The Law Enforcement Officer (LEO) thread - Post the funny stuff, please!

WHen asked for advice on police/community interactions, I recommend this video by Chris Rock:
 
I once got stopped by the police for speeding. I was following a friend to go on a fishing charter and had to stop for gas. In an attempt to catch up with him I was stopped for speeding. The officer walked to the drivers side window to discuss my infraction. Unfortunately I was driving a right hand drive car so when my son wound down the window and the officer looked in there was a look of momentary confusion as he spotted there was no steering wheel. The officer actually admitted that he stopped a lot of people on that stretch of road for speeding as the speed limit reduces dramatically. The interaction completed without him issuing a ticket and wishing me good luck with the fishing trip.

The Chris Rock video repeats some of my rules for when stopped by the police. Sit still with your hands on the wheel and visible. Wind down the window completely to talk to the officer and be polite!
 
sanman said:
I once got stopped by the police for speeding. I was following a friend to go on a fishing charter and had to stop for gas. In an attempt to catch up with him I was stopped for speeding. The officer walked to the drivers side window to discuss my infraction. Unfortunately I was driving a right hand drive car so when my son wound down the window and the officer looked in there was a look of momentary confusion as he spotted there was no steering wheel. The officer actually admitted that he stopped a lot of people on that stretch of road for speeding as the speed limit reduces dramatically. The interaction completed without him issuing a ticket and wishing me good luck with the fishing trip.

The Chris Rock video repeats some of my rules for when stopped by the police. Sit still with your hands on the wheel and visible. Wind down the window completely to talk to the officer and be polite!
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I’ll add to this - when it’s time to hand over driver’s license, hand over military ID too. That goes a long way to clarify the common situation of a car with license plates from last duty station and a driver’s license from another state, all while living in the current state where stopped. Military people can keep mis-matched plates, registration, license, because they are military transient non-residents. It’s one of the things you figure out, along with how to best manage PCS and other aspects of military life.
 
There I was (inverted - not really) on the highway. I observed everyone around me playing "don't pass the state trooper", but I was confused. This was a 70mph strip of road. I was not deterred.... and wanted to demonstrate leadership - so I passed him. Not too fast, but the speed limit.

Sure enough - the lights went on and my heart rate elevated. What had I done? Did I miss something? I drive this route daily..... It turns out that there was a construction zone temporary speed limit sign that I missed in my quest to demonstrate leadership for others....

The state trooper approaches the vehicle and asks the typical stuff - license, registration, what squadron were you in... ? Wait? WHAT? What squadron? I rattle off active duty units and am clearly puzzled at this point. He then corrects me - "No, what squadrons at the Academy?"

Ok, now I am really confused, but I do have a personalized license plate with USAFA theme that identifies me as a grad and my class year, so he clearly read that as he entered it into his computer for the ticket.

I told him my cadet squadrons and his response was - "Cool, I am a classmate of yours and was in squadron 16. It's great to see you again. Slow down and have a great day."
 
shiner said:
There I was (inverted - not really) on the highway. I observed everyone around me playing "don't pass the state trooper", but I was confused. This was a 70mph strip of road. I was not deterred.... and wanted to demonstrate leadership - so I passed him. Not too fast, but the speed limit.

Sure enough - the lights went on and my heart rate elevated. What had I done? Did I miss something? I drive this route daily..... It turns out that there was a construction zone temporary speed limit sign that I missed in my quest to demonstrate leadership for others....

The state trooper approaches the vehicle and asks the typical stuff - license, registration, what squadron were you in... ? Wait? WHAT? What squadron? I rattle off active duty units and am clearly puzzled at this point. He then corrects me - "No, what squadrons at the Academy?"

Ok, now I am really confused, but I do have a personalized license plate with USAFA theme that identifies me as a grad and my class year, so he clearly read that as he entered it into his computer for the ticket.

I told him my cadet squadrons and his response was - "Cool, I am a classmate of yours and was in squadron 16. It's great to see you again. Slow down and have a great day."
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Very handy, those plates. 🤣
 
That Chris Rock video is a classic and through the humor has some very good points if you think about the larger picture. This is another sketch that tickles my funny bone.
 
That's not how it usually works out...
 
Back in the day, circa 1988 or so, I was a rookie police officer assigned to an ‘A’ house, PD slang for a busy ghetto precinct. Rookies in my command had to guard hospitalized prisoners on the 8x4 & 4x12 tours; the old-timers did it on the midnites so they could sleep. Anyway, almost all of the perps were street Robbery/GLA type crimes that-went-wrong or DWI or GLA crashes, you get the drift.

One day I’m assigned to guard a perp, a gunshot victim from Bensonhurst (Mob-hit gone-bad). He was a burglar, specifically fur vaults & banks; a skinny Italian kid in his mid-twenties. In fact, there was to be a detective from the Safe, Loft, & Truck Squad guarding him as well. Usually you’re guarding the perp, so he doesn’t escape; in this case it was to prevent a 2nd chance at the botched hit, hence the double guarding assignment. BTW: The vic was seated in a car when shot: 6 hits w/a .380 as follows; 3 to the head, 1st one in the head ended up under his eye, it was just cut out, the 2nd one went around the skull under the skin & out the back,..3rd one bounced off his forehead so no damage; but he also took 3 to the chest…& he lived! & was able to stand up 2 weeks later!
Anyway the Safe, Loft, & Truck Squad wanted this commercial premises burglar obviously & the detectives assigned there were top-notch, all were 1st Graders (detectives who make Captain’s pay!). I relieved the day tour cop & then the 4x12 detective came too. Well, we sat down together for the next 8 hours outside the single room where the perp was and he started to talk...This is one of his stories...keep in mind he came on the job the year I was born, 1958!

There was a homicide by gunshot in a pool room in Bed-Stuy. The investigation determined that the perp fled to Philadelphia. His family was given the detective’s phone # & told to have the perp call so we can “straighten this ‘thing’ out”. :rolleyes: Sure enough, he calls...from a payphone in Philly (call was traced & Philly PD was responding to the location to arrest). The dialogue went..."I had to pull the trigger… it was a bet"...The detective said he understood & the best thing to do was to surrender to the Philly Police &...The perp said, “Man, NO ONE surrenders to the Philadelphia Police!” The next thing heard was a scream & a car crash as a police cruiser ran over the phone booth! w/the perp still inside! Next was heard the following, “This is so&so of the Philadelphia Police Department; We have your man!” And they did, pinned inside the booth.

So the Brooklyn detectives drive down to Philly to pick him up. You never saw a happier perp when he saw the NYPD DT’s. Back in the Brooklyn precinct, the perp told the following: They were playing Russian Roulette where you point the gun at the loser of the bet & pull the trigger. 5 rounds had gone by…& only 1 chamber left. The perp had bet that he had a certain ‘appendage’ 13 pennies long & the victim said BS pull the trigger to which the perp did! At the trial his defence attorney argued that since the vic loaded the gun & under the circumstances, his client couldn’t imagine that the gun was really loaded so...He was found not guilty!....(& indeed it was 13 pennies long as measured by the detectives in the precinct!)...And that's the way it was...
 
One day back in the late eighties, a cop transferred into our command from an adjoining precinct. Since his former command was a lot nicer than ours, his transfer raised some eyebrows with us cops so an investigation commenced.
Seems he was observed by the "Shoofly" (a Captain charged with enforcing integrity issues on patrol) leaving a diner w/o paying for his cheeseburger meal; definitely a no-no. (Everyone knows that when the cashier says it's free, you take out a $20 bill & ask for change. People see you hand over $$ & get change so you're good to go. Tisk tisk, rookie.) The new guy was disciplined & his punishment was the transfer. Thereafter, his new precinct nickname became the "Hamburglar" ;) Kinda looked like him too!!
1627575900314.png
 
When I was in the Captain's management course, the class was told, "You moved your last barrier." Meaning that you are now expected to order cops to move them, not you. Well, one parade down 5th Ave., I'm a newly minted Captain standing in front of the Met when Ray Kelly, the PC, & his security team started to approach me. The entire area where he was headed was barricaded off, of course & when I turned around to see who I was going to order to move them to let the PC in...there wasn't a single cop in sight....(Cops, never around when you need them.) So I said to myself, "Well I guess there's one more barricade left that I have to move." And I did. (It wasn't the last tho, no biggie)
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What reminded me of this was that on the PC's security team was an African-American cop I used to work with. A real nice guy & a marathon runner. Anyway, one day on patrol, we're together on a job. It was on the sidewalk & all of a sudden, the perp bolts down the street. I know I'm not going to be able to catch him, but Mark takes off after him. I follow of course but start to laugh as Mark catches up to the perp, & while running/jogging alongside of him, starts talking to him!! I always used to say, "You can't outrun Motorola." ( The brand of walkie-talkie we used- just keep the perp in sight & call for help over the Motorola & the responding units will do the rest.) I'll have to add, & Mark too!
 
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One last barrier/barricade story. As a new captain, you do ride-alongs with a seasoned captain in order to see how it's done. At approx. 2200 hours, we responded to an injured police officer who was pinned by a car against a concrete barrier . When we get there, the officer was already removed to the hospital. The officer was in a van w/other cops, stopped in traffic, when she saw a hand-to-hand (street drug deal) which is pretty ballsy i/f/o a PD van. She jumped out and ended up wrestling with the perp (w/no help from the others in the van I might add, a fact that was lost in this story.) A Good Samaritan driving by thought she'll highlight this incident of police brutality by turning her car right at the struggle & putting on the car's high beams. A passing ambulance rear-ended the car sending it into the officers legs pinning them against the barrier. The perp, a gazelle w/9 lives hoped over the barrier & was in the wind.
We responded to the ER. At the door was a plainclothes cop w/an earpiece on & talking into his wrist; not something you'd normally see in the ghetto. He was on the Police Commissioner's advance team; a team who responds to these type of situations & determines if the PC will respond.
Sadly, every hospital in NYC has a procedure along with a designated conference room for these injured-officer types of situations. Usually they're cop-shot incidents. Well, around 0230 hours or so, Police Commissioner Kelly walks into the conference room to be briefed by my mentoring captain.
(As an aside, I once mentioned to a 2-star chief that I'll be de-briefing the PC when he said, "You don't debrief the PC; you brief the PC!" LOL😟)
Anyway, the PC entered the room. He was impeccably dressed wearing a suit as if he stepped out of a Brooks Brothers window. I'll never forget his cufflinks that he wore which were the symbol of the Police Commissioners Office, City of New York, in gold. The briefing commenced & the PC had a quizzical look as my mentor repeatedly said, "The French Barrier this & the French Barrier that..." The PC said nothing then left to visit the cop. As soon as he did, I asked, "XX, What the F' is a French Barrier?"
I never heard that term before (or since). My mentor said, "French barrier, I meant Jersey barrier." Below explains the PC's look.
1627581205512.pngFrench Barrier
1627581276183.pngJersey Barrier
o5LmfnS6nsGxU8dVWA_qF0HkEASSyvX3HReY9IlBJf0KT7M9otnauevrb7yudebxGwgL5do8U8T0aHQy3HMGKTLmRnEIecz4JP6rIzTqWwgtt5x0N165S9AIfjab-5TBI1kehZcq
Cufflinks
 
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Listed under "You Can't Make This Stuff Up!"

In the Police Academy, every squadron (called a Company) has 1 cadet in charge of it (Company Sergeant, if I recall), usually someone who's prior military. A future Police Commissioner was the one in charge of his Company designated xx-01,02, etc. with xx for the year. (For ex., when I graduated with 2,000 others; my company # was xx-56.)
Traditions holds that all the members of the company chip in just prior to graduation & buy their Company Sergeant an engraved off-duty firearm; in his day, a 5-shot revolver. (Might've been the 6-shot Colt; this was way before my time.)
Well, as time go on, this future PC's house was burglarized & this revolver stolen. Fast forward XX years or so & the firearm is recovered by a precinct detective. The rightful owner of this weapon is at the time, the Police Commissioner. You know, the guy whose picture is on the wall in every stationhouse in the city. That guy.
Police procedure when invoicing a recovered stolen firearm is for identification purposes, to scratch your initials into the firearm's sideplate (except vary $$ or antique weapons). So what did our hero do?? Yep! Right over the words, "Presented to Company Sergeant XXX-XXXXX on behalf of Company xx-xx..." he carved his initials right in!! While you can't fix stupid, you can send the PC's off-duty back to it's manufacturer to be repaired. Which was done.
PS: I hope I never commit a crime, but if I do, I pray that detective has my case;)
 
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