Long Distance Relationships....

I am glad to hear you are planning to go ahead to USAFA. Be open to life’s twists and turns, be prepared for change in yourself and in what’s important to you, be prepared for your GF to change as well. That’s what happens to people. Your relationships either grow and change and adapt as the two of you mature, or not. No way to know, except to be honest and give it your best effort.

Good things. You will be confident you are building a strong foundation for your future, in or out of uniform. You will make some of the best friends you will ever have. You have the opportunity to be generous in spirit and cheer your girlfriend on her new journey with a whole heart, and if you get through the tests that lie ahead, you will build a strong core of a balanced adult relationship that can survive all kinds of challenges. DH and I have been married 39 years, dual military couple for a big part of it, many separations, deployments, missed events, and we grew stronger as individuals as well as a couple. He cheered me on, I cheered him on, we were brutally honest, we made sacrifices. We feel we can handle almost anything, because we feel we have a bond of steely strength that has gotten us through all kinds of hurdles. Treat your GF’s goals and dreams, talents and gifts, with the same care and respect you hope for from her. Promise each other that if feelings change, you will let the other person know, out of respect and kindness, avoiding “bad breakup drama.”

Last bit of advice. The biggest fights, upsets and relationship failures usually seem to arise from assumptions and expectations, and the failure to communicate about these upfront.
 
Candidate3456 said:
This is all really informative. Thank you to all who responded and trying to help me. I understand that things will be EXTREMELY difficult going into BCT and then my plebe year. My girlfriend and I will be continuing long-distance, and we are aware of the extreme lack of communication, and yes, she is scared that it may be a lot without being able to talk to me. This is modern relationships, and honestly, I feel the same as my GF. This issue was, when I was first accepted, we both knew what to expect later on. Then, when I was medically DQ, I took it very hard, and she could only feel bad for me. I realized maybe it was a good thing and that I could pursue pre-med at college with my GF there as well. We had built our whole summers and the next four years together. Suddenly, I get the email two days after being told that my waiver was HIGHLY unlikely by misty block herself. Everyone, my friends, family, and my GF are telling me to go, that this is my dream. However, I had accepted my fate for the last two months, and I love my GF so much and yes I may be young, and this may sound naive, but I simply do not want to even think about finding another special someone in my future. All of you are saying my son found her, or my daughter found him here; I am not sure if I want that. Ultimately, I am studying the same thing at USAFA and the college I was going to. Nevertheless, I understand the difficulties and my GF and I know we must be EXTREMELY strong. For the most part, I need to at least try USAFA and see if it is truly the right fit for me. I am not one to be a quitter, but I know many do once reaching and I mean, they got there in the first place. I know in any other situation, we are meant to be. I still believe we are meant to be, but I guess so is my dream at USAFA.
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My in-laws are part of the 2% club. They started dating in high school and got married days after my dFIL graduated USMA. Her dad was a grad and she was a brat (military, that is) and knew the drill. She knew what to expect and accepted it whole-heartedly. It is possible to make it. She accepted and loved her role as a military spouse.

One caution I will echo that has been mentioned above is this: being a GF/BF at an academy is hard. No doubt about it. However, being a military spouse is a lot harder. Deployments can destroy relationships. It takes an understanding and strong spouse to endure it. Not being able to tell your spouse what your job actually is is tough. It's a big part of your life and can't always be shared. You could look at your time at USAFA as a testing ground for your relationship. OTOH, my sister married her high school sweetheart after getting commissioned through ROTC. They spent every waking moment together during her college years. Since then, he has spent several deployments raising kids alone, putting his own career and education aside, moving every 3 years, and being "the commander's husband." I know that they have fond memories of college (though they were both working their butts off to pay for living expenses/room & board). However, I have no doubt he would have been there if she had chosen an academy instead.
 
Here is one positive. I told you how my HS GF and I didn't work out. I met my future wife 2 years later in AFROTC. She was 3 years behind me and we dated for 18 months then we got engaged the month before I went Active Duty 2,000 miles away. We talked all the time, visited each other when possible and are now going on 27 years of marriage. BUT, I was much more mature than I was prior. SHE was also doing AFROTC so we had similar experiences and understood the separation and she is also more mature than most. I wasn't in training any more so I could call whenever I wanted so she felt involved and included to a degree. The biggest thing was how much more mature I was though. It was still a lot of work and it was not easy, but long distance relationships do work....sometimes.
 
The world is full of people who have college regrets that they made a decision to attend a certain school or leave a school(Academy) in order to be closer to their significant other. To be successful, at least in the short term, you need to focus on your commission/post commission goals. Communicate that and hope for understanding. Also know that she should say the same thing to you and you need to be ok with it.
 
As a mom who would hate for my child to give up such an incredible opportunity at a Service Academy, I would advise to put your relationship on "hold" until you graduate (or at least until next summer when you have one year of college under your belt). What is the saying.... if you let something free and it is meant to be yours, it will return (or something like that). If she's worth the wait, she will wait.
 
Candidate3456 said:
So they start August 9th??? That's no Summer anymore haha. And then I'd basically come back for Christmas. Also, not doing USAFA does not mean I would still pursue an amazing career somewhere else. But yes, this was my goal and I'm just really doubtful about it now. If I could do pre med somewhere, maybe I do not need to do it USAFA.
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Are you a 2025 cadet? If so, you don't appear to have done your due diligence with respect to the USAFA time commitments. Not good. Either commit fully, or turn it down so someone else can go. Difficult choices. It is time to start adulting.
 
Congratulations on you appointment to USAFA!

First you need to take a deep breath, and take a day or so to really soak everything in....ALONE... and afterwards make an honest clear decision about what YOU want for YOUR life and future.

USAFA, or service in the Military is a life-long commitment, like a marriage. I-day you get married to the USAFA. You will be in a demanding relationship. You need to give your all; physically, mentally, emotionally.

You mentioned you wanted to study Pre-Med...my presumption is because you want to become a doctor....that is also a huge commitment.

It is time to "adult".....reach for the stars and make your dreams a reality.
 
Candidate3456 said:
It seems I'm heading towards the path of a cadet at USAFA for this year. Decisions are slowly being made. Another question: The academic year starts on August 8th and I get off BCT on the 1st. Am I able to leave the base between those dates?
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Slow and steady wins the race (at least it worked for the Tortoise). Not easy decisions I am sure, but I'm happy to hear you are working through them. I have no idea regarding your BCT date and leave question.
Even if I knew the answer, I would counsel you to write your plans in easily erasable pencil. Things continuously change and get rescheduled moving forward. The sooner you make peace with that, and your loved ones do, the less painful it is. At least that has been my experience with our DS at USNA. I wish you good luck.
 
Candidate3456 said:
Hello,
So I know the forums are for more serious posts, but I just wanted to know a few things about the restraints on long-distance relationships now that I am going to USAFA. Firstly, I am from New Jersey (yeah extremely far from Colordo) and my GF is staying in-state. So, I'm a little uninformed about this stuff but what kind of restrictions will there be at the academy that will limit my availability to her? For instance, how will BCT work? Specifically, what are my phone privileges at the Academy during BCT and during the year? My case has been a little odd. I was accepted to USAFA in march, then medically DQ in April, and I have successfully appealed and got waived yesterday. Nevertheless, we have been through a roller coaster together and we truly want to continue our relationship there. Additionally, I heard a lot of cadets only come home for two weeks after their first year at the Academy; is this true? Overall, it depends on us the chances we can work together through the years, not on other chances. I just want to know any past experiences people have had with restrictions and etcs. Please let me know. Thankyou.
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My son has a long distance relationship, he will be a junior. They have dated for a little over a year, she is in TN. (We also don't live near her). They make it work. They call and facetime and she had come to visit two times last year and he always goes there before coming home for breaks. It helps that her brother is at WP so she knows academy life (as does her family) There were times she came to COS and he ended up being restricted to base, these things happen, but you both need to be understanding about these types of changes. I know during BCT you can only call once time, during Doolie Day Out, but you can write letters. It's not easy, but remember academics come first, as does academy life. You are only there 4 years don't miss out on opportunities.
 
dah19 said:
It helps that her brother is at WP so she knows academy life (as does her family)
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This is key! I think the biggest challenge is when BF/GF attends civilian college and considers that freewheeling experience to be the norm. It is the norm — except at SAs. As they say at USNA: N*OT COLLEGE.

If BF/GF lives amid a world where young people can come and go as they please, take minimal course loads, concoct their own major, leave campus on Thursday night and stumble back hungover Friday morning, sleep in on Saturdays, don wrinkled loungewear to class, skip classes, keep lights on past midnight, sit anywhere they want in the dining hall — we could go on and on — then they’ll have a hard time understanding and empathizing with their mid/cadet BF/GF.

Not saying all civilian colleges and students are slackers. They’re not. But they’re nothing like SAs and cadets/mids, and if that’s your context, you’ll struggle with why BF/GF who’s a plebe doesn’t call you twice a day, doesn’t respond to texts right away, doesn’t come visit on weekends, etc. If you’ve ever had a cadet/mid abruptly end a phone call because they need to be somewhere and can’t be late — not once but several times — you know what I’m saying.
 
Have you talked with her about life after the academy? Consider chatting about where she would like to live. Be sure to mention Minot AFB and Grand Forks AFB. Consider talking about her opportunities. How willing is she to embrace a nomadic career? What will you do if you are not selected to attend medical school after USAFA? DS had a teacher who went to USAFA and tried to maintain his relationship with his GF but he couldn’t do it - so he left USAFA and went home to her. She broke up with him two weeks after his return.
 
If I was your mom I'd say be friends officially without any expectations. I'd be clear about the limits on your communication so her feelings aren't hurt.
 
More common than not. One of my company officers at USNA when I was on staff there, left USAFA as a sophomore to go to his GF’s college. She dumped him within a month. He buckled down, applied for the Navy NUPOC (nuclear power officer) program and the associated tuition grants, graduated, went to Navy OCS and onward to nuclear submarine officer. He often shared that story with mids at USNA, counseling them to wait, that true love for a partner meant encouraging them in their chosen path and figuring out how to manage the distance. He was happy with the path he had ended up on, but still kicked his young and immature self for walking away from USAFA for the reasons he did.
 
Learn to write letters, the handwritten-paper-snail mail-kind. Before email, before cell phones, this is how many fledgeling relationships grew and matured. Tell about your day, every day. Ask about her day, every day. It takes time and consideration. And it is part of you, and her.

This is how you keep contact, even when the electrons don't move.

The rest of the advice is good. You will keep living, so pursue your dream. Don't abandon your relationships though. Just know that they change. They can change for the better (or worse), but maturity often comes through adversity.
 
I'm a parent of a DD who is doing long distance. So far so good. It was tougher last year with covid so be happy those restrictions are not in place. GF came out with us on PW and then only saw DD at xmas. The tough part is limited time together. Small percentage actually make it the four years.
 
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