The question comes down to where is the line between supporting and doing? Is there a generally accepted hard line? Has that line been influenced by the convenience of cell phones and social media?
Not exactly sure where the line is, but for me, here's a start:
• I would not contact any of my son's professors or students I'm aware of in the same classes.
• I wouldn't insist he choose any particular major, or choose any particular extracurricular activity or run for any leadership positions.
• I wouldn't demand that my son show me individual final grades. (I ask, "how'd you do" and interpret the answer according to the tone the answer was delivered in as to whether or not he wishes to discuss this with me. It's his business.)
• I consider the tuition I'm paying to be an investment in my son's future but he's the one who receives each class syllabus and must abide by that contract, not me. Therefore, I consider the tuition I pay to be an investment in HIM, not an investment in some school. He is responsible for every aspect of his education. I am responsible for signing a check and asking every so often if he needs my help or advice about anything.
• I would not get involved in anything related to ROTC training. Not my business.
• I would not get involved in anything to do with school traditions or events unless parent involvement and help is part of the tradition (like drop off day, parents day, graduation, competitions where a fan base is a key element). For example: stuff I'm not getting involved in: school rings, yearbooks, dances, parties, trips, etc, unless a student who is not my kid specifically asks for my input and other than a little input on my part, the thing is otherwise completely student-driven.
What else? I'm sure I could sit here and list stuff all day. What else crosses the line? I'm sure there's more.
The way I look at it, my son is at an SMC. He is expected to take responsibility for his actions; to be dependent on and responsible to his CoC for information; to learn to be observant, aware and empathetic; to rise to physical, mental and emotional challenges that would ultimately prove his capability to be an officer leading other people's kids in combat. If he's good at that stuff without my interference, then that's where he belongs. If he's not good at it, or if he requires my input on key stuff, somebody on staff there is going to notice and send him elsewhere.
Funnily enough, I could see DS's dorm window from the webcam. There were times when I could sort of make out whether the light was on. Am I a helicopter parent for looking at the webcam? Nah. I just miss him and that made me feel close for a second without bothering him in the slightest.