Can I get feedback on my essay for Pence

talltrees

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My mother grew up in a country that was in economic and political strife. She grew up in Thailand in a time where a military dictator reigned and university students were being massacred for protesting. My paternal grandmother grew up on the run. She grew up escaping death camps and gestapo. She grew up not being able to practice her religion under the threat of death. I grew up privileged. I grew up with a democratically president and the ability to express my opinions. I grew up going to school and summer camps. I grew up practicing Judaism and being Bar Mitzvahed. Just by the luck of me being born in America, I had the privilege of being born in the greatest nation on Earth, a nation that respects and defends the rights that my family had so long been denied. Throughout my childhood I heard the stories of tyranny and oppression that plagued my families homelands and how America gave them opportunity that seemed like only a dream. I want to give back to the country that has given my family and I so much. I recognize that the American Dream isn't free, it was paid for by the sacrifice by generations of Americans who saw something greater than themselves. I ``ve always wanted to serve my country in some capacity. As I matured and started high school I knew that I wanted to join the military; however, my desire to serve was very general. All I wanted to do was serve and in general be an honorable American. It wasn't until my Sophomore year of high school that I learned about the Service Academies. While speaking to the representatives from each Academy I became enamored about the level of character that came out of the Academys: the cream of the crop. From that night on I narrowed down how I wanted to serve my country and understood what I had to do obtain that service.

I ``ve always had a passion for leadership. For me the challenge of solving problems and managing the interactions between people has been exciting. From my recent attendance at Boys State and long time enrollment in my schools 4 year political science program CIVITAS I learned a lot about the importance of leadership for America. Both of these programs taught me the most desirable aspect of leadership, which is accountability. The weight of success and failure lay upon the leader`s shoulders. So it takes someone with who is willing to own mistakes and grow from them, however hard it may be .I understand that West Point, the Naval Academy, and the Air Force academy produce the greatest military leaders in the world. I want to be the best leader that I can be, I want to lead the finest men and women in the country, and I know that the Service academies guide me to becoming a great leader.

Growing up in a family that had been so affected by tyranny I had empathy for those who were in the same dangers and my mother and grandmother. It is important to me that I am able to help those in need and secure the liberty and rights for people who have had their rights callously stolen from them. By serving my country and making sure America is safe I know that in the long run it is making the whole world a safer place for democracy and freedom.

For me going to a service academy is more than just earning an education or having the honor of going to a prestigious institution. For me it is about learning how to be the best leader possible so that I can preserve and defend the liberty and freedoms that America offers.
 
I would suggest getting your English teacher to help you with grammar, syntax, spelling, and usage errors. There are many.
The overall gist of this essay reads like it is yours and yours alone. This is good.

If you get too much help here, your essay will sound like a thousand others and become a generic smattering of words. I would counsel against departing from what you want to convey about your desire to serve, to make it "sound like an essay that will get you into the Academy". That is usually a mistake, and a stellar essay isn't going to get you into an Academy, anyway.

And you refer to him as "Vice President Pence", not "Pence".
 
Also, double check the requirements for the VP Nom. I think they just your SA essays and additional items are not needed.
 
What is the length limitation of essays for VP nom? Make sure yours is not over the limit. I think yours is 626 words.
 
Is this something new? I did not think there was an essay for VP nomination. In fact, I was pretty sure the VP nomination process was to let the academies rank the nominees based on their SA application.
 
It is entirely done online, but I think my DS said that there was an essay field.
 
Is this something new? I did not think there was an essay for VP nomination. In fact, I was pretty sure the VP nomination process was to let the academies rank the nominees based on their SA application.

I believe the VP nom is offered for those reapplying to a SA (and currently in ROTC/Civil Prep school and maybe enlisted).
 
Is this something new? I did not think there was an essay for VP nomination. In fact, I was pretty sure the VP nomination process was to let the academies rank the nominees based on their SA application.

I believe the VP nom is offered for those reapplying to a SA (and currently in ROTC/Civil Prep school and maybe enlisted).
As shock-n-awe said this is incorrect and I felt it deserved to be underlined.
 
Is this something new? I did not think there was an essay for VP nomination. In fact, I was pretty sure the VP nomination process was to let the academies rank the nominees based on their SA application.

I believe the VP nom is offered for those reapplying to a SA (and currently in ROTC/Civil Prep school and maybe enlisted).
As shock-n-awe said this is incorrect and I felt it deserved to be underlined.

Any SA applicant is eligible to apply for a VP nomination, and should apply.

Wow, I never knew that! My brother went through the application process twice and had it directly offered to him only the second time. I guess it’s less of a common one. Thanks for letting us know!
 
@FØB Zero They must have really wanted your brother on the re-application. Admissions use the VP nom to appoint folks at the end of the cycle to round out their class as they see fit. It's rare as there is usually only 1 appointment per year with this nomination. Nevertheless one should always apply for it, as your brother proved.
 
There is only one individual charged to the VP each year, just like any other MOC, but there can be 10 nominations. You just need the nomination to be offered an appointment as a Qualified Alternate or Additional Appointee. As others have said, each academy usually holds these till the end of the process to help with highly desirable candidates that missed out on a nomination for some reason.
 
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