- Joined
- Sep 27, 2008
- Messages
- 20,608
Bringing this up as a general topic for awareness and a transition conversation for family discussions as sons and daughters settle into independent USNA life and prepare to launch in a few years on their career, and parents do their own adjusting to family patterns.
Over the years we have sponsored mids and enjoyed long conversations and in the many DMs I have received from plebes/mids during my time here, something comes up with regularity, with variations on the below - this is all paraphrased in a combo of multiple midshipman confidences over the years.
“I love my parents and enjoy seeing them, but they come way too often and schedule the visits without consulting me. They book travel and hotels for long weekends, holidays, etc., months in advance, even years. I feel really pressured when they come, because I have a lot to do, and it creates stress when I am trying to juggle them too. I wish they would ask me. They say they intend to do this to “support” me all 4 years. I feel like I can’t talk to them about this; I don’t want to upset them, sometimes I just fake it. I feel like I can’t ever accept an invitation to go with my friends here on a long weekend or go home with them at Thanksgiving or go on a group spring break trip or even do a weekend ECA outing or MO. They want to it all to be exactly the same as it was in high school. I don’t know how to start this conversation, because they just assume, don’t tell me until a visit is booked and money paid. It’s like they haven’t adjusted to me being gone, and it’s going to change more when I graduate. I am trying not to be selfish and the self-absorbed stereotype for my age, because I love my parents and like to spend time with them. But I want more balance and give and take in the discussion, where I can say “That weekend isn’t good for me. I have plans with X to do Y at Z.” This time with friends is what makes the USNA suck bearable, and that is valuable to me too, just like family time is. I’m changing, and my parents can’t or won’t see it. I know this is hard for them.”
This is not written to start a testy discussion on parenting styles, but to elicit a discussion that might be helpful to others, especially any mids.
How would you like your son or daughter to bring this up to you, if they had these feelings, to have a respectful and loving discussion?
Anyone here had this discussion, in any form, about your mid and your visits? Any advice?
Anyone have that “aha” moment coming out of a gut feel and ask their kiddo, “hey, be honest with us, how often would you like to see us? Do you feel you can tell us you really want to do something else on a long weekend or holiday break?”
Any mids or grads have to initiate this discussion? Advice? What worked? What did not?
DH and I were talking over the weekend about how many confidences and we’re-not-your-parents-you-won’t-shock-us conversations we have had in our kitchen, in the laundry room at the dinner table lingering over ice cream, with the sponsor family. We have seen and heard all kinds of things, and dozens of our sponsor family have kids of their, some only a year away from applying for NASS.
Over the years we have sponsored mids and enjoyed long conversations and in the many DMs I have received from plebes/mids during my time here, something comes up with regularity, with variations on the below - this is all paraphrased in a combo of multiple midshipman confidences over the years.
“I love my parents and enjoy seeing them, but they come way too often and schedule the visits without consulting me. They book travel and hotels for long weekends, holidays, etc., months in advance, even years. I feel really pressured when they come, because I have a lot to do, and it creates stress when I am trying to juggle them too. I wish they would ask me. They say they intend to do this to “support” me all 4 years. I feel like I can’t talk to them about this; I don’t want to upset them, sometimes I just fake it. I feel like I can’t ever accept an invitation to go with my friends here on a long weekend or go home with them at Thanksgiving or go on a group spring break trip or even do a weekend ECA outing or MO. They want to it all to be exactly the same as it was in high school. I don’t know how to start this conversation, because they just assume, don’t tell me until a visit is booked and money paid. It’s like they haven’t adjusted to me being gone, and it’s going to change more when I graduate. I am trying not to be selfish and the self-absorbed stereotype for my age, because I love my parents and like to spend time with them. But I want more balance and give and take in the discussion, where I can say “That weekend isn’t good for me. I have plans with X to do Y at Z.” This time with friends is what makes the USNA suck bearable, and that is valuable to me too, just like family time is. I’m changing, and my parents can’t or won’t see it. I know this is hard for them.”
This is not written to start a testy discussion on parenting styles, but to elicit a discussion that might be helpful to others, especially any mids.
How would you like your son or daughter to bring this up to you, if they had these feelings, to have a respectful and loving discussion?
Anyone here had this discussion, in any form, about your mid and your visits? Any advice?
Anyone have that “aha” moment coming out of a gut feel and ask their kiddo, “hey, be honest with us, how often would you like to see us? Do you feel you can tell us you really want to do something else on a long weekend or holiday break?”
Any mids or grads have to initiate this discussion? Advice? What worked? What did not?
DH and I were talking over the weekend about how many confidences and we’re-not-your-parents-you-won’t-shock-us conversations we have had in our kitchen, in the laundry room at the dinner table lingering over ice cream, with the sponsor family. We have seen and heard all kinds of things, and dozens of our sponsor family have kids of their, some only a year away from applying for NASS.
Last edited:
