Long Distance Relationships....

C

Candidate3456

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Nov 10, 2020
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Hello,
So I know the forums are for more serious posts, but I just wanted to know a few things about the restraints on long-distance relationships now that I am going to USAFA. Firstly, I am from New Jersey (yeah extremely far from Colordo) and my GF is staying in-state. So, I'm a little uninformed about this stuff but what kind of restrictions will there be at the academy that will limit my availability to her? For instance, how will BCT work? Specifically, what are my phone privileges at the Academy during BCT and during the year? My case has been a little odd. I was accepted to USAFA in march, then medically DQ in April, and I have successfully appealed and got waived yesterday. Nevertheless, we have been through a roller coaster together and we truly want to continue our relationship there. Additionally, I heard a lot of cadets only come home for two weeks after their first year at the Academy; is this true? Overall, it depends on us the chances we can work together through the years, not on other chances. I just want to know any past experiences people have had with restrictions and etcs. Please let me know. Thankyou.
 
Again to say great job appealing and winning. My gut says focus on your summer at USAFA and make sure your significant other knows the demands on your time for at least a year will limit your availability. I believe that is true for all SA’s. Communication and honesty are paramount and reasonable expectations are key.
Congratulations on your appointment.
 
Large parts of summer are taken up with training. 2 weeks sounds about right, but I do not have direct experience.
 
I’ll be the bad guy here. Tell the girlfriend to take a year to live her life on her own you have to devote way too much time your first year to the academy and frankly will not have the time a typical, young girlfriend needs. You will have zero, I said zero time for her during BCT. You can write her a letter but it won’t be long enough or it will be all about what you are doing and not focused on her so she will be mad anyway. You will only have 3 weeks in the summer and may not even get those if you decide to take a class or do something else special at the academy. You definitely won’t get those if you fail a class because that’s when you will retake it because you talked on the phone with her during all your free time that you should have been studying. I’m a true believer in not trying a long distance relationship at a regular college much less doolie year at USAFA. I wish you the best but if your head is constantly what is she doing back home you won’t survive in Colorado Springs. Good luck
 
Bigrod said:
I’ll be the bad guy here. Tell the girlfriend to take a year to live her life on her own you have to devote way too much time your first year to the academy and frankly will not have the time a typical, young girlfriend needs. You will have zero, I said zero time for her during BCT. You can write her a letter but it won’t be long enough or it will be all about what you are doing and not focused on her so she will be mad anyway. You will only have 3 weeks in the summer and may not even get those if you decide to take a class or do something else special at the academy. You definitely won’t get those if you fail a class because that’s when you will retake it because you talked on the phone with her during all your free time that you should have been studying. I’m a true believer in not trying a long distance relationship at a regular college much less doolie year at USAFA. I wish you the best but if your head is constantly what is she doing back home you won’t survive in Colorado Springs. Good luck
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Agree with this for the most part. You will have zero time and basically zero phone privileges (you might get one 2 min call here and there and will be able to call longer on one single day) during basic. After basic, the schedule is demanding and if you are trying to make a lot of time to talk to her, it's going to hurt your chances of being successful at USAFA. After freshman year, you'll probably have 3 weeks of leave, the other time you can often go home is Christmas, but beyond that - you won't have much time to leave and visit.

Now - if she can truly accept that you will have very limited time for her and that, at least freshman year, she is likely not the number one priority for you for a time - you might be able to make it work, but the only way you'll be successful is if you both go in with your eyes wide open. Assume you will have NO time for her and treat any time you do as an amazing gift. After freshman year some elements get easier, but the classes get harder (MUCH harder if you do a challenging major) and your summers often don't have a leave period (because of all the other amazing USAFA opportunities).

In short - there is a reason the success rate for relationships like is extremely low. It can be done, but you both need to seriously adjust your expectations.
 
@Thank you @Bigrod for another perspective!

To our OP: It's not impossible, but because you are already asking, does that mean you are doubting?

Let me ask another way:
On the current calendar, there are 3 dates cited when you can call home. Our DD got about 30 minutes each time, but we didn't know when she would get to call home, or what time it would come.
Who are you going to call first, GF or mom?
If GF, will she say, "We've been talking 10 minutes. I love you enough to hang up on you so you can call your mom, and she can fill me in later!"

and hopefully some variations of:
You're not missing anything!
What? Who? No, they aren't doing anything interesting either!
What you are doing is so cool and exciting!
We'll be up for A-Day/Parent's Weekend!
Did you get my letters? I'll write more! I'm writing one now!
and in general, helping you process situations as The Glass is Half Full
 
Candidate3456 said:
Wow...
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It’s an introduction to military life, active duty and being treated as an adult, all in one, echoing future family separations, deployments, missed childbirths as a father, missed holidays, missed anniversaries, disrupted relationships. It’s not called an immersion approach vs ROTC in jest.

At USNA, it’s jokingly called the Two Percent Club, that tiny percentage of pre-USNA relationships that survives 4 years and sometimes beyond.

If your significant other can thrive independently, has her own activities, friendships and goals and her happiness is not dependent on being glued to you at the hip - and vice versa - you have a chance. With maturity, flexibility, grace, strong two-way communications and putting the other first, it can be done.

You owe her the clearest explanation possible of what your life will be like over the next few months, first year and 3 years after that. Ask her and give her the option to choose whether she wants that or not. That’s you putting her needs first. It is far more challenging than you going to another college with visits back and forth, looking forward to shared breaks, able to keep in touch regularly. If you think you were busy and stressed in HS, multiply by several factors. Is she the type to understand and accept periods of no communication and short texts? Let her decide. You can try and then assess at Thanksgiving, have an honest conversation about it.
 
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I agree with the above posts. Let me give you the added perspective of civilian college. I went away, my GF did not. You will be exposed to a very different environment and life experiences than she will which will change in you in different ways - but you won't necessarily realize it. If you are the jealous type, you will be worried about what she is doing and vice versa. As was mentioned above, you will not have much time for her and she will find it hard to believe. Its a recipe for a dis-satisfactory relationship that will end in hard feelings and tears. My advice is to enjoy the remaining time you have and agree to be friends once you leave. If you re-connect down the road then great.

I also know if I were in your shoes and someone just said that to me, I would say that they don't me, don't know us and that we are different and try to keep the relationship going...some things you need to experience to learn.
 
@HCopter and everyone else has given great advice. As far as calls during BCT our DS didn’t have anywhere close to 30 minutes on his phone calls. Closer to 15 and one was closer to 5 minutes, so be prepared as it is likely squadron or flight dependent. Realistic expectations will be important. Good luck!
 
DS was in a relationship with a home town girl who also attended the same college. She was a year behind him. They were inseparable.

After he went active duty, she ended the relationship in 4 months. She couldn't handle the long distance relationship and he HAD plenty of phone privileges. Young folks like to be dating and in a relationship. Just the way it is.

A few months before heading to Okinawa for 3 years he met a gal who he had a lot in common with. They each knew the other was the "one". She met him every 6 months somewhere in the Eastern Pacific - mainland Japan, Indonesia, Australia etc. They're getting married next month 2.5 years after his return to the states.

As Capt MJ said it takes maturity, commitment, sacrifice, and hard work. Did I say maturity?
 
Capt MJ said:
It’s an introduction to military life, active duty and being treated as an adult, all in one, echoing future family separations, deployments, missed childbirths as a father, missed holidays, missed anniversaries, disrupted relationships. It’s not called an immersion approach vs ROTC in jest.

At USNA, it’s jokingly called the Two Percent Club, that tiny percentage of pre-USNA relationships that survives 4 years and sometimes beyond.

If your significant other can thrive independently, has her own activities, friendships and goals and her happiness is not dependent on being glued to you at the hip - and vice versa - you have a chance. With maturity, flexibility, grace, strong two-way communications and putting the other first, it can be done.

You owe her the clearest explanation possible of what your life will be like over the next few months, first year and 3 years after that. Ask her and give her the option to choose whether she wants that or not. That’s you putting her needs first. It is far more challenging than you going to another college with visits back and forth, looking forward to shared breaks, able to keep in touch regularly. If you think you were busy and stressed in HS, multiply by several factors. Is she the type to understand and accept periods of no communication and short texts? Let her decide. You can try and then assess at Thanksgiving, have an honest conversation about it.
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Cannot echo this enough. I have two Mids, different academies, but same issues/set of expectations. Both came in with GF’s, with completely different outcomes.

One mid got dumped during plebe summer, at his lowest low. And he almost quit. GF couldn’t handle not being constantly in the know about what he was doing. And with whom. She didn’t trust him. Was pretty immature. Her whole life with him. So as a mom I knew that would not last. And it was a bumpy road for a while with the emotional break up (other things too, but that’s a different story). Best thing that ever happened was the ending of that, BUT, sometimes lack of forward thinking results in people actually quitting. Thinking they can go back and tend to the relationship. My point, is to be prepared for a challenge in this area. BUT KNOW that if you were meant to be, you willl.

Like my other Mid, a firstie now. They have exactly the relationship @Capt MJ described. GF is perusing her own fantastic academic opportunities, has her own interests. Mature. Forward thinking. They HAVE made it work. She flies out every now and then, their relationship strengthened over the years, with the confidence that they can survive being physically apart. They will be a 2pct club member. And I expect marry.

You really have to think about your goal. The o commission. And your partner needs to support and understand your goal. With the partner along side, supporting, encouraging you, it can be done (my oldest). With a jealous, resentful, untrusting, needy partner (my youngest), it wont survive. But, your homies will get you through a breakup (if that happens). There is a lot of bonding over the breakups the first year!

Only y’all know where you fall on the spectrum. But it’s difficult, not impossible. And BTW, this happens freshman year all over the country. There is a lot of change and growth that occurs especially freshman year. While the demands at a SA are greater...it’s true that *most* high school relationships dissolve, no matter where you go to school.
 
When in doubt, there is no doubt. Focus on USAFA, you have plenty of time for relationships later.
 
Candidate3456 said:
Wow...
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This response gave me pause. You have terrific advice in all of the comments already made. What I think you need to consider is preparing yourself mentally for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. You applied, fought for, and were accepted to the USAFA. That's rare air. And that rare, high-altitude air comes with sacrifices. Time with loved ones being #1.

If that is truly what you want, and the career opportunities that come afterward--make it and your mental, physical and emotional health your first priority.

Our DS is single, he says he doesn't have the time to give a GF texting, calling, answering questions, explaining his activities and why he isn't available at the beck and call of a young lady who truly wouldn't be able to understand the day to day expectations of a midshipmen or in your case, cadet.
 
Heatherg21 said:
This response gave me pause. You have terrific advice in all of the comments already made. What I think you need to consider is preparing yourself mentally for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. You applied, fought for, and were accepted to the USAFA. That's rare air. And that rare, high-altitude air comes with sacrifices. Time with loved ones being #1.

If that is truly what you want, and the career opportunities that come afterward--make it and your mental, physical and emotional health your first priority.

Our DS is single, he says he doesn't have the time to give a GF texting, calling, answering questions, explaining his activities and why he isn't available at the beck and call of a young lady who truly wouldn't be able to understand the day to day expectations of a midshipmen or in your case, cadet.
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This is all really informative. Thank you to all who responded and trying to help me. I understand that things will be EXTREMELY difficult going into BCT and then my plebe year. My girlfriend and I will be continuing long-distance, and we are aware of the extreme lack of communication, and yes, she is scared that it may be a lot without being able to talk to me. This is modern relationships, and honestly, I feel the same as my GF. This issue was, when I was first accepted, we both knew what to expect later on. Then, when I was medically DQ, I took it very hard, and she could only feel bad for me. I realized maybe it was a good thing and that I could pursue pre-med at college with my GF there as well. We had built our whole summers and the next four years together. Suddenly, I get the email two days after being told that my waiver was HIGHLY unlikely by misty block herself. Everyone, my friends, family, and my GF are telling me to go, that this is my dream. However, I had accepted my fate for the last two months, and I love my GF so much and yes I may be young, and this may sound naive, but I simply do not want to even think about finding another special someone in my future. All of you are saying my son found her, or my daughter found him here; I am not sure if I want that. Ultimately, I am studying the same thing at USAFA and the college I was going to. Nevertheless, I understand the difficulties and my GF and I know we must be EXTREMELY strong. For the most part, I need to at least try USAFA and see if it is truly the right fit for me. I am not one to be a quitter, but I know many do once reaching and I mean, they got there in the first place. I know in any other situation, we are meant to be. I still believe we are meant to be, but I guess so is my dream at USAFA.
 
Also, I am noticing a lot more harsh truths in these forums and I am sending them to my GF. PLEASE ANY positive ones will do as well. I am not saying give me false hope, but I just want to know some of the good things.
 
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