I don't know how to proceed - advice

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PRBWJB

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Apr 3, 2021
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My dd is in the middle of applying for colleges and AFROTC. She is a phenomenal student and, my dh and I believe, she will thrive in ROTC. However, she is having a great deal of anxiety lately - mostly due to the "what ifs" at this stage in life: What if I don't get into the college I want? What if I don't like my major? What if I don't like ROTC? What if I don't make friends? What if.....????

She has met with a counselor for a few months - not on a regular basis because of scheduling conflicts. I told the counselor that we wanted to avoid meds if at all possible. Since my dd is still a minor, the counselor would have to discuss with me if she thinks meds are necessary. The counselor has not discussed anything with me, so I don't think she believes it is necessary (but then my dd said she hasn't gone into detail of what it feels like when she is so worried). We mentioned all this to the pediatrician, and he said that if it gets to the point where she is overly anxious, he could prescribe something.

DD has been overwhelmed this week and I want to help her, but am so concerned her possible future with ROTC will be ruined if she is prescribed something for anxiety. I truly believe once college applications are in (she is applying EA) and the ROTC process is complete, she will be able to take a deep breath and all will be fine.

Is it this cut and dry? If you take anxiety meds you are DQ'd?

Thanks in advance for any advice or personal experience. I know her mental health is the #1 priority, but I feel this is somewhat "normal" teenage angst with my overly-dramatic (sometimes) daughter.
 
So you're asking for advice based on opinions of strangers? Sure, here we go.

First, (and what you should consider when receiving advice from strangers), let me give you my background.

I happen to have an 18, 19, and a 21 year old in college, all of whom are in their first year away from home. Two of the three were equipped at birth with vaginas, and one with a penis. In addition to being their very active father, and a bit of a control freak, I was also their Girl Scout (yes, there are male girl scout leaders) and Boy Scout leader. I've got a good bit of experience with not only my three, but everyone else's youngsters. Oh, and I'm a USAF retiree, with nearly another 20 years contracting for the Marine Corps, so I have a good little bit of experience with the youth being turned out over the last 40 years.

Next, you need to realize mental health care (and so many other things in our lives) is an industry. As a disabled, PTSD suffering (according to the VA), veteran, people would be happy to teach me dog grooming, horseback riding, fly fishing, hiking, motorcycle riding, and more, all under the pretense of "helping" a disabled veteran. Of course these people aren't motiviated by the tax breaks and subsidies available to their organizations by helping us messed up veterans, are they? And the VA would love to hand me a half dozen or so prescriptions to "help me cope" so they can show how overwhelmed they are and how they need their funding increased. Bottom line, is if you visit a mental health counselor, you should not be surprised his or her conclusion is that your daughter definitely needs the full gamut of their agency's services.

You asked for it, so here it comes.

Daughter of OP:
- Pull on your big girl panties and cowboy up. Cross bridges when you get to them. Research answers to your questions and concerns.
- Watch and take in Admiral McRaven's "Make Your Bed" speech.
- When your feet hit the ground in the morning (and no excuse for this to be later than 0700), make that bed, then fall to the floor and do some pushups and situps until you can't do any more.
- Being physically fit promotes being mentally fit.
- Drink nothing but water. Sports drinks, energy drinks, coffee, sugary stuff, etc. Just messes with your mind and body.
- Life isn't fair, life isn't always fun. People don't have to like you. You don't have the right to expect others to tip-toe around you for fear of hurting your feelings.
- You don't likely need drugs, you need to get off your whiny little rear and take charge of your life. (advice I give all 3 of mine regularly).
- Delete all your social media accounts.
- Limit yourself to 30 minutes per day of non-school related internet usage (pre-internet, this was our rule with television).
- No screen-time two hours before you go to bed (and this needs to be no later than 2200). Yes, you do need 8 hours of sleep. Unplugging allows your mind to relax.
- Don't hang out with people dumber than you. Don't let people use you for an emotional toilet (those "friends" who want to dump their problems on you). Don't use anyone else for a crying towel either.

There you go, some free advice from a stranger, and worth every penny you paid for it.
 
OldAFRet said:
So you're asking for advice based on opinions of strangers? Sure, here we go.

First, (and what you should consider when receiving advice from strangers), let me give you my background.

I happen to have an 18, 19, and a 21 year old in college, all of whom are in their first year away from home. Two of the three were equipped at birth with vaginas, and one with a penis. In addition to being their very active father, and a bit of a control freak, I was also their Girl Scout (yes, there are male girl scout leaders) and Boy Scout leader. I've got a good bit of experience with not only my three, but everyone else's youngsters. Oh, and I'm a USAF retiree, with nearly another 20 years contracting for the Marine Corps, so I have a good little bit of experience with the youth being turned out over the last 40 years.

Next, you need to realize mental health care (and so many other things in our lives) is an industry. As a disabled, PTSD suffering (according to the VA), veteran, people would be happy to teach me dog grooming, horseback riding, fly fishing, hiking, motorcycle riding, and more, all under the pretense of "helping" a disabled veteran. Of course these people aren't motiviated by the tax breaks and subsidies available to their organizations by helping us messed up veterans, are they? And the VA would love to hand me a half dozen or so prescriptions to "help me cope" so they can show how overwhelmed they are and how they need their funding increased. Bottom line, is if you visit a mental health counselor, you should not be surprised his or her conclusion is that your daughter definitely needs the full gamut of their agency's services.

You asked for it, so here it comes.

Daughter of OP:
- Pull on your big girl panties and cowboy up. Cross bridges when you get to them. Research answers to your questions and concerns.
- Watch and take in Admiral McRaven's "Make Your Bed" speech.
- When your feet hit the ground in the morning (and no excuse for this to be later than 0700), make that bed, then fall to the floor and do some pushups and situps until you can't do any more.
- Being physically fit promotes being mentally fit.
- Drink nothing but water. Sports drinks, energy drinks, coffee, sugary stuff, etc. Just messes with your mind and body.
- Life isn't fair, life isn't always fun. People don't have to like you. You don't have the right to expect others to tip-toe around you for fear of hurting your feelings.
- You don't likely need drugs, you need to get off your whiny little rear and take charge of your life. (advice I give all 3 of mine regularly).
- Delete all your social media accounts.
- Limit yourself to 30 minutes per day of non-school related internet usage (pre-internet, this was our rule with television).
- No screen-time two hours before you go to bed (and this needs to be no later than 2200). Yes, you do need 8 hours of sleep. Unplugging allows your mind to relax.
- Don't hang out with people dumber than you. Don't let people use you for an emotional toilet (those "friends" who want to dump their problems on you). Don't use anyone else for a crying towel either.

There you go, some free advice from a stranger, and worth every penny you paid for it.
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As her parents, we agree with you 100%! Thankfully, no one in the medical or counseling field has suggested meds, but several of dd's friends are on them and she thinks it is helping them. Honestly, I think when she gets to college and can have more control over who she interacts with on a daily basis, she can remove herself from the "drama queen" types.

Thank you!
 
PRBWJB said:
As her parents, we agree with you 100%! Thankfully, no one in the medical or counseling field has suggested meds, but several of dd's friends are on them and she thinks it is helping them. Honestly, I think when she gets to college and can have more control over who she interacts with on a daily basis, she can remove herself from the "drama queen" types.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
Ref: Honestly, I think when she gets to college and can have more control over who she interacts with on a daily basis, she can remove herself from the "drama queen" types.

You are absolutely correct here (and let's hope she doesn't meet any new drama queens). My oldest suffered depression because of these drama queens dominating her life. She thought (because she was told) she needed meds herself. I got her out of that situation, and moved her clear across the state (with a new cell phone #, email address, etc.).

Guess what??? She's a very stable, responsible, 4.0 college student now!

I won't wish her luck, I'll wish her the fortitude to take control of her life!
 
A1Janitor said:
Excellent post @OldAFRet.

I would only add that parents should recognize signs that their child’s anxiety/depression is something more serious than normal teenage behavior. I was in that boat.
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Good suggestion, but take it one more step and recognize how said anxiety/depression may be manufactured by the environment in which they operate. Could be, the home life I provide really sucks, no matter how wonderful I think I am doing. Could be they are in the wrong school or academic track. Could be the internet. Could be a lot of things.
 
OldAFRet said:
Good suggestion, but take it one more step and recognize how said anxiety/depression may be manufactured by the environment in which they operate. Could be, the home life I provide really sucks, no matter how wonderful I think I am doing. Could be they are in the wrong school or academic track. Could be the internet. Could be a lot of things.
Click to expand...

My daughter was in and out of hospitals in high school. Suicidal. Sometimes it is more serious than what we think.

I am as proud of my daughter as I am my son. She graduated early from a good school with great grades. She got accepted into the four universities that she applied for for her doctorate in child psychology and started classes a few weeks ago.

Sometimes it is more complicated than what we can control.
 
PRBWJB said:
My dd is in the middle of applying for colleges and AFROTC. She is a phenomenal student and, my dh and I believe, she will thrive in ROTC. However, she is having a great deal of anxiety lately - mostly due to the "what ifs" at this stage in life: What if I don't get into the college I want? What if I don't like my major? What if I don't like ROTC? What if I don't make friends? What if.....????

She has met with a counselor for a few months - not on a regular basis because of scheduling conflicts. I told the counselor that we wanted to avoid meds if at all possible. Since my dd is still a minor, the counselor would have to discuss with me if she thinks meds are necessary. The counselor has not discussed anything with me, so I don't think she believes it is necessary (but then my dd said she hasn't gone into detail of what it feels like when she is so worried). We mentioned all this to the pediatrician, and he said that if it gets to the point where she is overly anxious, he could prescribe something.

DD has been overwhelmed this week and I want to help her, but am so concerned her possible future with ROTC will be ruined if she is prescribed something for anxiety. I truly believe once college applications are in (she is applying EA) and the ROTC process is complete, she will be able to take a deep breath and all will be fine.

Is it this cut and dry? If you take anxiety meds you are DQ'd?

Thanks in advance for any advice or personal experience. I know her mental health is the #1 priority, but I feel this is somewhat "normal" teenage angst with my overly-dramatic (sometimes) daughter.
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You are asking in the right place to get assistance. But it will have to be your DD inquiring. The main man, Mr Larry Mullen, checks here often and assists candidates.

Your DD will have to fill out a DoDMERB screening questionnaire, that will ask questions specific to what you are inquiring. Answer the questions honestly, we have had candidates post that are in a bind bc they fibbed on their medical, out of fear of a DQ.

A DQ from DoDMERB isn’t the end of the road, as it sounds. The ultimate authority is the program, who decides whether to waive a DQ, or not (some are waiverable. Some are not. Some are in limited quantity. And each program has their own authority to waive).
 
The correct answer? Here:

MOM/DAD: Google "DoDMERB;" Hit "Questions on the process;" Read paragraph #4.


DD: Send me an email: lawrence.e.mullen.civ@mail.mil; provide complete name and last 4 SSN; provide the text of your Parent's posting above to YOUR email. The subject line of the email should be “PRBWJB - SAF = I don't know how to proceed - advice .“ Do NOT embed links in your email as I will not be able to view those.:wiggle:
 
All sage advice above. I would add, she doesn't have to wait until college to remove drama from her life. She, with your support can being that process in the next five minutes. I see kids in school every day who are drowning emotionally and most of the time it is the drama they allow in their lives via crappy vapid friends and social media. Starting to close down those social media accounts and put their head down to focus solely on their own academic, physical and mental health is critical.

As @A1Janitor stated, sometimes it is more and the kiddo may need additional services to include medical and mental health care. Their health comes first, no question.

Even at college, or an SA there will be drama. There will be drama kings and queens. So learning to navigate around those land mines now rather than later is key.
 
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OldAFRet said:
- Don't hang out with people dumber than you. Don't let people use you for an emotional toilet (those "friends" who want to dump their problems on you). Don't use anyone else for a crying towel either.
Click to expand...
OldAFRet gave excellent advice, I agree with all of them except the last one. How is "Dumber" being defined here? If we are talking about not hanging out with people who make poor choices like doing drugs, drinking underage, or fighting at bars, then I agree don't hang out with those people. These activities can get you into some legal trouble and our world today is not a compassionate nor a forgiving one.

However, if "Dumber" is being defined here as someone with a lower IQ or academic ability, then I disagree. I have met some great Marine and Naval Officers who had subpar GPAs in college but their ability to lead and perform is in many cases better than others. In my experience, meeting people from all walks of life and different backgrounds gives you a better perspective on your life and humbles you. Don't discredit somebody based on their Intelligence, we are all different. Personally, I see it as shameful somebody would not want to associate themselves with someone simply because of their intelligence. Not saying that is what OldAFRet said he gave great advice, but just in general if somebody says that I will not have respect for them.
 
And sometimes the right answer is that your daughter does need medication if her anxiety/depression is stopping her from doing what she wants to be doing. I do agree it is good to try other things first but it is not a failure if she needs meds. It might be that she also could not deal with the people and uncertainty of military life because of anxiety.
 
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