Proofreading Essays

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UnitedStatesAircraft5

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Is it appropriate to ask my admissions counselor to read my essay? I could ask my English teacher but I’d like someone with more knowledge of USNA to read it. Perhaps I should wait for my Blue & Gold Officer to be assigned?
 
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Your HS Junior year English teacher is probably your best Critic. Your Junior year teacher has probably known you for a year or more. Send him/her the Essay question with your Essay response.

Talk to your HS Junior (or possibly senior) English teacher about this first. They are trained in all writing styles for the most part. Work with him or her. Most of them see this as an Honor, given that it is a SA and Military service that you desire.
 
Dr. Strange Love said:
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Your HS Junior year English teacher is probably your best Critic. Your Junior year teacher has probably known you for a year or more. Send him/her the Essay question with your Essay response.

Talk to your HS Junior (or possibly senior) English teacher about this first. They are trained in all writing styles for the most part. Work with him or her. Most of them see this as an Honor, given that it is a SA and Military service that you desire.
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Thank you for your constructive advice. I’ll definitely do that.
 
I agree with the advice not to ask your admissions counselor, but asking someone that has been there is a good instinct. My son sent his to his grandfather, not really grammatical advice but so that he could point out any errors in assumptions about what it would be like at the Academy.
Do you know any graduates? Family, teachers, etc? Your BGO will probably not be the right person to actually read it, but you can ask enough questions and listen well during your interview and that will help add texture to your understanding.
 
I don't know how other BGO's would feel, but I would politely decline.. Admissions wants to see what you are thinking, not what a BGO thinks you should be thinking. While I am usually in contact with my Candidates early in the process, I usually do my interviews later in the process, after the statement is submitted. I don't ask to see the statements, but they have on occasion been offered,
 
All good points. Thanks for the advice. Obviously I haven’t done this before so I’m glad I asked for advice here first.

BrightSide said:
I agree with the advice not to ask your admissions counselor, but asking someone that has been there is a good instinct. My son sent his to his grandfather, not really grammatical advice but so that he could point out any errors in assumptions about what it would be like at the Academy.
Do you know any graduates? Family, teachers, etc? Your BGO will probably not be the right person to actually read it, but you can ask enough questions and listen well during your interview and that will help add texture to your understanding.
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One of my regular substitute teachers is a USNA graduate. He’s long since retired from the Navy but he was a submariner for quite a while. (Side note: he’s absolutely hilarious and always starts telling sea stories during class-trying to relate the lesson to his Naval experiences. Most of the kids in my class have no idea what he’s talking about and try to tune him out, but I really look up to him, so I could probably ask him to read it) I also know a TON of USMMA graduates and a few Naval officers because of the Merchant ship I volunteer on.
 
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One question you should ask yourself:

If your friends or family read your essay, would they immediately know you wrote it? Or could it have been written by anyone?

e.g., "Ever since I was little, I loved boats. When I learned about the Navy, I decided that is what I wanted to do."

vs.

"'Haul up that anchor!', my Grandfather shouted. I didn't care how slimy that rope was, I was happy to be involved. It's hard to go sailing in the midwest, but if there was some wind, we would be out."
 
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bopper said:
One question you should ask yourself:

If your friends or family read you essay, would they immediately know you wrote it? Or could it have been written by anyone?

e.g., "Ever since I was little, I loved boats. When I learned about the Navy, I decided that is what I wanted to do."

vs.

"'Haul up that anchor!', my Grandfather shouted. I didn't care how slimy that rope was, I was happy to be involved. It's hard to go sailing in the midwest, but if there was some wind, we would be out."
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For answering the second prompt about the personal experience, definitely. The first one could have happened to someone else but I wrote it from my POV.
 
Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it. This is oriented to college applications but is also relevant here.

Write the Essay No One Else Could Write

"It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write.
Is this a trick? The rest of this guide gives you the best strategies to accomplish this single
most important thing: write the essay no one else could write.
If someone reading your essay gets the feeling some other applicant could have written it,
then you’re in trouble.
Why is this so important? Because most essays sound like they could have been written by
anyone. Remember that most essays fail to do what they should: replace numbers (SAT/GPA) with the real you.
Put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer. She’s got limited time and a stack of
applications. Each application is mostly numbers and other stuff that looks the same. Then she picks
up your essay. Sixty seconds later, what is her impression of you? Will she know something specifically
about you? Or will you still be indistinguishable from the hundreds of other applicants she has been
reading about?"
 
I would also add this thought. Last year nearly 16,000 applicants submitted essays to USNA. That's a crap ton of essays for admissions to read and take note of.

When our son applied, we discussed the need to follow the prompt, but write an essay that was memorable. Write the essay he, and he alone could author, and answer each point, question etc., in the prompt. He ended up writing about his experience at Boys State and the speech he drafted at 4 am for candidate for Governor. It had a double entendre in it that made people laugh. He knew his audience which is very important, both in writing and in interviews. He was nervous when he submitted it to admissions, but he knew it was authentic, true, and only he could have written it.

I have no idea if his admissions counselor gave a hearty chuckle or not when she read it, but he is a member of the class of 2024 so it didn't harm his chances.
 
Old Navy BGO said:
I don't know how other BGO's would feel, but I would politely decline.. Admissions wants to see what you are thinking, not what a BGO thinks you should be thinking. While I am usually in contact with my Candidates early in the process, I usually do my interviews later in the process, after the statement is submitted. I don't ask to see the statements, but they have on occasion been offered,
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This is my 29th year as a BGO and in all that time, I have NEVER had a candidate ask me to review their essay.
That's probably a good thing since I would decline. It's supposed to be FROM YOU (the candidate), not Mom/Dad/English Teacher/Counselor and in MY humble opinion, a candidate should be fully capable of writing and proofing their own work on this. To me, this is another test just like the SAT and Mom/Dad/Math Teacher/English Teacher/etc should not be helping you with those either.


(grumbles to self in Grandpa Simpson voice: next thing you know, they'll be bringing their personal trainers, run coaches and moms to Morning PEP for assistance with the too-rigorous workout. Then they'll bring their personal "memory person" with them to Chow Call in case they forget the meal)
 
In addition to your English teacher, your college counselor at school should also be a source for you to go to for input. Best of luck to you!
 
UnitedStatesAircraft5 said:
I understand now: don’t ask admissions counselors or BGOs to proofread essays. Again thank you all for your input. I’m glad I asked here first.
Message Received
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“When I was a child my family would travel
Down to Western Kentucky where my parents were born
And there's a backwards old town that's often remembered
So many times that my memories are worn”

— John Prine
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UnitedStatesAircraft5 said:
I understand now: don’t ask admissions counselors or BGOs to proofread essays. Again thank you all for your input. I’m glad I asked here first.
Message Received
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It would be similar to taking an exam to the teacher and asking them to check it over before you turn it in, asking a potential employer to review your application before submitting it, and similar.

Trust yourself. I always recommend an English teacher, and reading it aloud to a similar-age sibling, good friend or someone who knows you well. If they start laughing or rolling their eyes, your tone is off and possibly your hyperbole meter has spiked.

Culturally, this could be more of a Navy thing. You might encounter an alternate feeling with another SA or Service.
 
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Heatherg21 said:
He ended up writing about his experience at Boys State and the speech he drafted at 4 am for candidate for Governor. It had a double entendre in it that made people laugh. He knew his audience which is very important, both in writing and in interviews. He was nervous when he submitted it to admissions, but he knew it was authentic, true, and only he could have written it.
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I've been fairly involved in boys state for the past few years now and you would be very surprised by how many speeches seem to solely revolve around "double entendres".

I can't say for sure, but I think boys state is more likely to elect people named Richard or Johnson in a statistically significant way. It's quite something to see identity politics play out when the identity is just how creatively someone can associate their name with a certain body part (not saying this is what your son did, just that it is an incredibly common occurrence at boys state).

I would like to think it's age related, but then I seem to recall LBJ had some interesting interactions with reporters that would fit right in.
 
nrotcmid23 said:
I've been fairly involved in boys state for the past few years now and you would be very surprised by how many speeches seem to solely revolve around "double entendres".

I can't say for sure, but I think boys state is more likely to elect people named Richard or Johnson in a statistically significant way. It's quite something to see identity politics play out when the identity is just how creatively someone can associate their name with a certain body part (not saying this is what your son did, just that it is an incredibly common occurrence at boys state).

I would like to think it's age related, but then I seem to recall LBJ had some interesting interactions with reporters that would fit right in.
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Well, you sort of guessed it. I think he was very tired and brain fried, but he wrote about being not the tallest guy, at not the biggest school, in not the largest town, and yet, here he was on the big stage giving a speech to be elected governor of a not so small state. He did know his audience, so when he said, "no matter where you come from, or how big or small your town or school are; or how tall you are... you can make a difference, you can bring change to your organization or community. SIZE DOESN'T MATTER". He said the roar was thunderous. He brought it into the speech one more time and when he finished, he said all of them were on their feet chanting it. He was stunned. He did, however have approval for it, he checked with counselors before he gave it.

He won.

I do smile when I picture admissions reading the essay. It was well written, and was about his experience at Boys State and what he learned about himself while there. He did have the quote from his speech integrated into the essay, he thought it was a risk but it was done in a tasteful manner.
 
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