group of friends he goes out on weekends with and you have your group from the dorm.
Oh, here comes Fall break...but his is at a different weekend than yours so you can't get together...
There is that one person in the group that you/he kind of likes...but you have girl/boyfriend!
Why isn't he talking to you as often? or Why are you looking at excuses not to talk to him?
So you look forward to thanksgiving...but by then you are kind of really into that other guy/he is really into that other girl and you kind of get together over break and ooohhhhh noooo you have a fight about not talking as much anymore and you break up.
It's called the Turkey Drop.
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2008
- Messages
- 20,583
There is an older book, 1992, “The Five Love Languages,” which I think is a practical guide to figuring out why miscommunications occur. In our years of sponsoring USNA midshipmen here at our home, I have watched relationships play out. Arguments and complaints that start out “He always...” and “She never...” tell me they are not communicating well and are foundering on assumptions and expectations. It might be an enlightening exercise to read it together.
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2017
- Messages
- 787
For us, I wouldn't have wanted to do anything different. Yes, we are no longer in a relationship. But anything otherwise would've been forcing it. They wanted to have their own career and not follow me around everywhere while just getting into the workforce. I don't have all that much say in where I'm going to go. That is something I have to respect: being a military spouse is a lot of compromise on the spouse. There was nothing wrong with our relationship and we still loved each other when we split. But unless something major happens to alter my trajectory in my life, at the very least my next seven+ years are tied to this organization. I would not force someone to buy into that who doesn't want to because that would just cause more unhappiness down the road. That's being practical.
At USMA, I will not lie and say it was an easy thing to get through. Lots of "stuff" tends to hit the fan at once here. But there is also so much going on that it is easy to distract yourself. There are also resources here to help you get through things like this, such as Military & Family Life Counselors (MFLACs) in every regiment's barracks, civilian contractors who are hired to help you anonymously. It wasn't great, but I'm still kicking.
USMAZoo98
Member
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2020
- Messages
- 559
It can be made to work, but it takes an immense amount of effort. I have two friends who are 2% club members. I had a serious girlfriend when I entered the Academy and that was over by the end of Camp Buckner. My only note of caution to you as you hope to make it work is - don't let saving your relationship become your most important priority. If it does, it can drive you right out of the Academy.