Relationship Advice

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ProudDad2022

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Ok guys. Try this one on for size. My DS has been accepted to the USNA Foundation and will be leaving for school in August, and then (fingers crossed) join the class of 2023 in the following June.

Last night, he approaches me and says "Hey dad. Susie and I have been friends for a while and I'm starting to develop feelings for her. Should I tell her? I'm asking because I know that I will be going away soon and I want to be fair to her."

I know the advice I gave him, I'm just curious as to what some of you would say or if any of you have gone through this.

Before anyone asks, I changed the names and got permission from DS to post this.
 
Did they have a plan to go to the same school and now he's not? I don't think he should just disappear one day so yes he should tell her. There are other threads that ask similar questions and it seems many of the HS romances end shortly after college starts and most are over by Thanksgiving when it can be done in person. DD's lasted one week past PPW.
 
There are many old threads along these lines. The topic comes up every year. If it were me I would tell her. That doesn't mean they can't have a lot of fun together before he reports. That doesn't mean they can't remain friends. Finally it doesn't mean their relationship has to end. Some high school sweethearts get married after one attends the academy. However, a vast majority of people in a relationship break up at some point, and most probably do so freshman year. And this has nothing to do with the academy. It happens when attending different colleges as well. The time and distance between them is often insurmountable for at least one of them.

DS did not attend an academy but he dated the same girl in college (from the same home town and high school, although they had never met until college) for 3 years. Four months after he went on active duty she broke up with him. Just a typical relationship, and a relationship ending with a significant milestone in life, where people tend to go in different directions.

On the other hand, while on active duty, DS met a terrific young woman who he started dating. They have a lot in common. He went off to Okinawa and has been there for 18 months. He's got at least 6 months to go. They stay in touch and meet somewhere in the Asian Pacific rim for vacations. This summer they plan on meeting up in Indonesia for their third vacation together. When he returns he hopes to get based in CA so he can be near her, and she's hoping the same thing. Of course Mom and Dad live (literally) in the other coast, but that's another story. And have I mentioned we're "rooting for her!" Point is - continuing a relationship over time and distance depends upon, and is up to, the people involved. But then I'm stating the obvious, right?

And, BTW, why wouldn't he tell her?
 
Crud. I should have done my due diligence before starting a new thread.
Helms - As for school, she is staying local and he will be off on a new adventure. I did tell him that he should remain friends.
kinnem - These feelings just developed (He's a 17 year old boy....go figure) and he thinks it would be unfair to tell her knowing that he will be leaving soon.

I'll have to go back and check out the other threads.
 
I am sort of confused. Tell her what, that he is going away for school? I would assume he would tell her that no matter where he went assuming it was more than 3o miles from his house. Of course he should tell her and right away. Should make for a very interesting summer
 
I get it now. He hasn't told her he has feelings for her. I thought you were talking about telling her he was going away. Maybe Dear Abby or Dr Phil would be better to answer this one than the old salts around here. No I'm not an old salt. Just old.
 
He's got nothing to lose by telling her about his feelings. Better that than wondering forever (or some length of time). If she has a problem with it then that's her problem. I don't mean that to be unfeeling but it's the truth. People need to deal with stuff in life. And who knows, maybe she shares those feelings? And maybe she doesn't. He'll never know if he doesn't raise the subject. Just one man's opinion. It's worth what you paid for it.
 
Humey said:
I am sort of confused. Tell her what, that he is going away for school? I would assume he would tell her that no matter where he went assuming it was more than 3o miles from his house. Of course he should tell her and right away. Should make for a very interesting summer
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Tell her that he has feeling for her.
 
Defintely tell her how he feels about her. If she doesnt return the feeling but is smart, she wont shoot him down but know that he is going away anyway. If she does return the feelings, it is going to be an intense summer
 
I’m a mom. Of 3 boys and a dd. My experience is that a lot of changing happens in college....maybe they are meant to be, maybe they aren’t. But if it were my son, I would probably advise him to wait and see how strong those feelings were after a few months into school. Depending on how strong those feelings were, then approach the relationship again. Especially if this is his first romance. Love can be blinding, especially the first one. I believe I would want and advise to make sure it’s something he wants to peruse after being apart for a bit.

DH and I spent distance apart after seriously dating in high school. It’s a good time to be free and grow into who you will be as an adult. DH and I always knew we would end up together if we were meant to. And we did. 3 decades later. 17 is so young to be committed to one person. IMO. Not against it , but based upon my own experience with post HS distance, and later with two young adults who went through college, my advice to DS would probably be to not share unless he felt very strongly. And that advice is coming from my understanding that they are newish feelings for him.

Ultimately I would tell him to do what feels right to him. Period. My own DS is going in with a serious 2-year relationship. We adore her. She could be our DIL someday. I also know this may be the end....we will bring her to PPW if he wants us to (*see other threads on subject). We are supporting him however he needs.

What a relationship bomb to drop 58 days from I-day! Good luck to him!!
 
I recommend telling her now. If she also has feelings for him you never know how far that may lead to. Long distance relationship is hard but it’s possible if both parties are willing. I don’t want him to regret forever for not telling her before leaving.
 
The only concern that I would have is that if he does tell her and the feelings are mutual, the emotions could distract him from the task at hand....to prepare himself for USNA. My DS is going to USMAPS and has purposely not gotten emotionally involved with a girl for this reason. He does not want to be distracted. He had his heart broken once and knows that he does not want to be in that situation again while he is going through the academy. He believes in waiting for the right time, where he can focus on a relationship and his career at the same time without sacrificing one for the other. However......we are a very practical family and I've raised my kids to think in this way. My DS is 16 and refuses to date anyone because she will be going to college in two years and will have to move away. Younger DS is too focused on sports and playing at the college level to concern himself with a girlfriend (his words).

Yikes, I just realized I may never have grandchildren:-(

Anyway, people do get through the academy and remain with their high school girlfriend/boyfriend and end up very happy on the other side. He has to answer to the feeling that is pulling him the hardest in one direction.
 
He should tell her. She might like the idea of a boyfriend/future husband with a job, decent pay, and a chance to meet him in Barcelona or Venice on his first Med cruise. My son hasn't been on a B billet (shore duty) since he's been in. He's been with 2nd MLG, CENTCOM Forward, and now 1st Marine Division. His girlfriend is hanging in there though and flies to meet him when their schedules permit. If it's meant to be, it'll stick, if not, ... that's all I have.
 
A little off the OP's question but not by much...

There is an old saying in the Marines that "If the Marine Corps wanted you married, they would have issued you a wife."

It wasn't too long ago that there was a 2-year ban on marriage for recruits and junior Marines needed permission to get married. As recently as 1995, the Marine Corps tried to establish a ban on married recruits but quickly retracted the order under pressure from the White House. Times and society have changed but the need to be instantly deployable is still there and these separations can be really hard on young families in a variety of ways (financial, fidelity, substance abuse, etc). Nearly half of all Marines are married today. There are real concerns that it affects the readiness of the Corps.
http://articles.latimes.com/1993-08-13/news/mn-23389_1_marine-corps
 
I never thought I would get involved in relationship advice on this forum.... but my thoughts, DS should tell her how you feel, but be realistic in expectations. There are many , perhaps most, who ship of to USNA with a high school sweetheart, and somewhere along the line one or the other grow apart, and they get the (almost) inevitable Dear John. To be honest , I would expect this to be the case for most high school romances, regardless of whether attending a Service Academy. On the other hand, there are relationships that make it ....I met my wife in Newport while at NAPS, we made it through 4 years at USNA , and I often give her credit for helping me get through. We've been married almost 33 years....
 
ProudDad2022 said:
Ok guys. Try this one on for size. My DS has been accepted to the USNA Foundation and will be leaving for school in August, and then (fingers crossed) join the class of 2023 in the following June.

Last night, he approaches me and says "Hey dad. Susie and I have been friends for a while and I'm starting to develop feelings for her. Should I tell her? I'm asking because I know that I will be going away soon and I want to be fair to her."

I know the advice I gave him, I'm just curious as to what some of you would say or if any of you have gone through this.

Before anyone asks, I changed the names and got permission from DS to post this.
Click to expand...
What school is he considering for prep? I’m headed to NMMI as a Sponsored Prep.
 
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