Why I want to be an Officer Essay

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justin_112

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Hello,
I am working on an Essay for my Congresswoman (Elise Stefanik, 21st district of NYS). The prompt is to write a 500-word essay describing your reasons for wanting to serve as an officer in the United States military. Here is what I have so far, could someone give me pointers and a little guidance? Thank you.

As an American, I always hear about the brave men and women who have valiantly severed our nation. These people inspire me and push me to pursue a military career, more specifically as an officer. First and foremost, the reason I want to be an officer is to achieve one of the highest echelons of serving my nation. I want to be an officer because it gives me the opportunity to actively participate in the protection of what is most dear to me. Justice, Freedom, and Democracy are the most important ideals to me, and I believe that they need protection in times of both peace and war. Being an officer will allow me to do that. I see being an officer as the greatest way of serving one’s country. America is truly the greatest nation on Earth, and I see it as my duty to protect it, its ideals, and its people. Everyone ends up serving their nation in a way, but not everyone can actively see the change they make. As an officer, I will be at the heart of the change, and I will create a better world, for all Americans and all other nations. I have a need to help others, and this position would allow me to do exactly that. Not only do I have an innate need to change the world, but I desire to be a leader in that change. I have strong leadership qualities that would absolutely fit the role of an officer. Leading is a very natural skill for me, and the opportunity to make it my occupation, and on top of that, leading for something I believe in, would simply be the culmination of what I have worked on for my whole life. I strongly believe that I am made for this. No group of people can stand without a strong leader, and I intend to be the best leader I can be, to devote my whole being to my calling, and to only rest when I know that the job is done and has been completed properly. Changing the world is what I set out to do, and being an officer will allow me to carry America, wherever it desires to be, and allow it, and myself to change the world. To be part of the greatest military force the world has ever seen is, and to lead the brave men and women who are part of it would be the greatest honor anyone could bestow on me. However, to me, leading would not be ordering soldiers and giving orders just to exude my power, but I would be amidst them, working as a team, all with a part to do, to lift us all up as a team. I am confident that I will be a critical asset to the United States Armed Forces, and it would be an honor to be called an officer, to serve among the troops, and to defend what I love the most.
 
I’ve found they want you to tell a story that shows your potential and drive to become an officer. They want to know you more personally which will help them decide to nominate you.
 
justin_112 said:
Hello,
I am working on an Essay for my Congresswoman (Elise Stefanik, 21st district of NYS). The prompt is to write a 500-word essay describing your reasons for wanting to serve as an officer in the United States military. Here is what I have so far, could someone give me pointers and a little guidance? Thank you.

As an American, I always hear about the brave men and women who have valiantly severed our nation. These people inspire me and push me to pursue a military career, more specifically as an officer. First and foremost, the reason I want to be an officer is to achieve one of the highest echelons of serving my nation. I want to be an officer because it gives me the opportunity to actively participate in the protection of what is most dear to me. Justice, Freedom, and Democracy are the most important ideals to me, and I believe that they need protection in times of both peace and war. Being an officer will allow me to do that. I see being an officer as the greatest way of serving one’s country. America is truly the greatest nation on Earth, and I see it as my duty to protect it, its ideals, and its people. Everyone ends up serving their nation in a way, but not everyone can actively see the change they make. As an officer, I will be at the heart of the change, and I will create a better world, for all Americans and all other nations. I have a need to help others, and this position would allow me to do exactly that. Not only do I have an innate need to change the world, but I desire to be a leader in that change. I have strong leadership qualities that would absolutely fit the role of an officer. Leading is a very natural skill for me, and the opportunity to make it my occupation, and on top of that, leading for something I believe in, would simply be the culmination of what I have worked on for my whole life. I strongly believe that I am made for this. No group of people can stand without a strong leader, and I intend to be the best leader I can be, to devote my whole being to my calling, and to only rest when I know that the job is done and has been completed properly. Changing the world is what I set out to do, and being an officer will allow me to carry America, wherever it desires to be, and allow it, and myself to change the world. To be part of the greatest military force the world has ever seen is, and to lead the brave men and women who are part of it would be the greatest honor anyone could bestow on me. However, to me, leading would not be ordering soldiers and giving orders just to exude my power, but I would be amidst them, working as a team, all with a part to do, to lift us all up as a team. I am confident that I will be a critical asset to the United States Armed Forces, and it would be an honor to be called an officer, to serve among the troops, and to defend what I love the most.
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Aren’t you about 4 months late?
 
Mystic05 said:
I’ve found they want you to tell a story that shows your potential and drive to become an officer. They want to know you more personally which will help them decide to nominate you.
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I thought about that but I feel like 500 words is not enough for that, could you please be more precise?
 
My initial thought. Other than——paragraphs. And I have absolutely no experience in evaluating this.

This person sure wants to be an officer.

I know that because they repeated that they wanted to be an officer several times.

But after a quick read an initial reaction I was not at all sure why you were officer material other than a real want and a self assessment that you had the right stuff.

”I see serving as an officer as the greatest way to serve”

As a former enlisted I’d say this comes across as a bit elitist. Kind of——I want to serve but only in one capacity.

Lots of people serve and they all don’t do it in the military. And most not as officers. It’s a way to serve.

This may make no sense——less mushy more why you.

Other than just the want. Sell yourself and your attributes and how they fit into being an Officer.
 
Echoing what Korab said. The best advice I've heard regarding college entrance essays (and that's essentially what this is) is write an essay only you can write. Use personal examples and less generic rhetoric. Produce an essay admissions wants to read, not one that they've seen a thousand times.
 
Have to agree with above posters 110%. There is nothing personal in this. Dig deep and write YOUR A-ha Moment.

My DD wrote about her grandparents during WWII. Her grandfather lived behind enemy lines and as a 6 year old went to school with a belt with hidden gold coins for ransom money, and her grandmother being pushed up and into a train window to escape Shanghai while her little sister was just one hand, maybe 3 inches too short and was left behind, as in left behind in communist China. Her grandmother is an educated woman with a long career as a reference librarian. Her sister is basically an uneducated peasant. I"ve watered it down a bit, but I guarantee you it's Joy Luck Club on steriods. These shaped DD's view of our country and the importance of protecting our borders - this is why she wants to serve. USCGA swim coach emailed her (so I suppose they CAN see the applications!) and said it was a great essay.

You are telling, not showing us that you have The It Factor. Drop the needle works well when you only have up to 500-ish words; just drop us in the middle of the action and get to the really good personal bits.

Like @99Gold said too...Visualize this: someone reads your anoymous essay (not this one!) out loud to the class. Then hands it to you with a tear in his eye and says, Thank you for your future service! Because 1. only YOU could have written it and 2. It truly is compelling.
 
My advice on posting essays: Don't.

The reason is we don't know you. You may not be picking the optimal subject, A-ha moment to write about. It probably should be someone more like a mentor, coach, English teacher. And definitely your English teacher, if only to spot check for errrors and a stragetic opportunity for one on one time where you show her you'll need rec letters for 5 SAs, ROTC, nominating sources, and any other college application. Since you've studied up on that process, you can get strategic first mover advantage since nom sources are arguably the earlist due in the entire college application cycle. Don't forget to stop by your math teacher's office as well, and the GC so you can tell her you took her advice on something and it turned out great, and then remind her, and thank her for making your upcoming applications a priority!
 
You know in my interview the asked me the same thing. I had spoken about being a fighter pilot. Look I want to go fast and I want to be best. In my eyes being a fighter pilot does both while serving. I told them that. I told them I was 4th generation air force if I made it, that's one long a** blue line that ain't ending anytime soon. But thing was not one sentence I just spoke told them I would continue after being a pilot so they asked. I got quiet. " I want to bring my people home" that was it. Sure I explained it. As an officer I wouldn't be directly in the line of fire ( most of the time) that would be the people who put their life's in my hands. I just want to be officer that brings them home. Pilot or not.

You'll have all sorts of reasons. I sure as heck do. Family lineage, being the best, stable job, not wanting to be in a boat! ( oh yea I got asked why not become a marine lol, grampa was). But find that one reason that is yours that's what they want. Make it a story that at the end of the day they look back and have a name for you. For me that was "ah yes the night witch gal" cause I gave one hell of a story.

It's you, you're great but you're not a robot cause robots make horrible officers.
 
Mystic05 said:
I’ve found they want you to tell a story that shows your potential and drive to become an officer. They want to know you more personally which will help them decide to nominate you.
Click to expand...
def agree, honestly bro every essay will be similar along the lines of "i want to serve my country" because obviously you do, why else would you be applying? you need to build a story and then weave that into your reasoning in the essay
 
Just spitballing here but I would consider creating a bubble map with military service being your main idea and the different reasons of why you want to serve branching off from that. My first essay started off very similar to yours in that it was robotic. The congressional office wants to know why you specifically want to serve and why you feel this calling to put your life on the line for the good of your country. Think of that ‘aha’ moment or past experiences that now thinking back on made you realize why you want to protect our nation.
 
I offer you one, single, easy-to-fix point but it's a big one.

I didn't read your essay. I don't read essays that aren't organized into paragraphs. To me, it's an automatic disqualifier unless the rest of your packet makes you better than Eisenhower, Chesty Puller, Nimitz, and Robin Olds combined. Paragraphs help you organize your thoughts into a coherent argument/story and help the person reading it to understand and follow your path. You're not the only one who struggles with this but you need to fix it if you're serious about this.

Try this:
Start with an attention-getter introduction and a bottom line of why you should be chosen.
Next: two or three persuasive DEVELOPED examples in paragraphs of who YOU are and why YOU should be chosen that support your bottom line in your introduction.
Finally: A summary of the arguments you made.
 
Bet it'll be tough to fit in but if you can work an anecdote describing a particular moment that inspired you or strengthened your resolve to become an officer, that might go a long way to help you out- the point there being to echo what other posters have said: make your essay more personal. Use vivid detail. Speak to your English teacher. Hope this helps.
 
Definitely expand on WHY you want to serve, as HCopter's DD did. Yes, it's your lifelong dream and you want to lead people and change the world and all that-- but as many other people have said on this forum you don't need to be an officer to do that. What do you want to help our nation with specifically?

Cville24 said:
Bet it'll be tough to fit in but if you can work an anecdote describing a particular moment that inspired you or strengthened your resolve to become an officer, that might go a long way to help you out- the point there being to echo what other posters have said: make your essay more personal. Use vivid detail. Speak to your English teacher. Hope this helps.
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For me, that moment ( or really, those moments were) was when I became deputy commander of my JROTC unit. I not only enjoy leading people, but I also enjoy working next to them and sharing their experiences. It was interning at a service academy and really seeing what they do on a day-to-day basis, in addition to living right next to Andrews AFB ( close enough to hear Reveille on my days off from school, which is always nice) and asking them questions as well.
 
Speaking as someone who received 6 total nominations (3 to USNA from 2 Senators 1 Congressman, 1 to USAFA from Congressman, 1 to USMA from Congressman, and 1 to USMMA from Congressman) you need to be authentic, unique, memorable, and captivating in your essay. You are going up against the brightest of the brightest, the best of the best. You need an essay that will stick out, an essay that the interview panel will remember and become immediately captivated by your commitment to service your country. Who inspired you, what inspired you, how specifically have you shown leadership characteristics V your peers. While being Class President or Team Captain is nothing short of a tremendous accomplishment, the competition you're going up against is filled with individuals who claim similar titles. Focus on what makes you unique, what makes you qualified, and what makes you desirable than expand on that. Best of Luck! Nothing is immposible without faith
 
To me the essay writing process is a long process with many iterations. Typically the final product is indistinguishable from the first draft. But I can’t get to the final product without the benefit of the 1st draft. I wouldn’t throw your essay out. I would put it to the side a write a new one developing one of the ideas from the original that means something to you. You mentioned you would have written about … but with only 500 words didn’t feel you had the space. I don’t concern myself with the word count until very late in the process. The most important thing to me is to develop a story I feel strongly about. That is critical. Once that is done you can condense it to fit the word count. That is the last part, in what for me has always been a long process…You’ll know your done when you have an essay that you absolutely love and feel so strongly about that you would never consider sharing with your competition 🧐. Keep writing until you have that and then worry about the word count. Good luck.
 
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