Raptor Factor
5-Year Member
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2013
- Messages
- 49
Would someone mind reading my Nomination essay? I'm not sure if I'm attacking the prompt correctly. Thanks.
Nomination Essay
- Thread starter Raptor Factor
- Start date
Crazy_marty16
5-Year Member
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2013
- Messages
- 8
I am applying to USAFA and my essays for my nominations are stressing me out. I would be more than happy to read yours
Pima
10-Year Member
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2007
- Messages
- 13,900
Just my 0.019724 cents, but instead of asking people here, you really should ask your English teacher or GC, or even your ALO/BGO/FFR.
They see essays over and over again. You do not know the background of any of these posters.
For example:
crazy_marty and phildog are obviously in the same boat as you. No offense, but it is sim. to the blind leading the blind. They also do not have the educational experience like your English teacher or your SA liaison.
~~~ I.E Your APLIT teacher may mark it up with passive sentences, and the poster may not.
Plus, not saying that those that offer to read your essay will re-work theirs because they see theirs now as inferior, but there is that chance.
crazy_marty and phil, I want you to know that I am not trying to offend you, just using you as an example since you both are in the same boat. Hence, the blind leading the blind comment.
Raptor,
Here is what I usually tell candidates that ask me to read their essays. Count how many I, me, myself you have in the essay.
~~~ Think of it like listening to someone present a project and hearing um.uh, hm over and over again during the presentation. You actually stop listening to what they are saying, and start counting in your mind how many um, uhs, hmm they say within the presentation.
Secondly, is your essay following the traditional rule of thumb?
Opening sentence to inform the reader what this essay is about. The defense of your opening sentence. The closing sentence to reiterate your opening.
The paragraphs should also mimic this. IOTW, you should have an opening paragraph. 2-3 defense paragraphs. Closing paragraph.
Finally, learn how to edit, re-edit and re-edit again before asking someone to read it. Than after they read it, fix it, edit, re-edit and re-edit it again.
~~~ Our DS had 4 people read his essay. It took him about 4-6 weeks of working on it. He had his ALO, his APENG, APLIT and us reviewing it.
~~~~~ His Dad and the ALO had more of an AF style....no flowery words, no passive sentences. Struck out things like when I was 6 I went to my 1st airshow. It was at that airshow I realized I wanted to be an AF officer....count the I's in those 2 sentences. They also told him, the I was 6 is done by everyone, dig a little deeper to grab their attention.
~~~~~ His Eng teachers also looked at the I's, but saw nothing wrong with the story.
He had to take both voices from opposite ends and merge them together.
Remember you have a limited time to grab their attention and make you stand out among thousands of essays. Think outside the box for questions.
I have said this before, but one essay DS wrote was in regard to a prompt, if you could ask anyone a question from a military perspective, who would it be, and why?
~~~~ The ALO that had been doing this for 15 yrs., and in his yr group had a dozen candidates. Handed it back to DS, and said I can't edit it, because you made me question everything you wrote.
It was actually a compliment. DS did not write about Washington, Lincoln, FDR, iotw, the traditional people. He wrote about Truman and how knowing the devastation the 1st A bomb did, how he personally came to terms with dropping a 2nd bomb. He tied it to how as an AF candidate wanting to fly he knew there may come a day he would have to answer that question for himself.
They see essays over and over again. You do not know the background of any of these posters.
For example:
crazy_marty and phildog are obviously in the same boat as you. No offense, but it is sim. to the blind leading the blind. They also do not have the educational experience like your English teacher or your SA liaison.
~~~ I.E Your APLIT teacher may mark it up with passive sentences, and the poster may not.
Plus, not saying that those that offer to read your essay will re-work theirs because they see theirs now as inferior, but there is that chance.
crazy_marty and phil, I want you to know that I am not trying to offend you, just using you as an example since you both are in the same boat. Hence, the blind leading the blind comment.
Raptor,
Here is what I usually tell candidates that ask me to read their essays. Count how many I, me, myself you have in the essay.
~~~ Think of it like listening to someone present a project and hearing um.uh, hm over and over again during the presentation. You actually stop listening to what they are saying, and start counting in your mind how many um, uhs, hmm they say within the presentation.
Secondly, is your essay following the traditional rule of thumb?
Opening sentence to inform the reader what this essay is about. The defense of your opening sentence. The closing sentence to reiterate your opening.
The paragraphs should also mimic this. IOTW, you should have an opening paragraph. 2-3 defense paragraphs. Closing paragraph.
Finally, learn how to edit, re-edit and re-edit again before asking someone to read it. Than after they read it, fix it, edit, re-edit and re-edit it again.
~~~ Our DS had 4 people read his essay. It took him about 4-6 weeks of working on it. He had his ALO, his APENG, APLIT and us reviewing it.
~~~~~ His Dad and the ALO had more of an AF style....no flowery words, no passive sentences. Struck out things like when I was 6 I went to my 1st airshow. It was at that airshow I realized I wanted to be an AF officer....count the I's in those 2 sentences. They also told him, the I was 6 is done by everyone, dig a little deeper to grab their attention.
~~~~~ His Eng teachers also looked at the I's, but saw nothing wrong with the story.
He had to take both voices from opposite ends and merge them together.
Remember you have a limited time to grab their attention and make you stand out among thousands of essays. Think outside the box for questions.
I have said this before, but one essay DS wrote was in regard to a prompt, if you could ask anyone a question from a military perspective, who would it be, and why?
~~~~ The ALO that had been doing this for 15 yrs., and in his yr group had a dozen candidates. Handed it back to DS, and said I can't edit it, because you made me question everything you wrote.
It was actually a compliment. DS did not write about Washington, Lincoln, FDR, iotw, the traditional people. He wrote about Truman and how knowing the devastation the 1st A bomb did, how he personally came to terms with dropping a 2nd bomb. He tied it to how as an AF candidate wanting to fly he knew there may come a day he would have to answer that question for himself.
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