Plebe Struggling

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army5723

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Nov 14, 2022
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I saw the recent post from Plebe2be and how he/she got through PS and was doubting at first, got through it all and enjoyed it. On the other hand, I was excited at the start, and by the end of it I just wanted to be done with the place. We’re on parents weekend now and I just want to be done and go back home and to normal college with my ex high school girlfriend. Once I finally was able to talk with her yesterday, every memory came back after being hidden from the plebe summer rush. We agreed that we’d just be friends because I left for Navy but it’s hard on me because I still care about her so much. After I have been here for a while, the glamor of being here has worn off. However, I love a lot of people at the academy but how can I remind myself this is where I need to be regardless of a girl. I came for one reason but definitely what has gotten me through plebe summer was by talking with officers and enlisted during our evolutions about the impact I can directly make on people’s lives. The military is something I want to do because I genuinely want to be a good leader for people, but I am struggling to want to be at the academy honestly because a girl. It’s quite embarrassing and it seems like everyone who has/had a relationship goes through the pain of a breakup, but i’m just so lost on what to do. Any advice to help me would be great.
 
army5723 said:
I saw the recent post from Plebe2be and how he/she got through PS and was doubting at first, got through it all and enjoyed it. On the other hand, I was excited at the start, and by the end of it I just wanted to be done with the place. We’re on parents weekend now and I just want to be done and go back home and to normal college with my ex high school girlfriend. Once I finally was able to talk with her yesterday, every memory came back after being hidden from the plebe summer rush. We agreed that we’d just be friends because I left for Navy but it’s hard on me because I still care about her so much. After I have been here for a while, the glamor of being here has worn off. However, I love a lot of people at the academy but how can I remind myself this is where I need to be regardless of a girl. I came for one reason but definitely what has gotten me through plebe summer was by talking with officers and enlisted during our evolutions about the impact I can directly make on people’s lives. The military is something I want to do because I genuinely want to be a good leader for people, but I am struggling to want to be at the academy honestly because a girl. It’s quite embarrassing and it seems like everyone who has/had a relationship goes through the pain of a breakup, but i’m just so lost on what to do. Any advice to help me would be great.
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Good to express your feelings! Keep talking with your leaders, and perhaps a chaplain?
 
As a high school teacher and coach for almost 30 years, I can give you 100's of these stories, and they almost always turn out bad. NEVER give up anything for a girl (or boy) at this age. Stick with it. Battle through it. TRUST me, if you leave you will regret it for the rest of your life.
 
I have been thru this a few times now. A few close to me have left a SA or Prep over the years.. Every single one that left regretted it. Some regretted it within hours of leaving. One I know who left in the 1970s still talks about his quitting.

This is a time where you are being tested. How you respond though is totally on you. There is a certain toughness needed and a refusal to quit.
 
Though I certainly understand the pain and perception that you should change your whole course based on this relationship, I can tell you from experience at the Academy and in life that such a relationship can change in a minute. I don't know exactly where your heart or head is right now but what I can tell you is don't make that decision based on a single person or relationship. Look at the sum total of all of the reasons you came to Navy and your future goals and desires to lead as an officer.
 
Current youngster here, I think that every single midshipman, both past and present, has experienced feelings that are in some way similar to yours. They are normal and are nothing to be embarrassed by. Making the transition from high school senior to plebe is very challenging, and leaving home (whether that being the place, the people, or anything else about it) is very challenging. As time goes on that should subside, but I know from experience that it can really suck in the moment.

The good news is that I can assure you that no matter what your detailers are telling you, the AC year is not plebe summer. It gets better from here. You will get to know your classmates, you will get to know your upperclass (of course while being professional, but their personalities will still shine through), and classes and ECAs will start taking your mind off those you miss back home.

It sounds like you have a solid grasp on your “why” which is good. In my experience that’s what will really help get you through tough times like this. Your classmates, upperclass, MDC, CO, SEL, chaplains, and sponsors are also all fantastic resources to go to for external support. after hello night, I’d also be happy to connect off the forum and sit down with you to chat.

I hope that helps or at least gives you a little peace if mind.
 
Remember what Forrest Gump said: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”

That’s true a million times over for any romantic relationship in high school and college. You just don’t know what you’re going to get as both of you enter new phases and grow and evolve and mature. What seemed like the perfect relationship in high school usually isn’t come college. What seemed like the perfect relationship early in college isn’t later in college. What seemed like the perfect relationship in college isn’t after graduation.

It’s called the “Two Percent Club” for a reason: Staying with someone all the way through college, from start to finish, is exceedingly rare. Have any doubts about this? Test it on a simpler scenario: Find some folks who graduated recently from college and ask them how many of their five closest friends are from high school. I’m guessing the average will be about one.

So I’ll tell you what I’ve told — and will continue to tell — my kids. Never ever make a big decision at this point in your life because of a girl/boy. Nine times out of 10 — and maybe more — you’ll regret it. You, and they, are undergoing so much change at this point that you just don’t know what you’ll get.
 
You are more than likely NOT going to marry this young lady. Generally doesn't work that way.

Cut bait, focus on school, meet someone else who just might be even more awesome. If it is to be? She'll stick around and wait for you.
 
One of the keys to a healthy, long-lasting relationship is to stop focusing on yourself and thinking about what is best for the other person, out of a sincere care for them. If the other person also does that, then that is a very adult lens for managing situations like this. She should be focusing on her college or school goals and activities, spending time with friends, experiencing growth and self-development as she navigates young adulthood, looking forward to new experiences, challenges, environments as she explores the paths open to her. She should want the same for you.

After this tiny lull, you will become extraordinarily busy, more than you likely have ever managed before. Your experience, maturity, capability and understanding will surge in huge leaps. You will be exhausted mentally and physically. You will be down, but you will be buoyed by some of the closest friends you will ever make, and you will buoy them in return. Do you want to be a Navy or Marine officer? Think of all the essays and interviews, and what you said. This is a hard path, but if this is who you want to be, you go after it.

Give yourself some grace. Of course after the PPW breather, you are missing “normal” things and what you perceive as the greener grass of “normal college life.” You are going to get to do things, see places, meet people that those college students will not, amd may never.

Break this journey up into manageable segments. Promise yourself to wrap up PS strong and do your best for one academic semester, then the next, and put love life thoughts on the shelf and plan a personal reassessment session with yourself at at Thanksgiving. If some days your goal is to get though the next hour, that is okay. That is real life.

Glamor?! I don’t think that’s on the USNA.edu website, but I promise you, there will be many times in your military life when you are doing something amazing, you will say to yourself, “and they pay me to do this!?”

I’m not going to dish out the usual grain-of-truth sayings such as “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “Time helps,” etc. I will share one thing that has helped me through various stages of life. You will have friends of an age, friends of a stage, friends for the rest of your life. The same with love interests. You potentially will have 90+ years on the planet. There is time. Cherish the good things and memories from those you grow out of and look forward.

Finally, if she is The One, AND you are hers, you will figure it out. It could be farther down the road. Think about what I said earlier on focusing on what is best for her right now.
 
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Leaving the Academy isn't going to solve things with your (ex)girlfriend. What will likely happen, even assuming you "got back together," is that you would resent her/the relationship on some level for spurring you to leave the Academy, even if she's not asking/suggesting you do that. As was said above, if this relationship is "The One," however unlikely that probably is, she will hang in there for you while you are at Annapolis. If she's not ready to do that, which is also understandable, then there is absolutely no reason for you to leave Annapolis.
 
I’m gonna give you the same unfiltered advice I’d give if you were my close friend. Are you even positive she’ll take you back if you quit for her? And if yes, what if you quit so you can be closer to her, and a few months or years later, things don’t work out. How will you feel about the decision you made? And if you feel absolutely certain that this wouldn’t happen, then that’d mean the relationship is strong enough that it should be able to sustain long distance while you’re at the Academy, wouldn’t it? Keep in mind as a mid you’ll have about 6 weeks of leave per year and eventually some weekends. Whether it’s feasible to sustain a long distance relationship as a mid is your personal decision and people differ on this, but I knew plenty of mids who did it (Including a 2-percenter who married his HS sweetheart after graduation).

In my view, at your young age your greater life purpose must be your priority over any one romantic relationship. And oh yeah, you’re young. I’m only a few years older than you, and I’ve had several “ones” that I was at a time certain I’d still be with at this point. Life is unpredictable that way. If you stay at USNA, you can at least count on sticking to that path. Ask yourself—Is the Naval Academy and military your true calling? If yes, I’d stay where you are, give long distance a shot, cry it out if you need to, spend some time in the MacD weightroom (aside: Have they finished those renovations?), and follow what you know to be your true purpose. If not, well then hey, maybe you are better of leaving. Only you know.

Another thing to consider: If you stick with the Navy, the being away from loved ones thing doesn’t go away. In fact it’ll get harder. You could go months on end only using email or having no comms at all. You’ll miss out on holidays, birthdays, funerals, and family milestones. Nature of the beast—it’s part of the job we signed up for. Give that a thought as well if you think you’ll struggle with it. Good luck shipmate 🤝
 
I would commit to staying plebe year and then re-evaluate. I know you care about your girlfriend but I think you will regret leaving. Give this year a try and then go from there - you are going to meet so many more amazing people at the academy not just those in your company. hang in there and dive into the AC year. remember your why on attending USNA - write it down and put somewhere you can see it daily. You can do it!!!
 
army5723 said:
I saw the recent post from Plebe2be and how he/she got through PS and was doubting at first, got through it all and enjoyed it. On the other hand, I was excited at the start, and by the end of it I just wanted to be done with the place. We’re on parents weekend now and I just want to be done and go back home and to normal college with my ex high school girlfriend. Once I finally was able to talk with her yesterday, every memory came back after being hidden from the plebe summer rush. We agreed that we’d just be friends because I left for Navy but it’s hard on me because I still care about her so much. After I have been here for a while, the glamor of being here has worn off. However, I love a lot of people at the academy but how can I remind myself this is where I need to be regardless of a girl. I came for one reason but definitely what has gotten me through plebe summer was by talking with officers and enlisted during our evolutions about the impact I can directly make on people’s lives. The military is something I want to do because I genuinely want to be a good leader for people, but I am struggling to want to be at the academy honestly because a girl. It’s quite embarrassing and it seems like everyone who has/had a relationship goes through the pain of a breakup, but i’m just so lost on what to do. Any advice to help me would be great.
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DS is at the USAFA as a Doolie and his good friend is where you are as a Plebe. You can do it!! "All earned nothing given" now go earn it!
Ok now that is said.

Why not try a long distance courtship and see how that goes? DS is still dating his girl and they agreed to give it a try, do not throw in the towel just yet. You never know unless you try, have no regrets.

Have fun with your parents and school starts soon.
Congratulations!!!
 
Speaking with my Mom hat on (4 of my own, 6 hosted in our home for their high school years, and all their countless friends…so lots): DONT quit. Commit to a year. Then reevaluate if needed. You haven’t given your new adult self a chance, yet. You feel like an adult, but you a a newly emerged one. Your wings are still wet, like a new butterfly. Yes you have them, but they don’t support you yet.

The person YOU and your GF are, is not the person either of you will be at then end of your first year of college. At all. You will BOTH grow into your new adult self more this year than any. You may grow together. You may grow apart. It’s an unknown. But you may regret leaving if you don’t spend this first year a chance. You won’t regret staying. Is it hard? Yes. But choose the hard. It’s so much more worth the easy, and will develop you (even if you don’t stay) in ways you cannot know.

PPW is wonderful. It’s also super hard. You have to choose to go back to that suck. But you have t yet formed the friends and bonds that will be like none other, that will be your lifelong rights bonds. Give it a chance. If you and your gf are meant to be? You will and this year of growth will help you both discern that.

BTW, one of my guys is a 2pct-er, just celebrated his first year anniversary of marriage. My other Mid was dumped during plebe summer. And he was certain they would marry. Dated all of high school. He is here on his last leave block with an amazing Mid GF he met at USNA. V’cool.

Don’t quit. Give your and her a chance to grow and mature and then reassess.
 
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