USNA Personal Statement Draft

I would like to, now that I've gotten some good suggestions, however it appears that the admin has disabled my ability to edit/delete my post.
 
After a certain period of time you can't edit posts and as far as I know you can't delete them at all without an admin.
 
In the meantime, I'd still appreciate any input on my Personal Statement. Thanks!
 
1. I believe there is a character limit, so be concise and answer the question. If you can't answer the question(s) after you read it from the perspective of someone who has no clue about you, then you need to re-work it.
2. Check for spelling and grammar.
3. This isn't a time to be overly descriptive with adjectives. Does what you are writing contribute to your point? As an example:

Spring had just begun in 2004 when I landed with my family on the wet tarmac at Reagan International Airport.
Click to expand...

Does a wet tarmac or Reagan International Airport REALLY matter?

Hours later we were ushered into a black towncar and driven down a series of winding roads as I peered out at the white headstones that mark the fields of Arlington National Cemetery.
Click to expand...

Is a black towncar add anything? Winding roads? White headstones (at a cemetery)?

You are not writing this for a book. You are writing this for a USNA Admissions Board member, who has 1-2 minutes to brief your entire record, of which this might be a very small portion of their time...you need to get DIRECTLY to the point, otherwise you are going to lose your audience and waste their time.
 
That's odd that you can't edit your post to "keep it safe". Truthfully I would never put my essay online anywhere, but sometimes it can be nice to see what others think. I finished my application December 30th and (probably) like you it was the only thing I had left to do. So this isn't related to your essay but do you have an LOA or any nominations yet?
 
GilDmn said:
In the meantime, I'd still appreciate any input on my Personal Statement. Thanks!
Click to expand...

What state are you from? I too was in kindergarten on 9/11 and remember seeing the smoke engulfed city from a hill across from my house (I live in Northern NJ). I feel an all too personal connection to that day (for other reasons which are immaterial here), but I feel like you seeing it on a TV screen was much like the rest of the country, and thus makes it feel like you are reaching a bit too far. Remember, every single applicant to the class of 2018 was alive for that infamous day... no one wants to remember it so why did you bring it up again? Do you really think it adds anything other than a mediocre introduction. Be careful how you use such a tragic event.
 
cpanddj1 said:
jbsail,

These programs are designed to give prospective candidates a glimpse of what the Academy has to offer. My point was just simply to state (if applicable) that attendance to one of these programs further intrigued your interest.

Obviously it isn't mandatory to attend a Summer program to gain an appointment.

Not sure what your point was???????????????
Click to expand...


Yes, they are great programs. My point was to reduce the stress from some that may read about the summer programs.

People get bent out of shape because they think they have to attend/accepted to one of these programs to have a slight chance at getting accepted to an USNA. Some parents can't afford it, some kids have to work in the summer, some kids have to hang (watch/babysit) with their little bro/sister in the summer (etc). Limited spacing to the programs so not everyone gets in so to limit the stress-out from HS kids or parents giving their kids grief and perhaps the 'oh you blew it, didn't get to NASS guess you should try MMA, USMA, ROTC'
 
usnabgo08 said:
1. I believe there is a character limit, so be concise and answer the question. If you can't answer the question(s) after you read it from the perspective of someone who has no clue about you, then you need to re-work it.
2. Check for spelling and grammar.
3. This isn't a time to be overly descriptive with adjectives. Does what you are writing contribute to your point? As an example:

Does a wet tarmac or Reagan International Airport REALLY matter?

Is a black towncar add anything? Winding roads? White headstones (at a cemetery)?

You are not writing this for a book. You are writing this for a USNA Admissions Board member, who has 1-2 minutes to brief your entire record, of which this might be a very small portion of their time...you need to get DIRECTLY to the point, otherwise you are going to lose your audience and waste their time.
Click to expand...

My thoughts exactly. This is not a creative writing assignment. Your piece is well-written, but you are using a lot of characters to say that you remember 9/11 (so does everyone else), you were a cub scout, and your grandfather went to USNA. From what you write, I don't even know if you ever even spoke to your grandfather about his military career - just that you went to his funeral. You mention learning about sailing. Was it just book-learning, or did you actually sail? I'd like to know more about YOU, not the condition of the tarmac. And you never really answer the question about how attending the Academy will help you to achieve your goals. I don't mean to be harsh. You are a good writer. But considering the character limit, you would do well to heed the advice of Strunk and White in The Elements of Style, "Omit needless words."
 
Last edited:
I disagree with almost every person that commented above me. Yes, you could answer the prompt cut and dry... or, you could do what you are doing now and give them a piece of writing that reflects your intelligence, ability, inspirations, family life, and many other positive attributes that are more powerful than the empty words: "I want to attend Annapolis for an opportunity to serve my country and improve myself."
I bet nearly all applicants have used that line thus far. Be an individual.

But more on the advice side of this. Remove your essay. People could steal it, and ask your BGO what he thinks of your essay instead. (Hopefully he's not like mine and actually responds to emails.)

Best of luck, Hope to see you there.:thumb:
 
That is a fine personal statement. It's well crafted, good sentence structure and grammar and interesting. It also comes across as very genuine and not contrived to impress.

Good luck!
 
"I want to attend Annapolis for an opportunity to serve my country and improve myself."
I bet nearly all applicants have used that line thus far. Be an individual.
Click to expand...

Yes, each submission should be unique and it is up to each person to decide how to "grab" their readers attention without the common cliche. The mission of the personal statement, as stated by Admissions, is to be able to answer these two questions completely while remaining concise. In other words, can the candidate convey their point in a brief write-up. It is NOT creative writing...but one has to be "creative" in the ideas/answers to the questions. The response is between 300-500 words (and I am not sure if that actually means 300-500 characters -- which could mean even less words). The one posted by the OP is 513 words, so a little over...but point being is you have to remain in the limits. If a candidate can take 300 words to answer the point, the objective is complete.

Remember that the Admissions Board reviewer has MANY MANY candidates to review...so grab their attention in the opening lines (as you would with an essay) and then get to answering the question. My skeleton recommendation is take 1-2 opening lines, 1-2 closing lines, and two paragraphs (one for each question).

I am only providing a recommendation here...it is up to YOU on how to proceed, it is YOUR application.
 
Thanks everyone!

Thank you all for your criticisms and suggestions. You guys are great. I'm very impressed with the helpfulness and knowledgeably of this community. Thanks again!

Please relay any further input.

Gil
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top