Hi all!
First, some really good information passing here; kudo's for that! Candidate statements are a big deal at the "big three" SA's; have been for quite a few years and each year I have candidates come to me asking if I'll "proof" their statement. My answer is always: "I'll look for grammar errors and such but that's all...its YOUR statement." And that seems to work well.
Brovol's comment about what the SA's look for is correct. Essentially this is the candidates chance to make an impression. How well you write...that's been debated about how critical that is; personally when I've been at USAFA and had a chance to look at some of these, the folks in admissions weren't as picky about how well they were written (okay, spelling and such obvious no-no's aside) but what where they saying? It's really easy to read one of these and see a "coached response." A "passionate commentary" lets the reader into your head a bit, and gives them some insight into who you are. Again, this is the chance to "say who you are, what you believe, and why you are a good choice." Again, as Brovol said: substance is important here. A rambling essay that really isn't cohesive isn't going to do well, whereas a well thought out response to a query will make a statement.
As I said...GOOD information here!!!
Steve
USAFA ALO
USAFA '83