Please Don't Be That Parent

[JDB]

Forumjunkie, not sure anyone one here went to that extreme. Understand you are being sarcastic, or at least I think you are, but why take it to this level? I don't think anyone said to do this in vacuum as An Army of One. There will be many candidates who do. Other candidates will have parents check things over, remind them of deadlines, etc. The only few items I can remember my parents being involved in any of it was driving me to my dodmerb physical, MOC interview and drop stuff at the post office (before portals existed). They never filled out a documents for me, knew when things were due or made my calls. I can tell you that was the norm for my classmates. Some had parents who did help read essays, proof paperwork and reminded them of deadlines. I don't see anything wrong with these items. Sure we can have different opinions and stances on this stuff. My opinions might not be of others and that is fine. Everyone's families are different, I get that. I have voiced where I think the line is for a candidate (and when I say candidate I mean a current senior applying to USNA... not talking about recruitment or other items) and why. It's fine to disagree with that.

I think the idea that a candidate should "own" (can't think of a better term) the process of applying to an SA is valid for all the reasons mentioned; parents clearly should not "own" the process. The appropriate level of parental involvement probably needs to consider a lot of factors and is, I think, a personal decision between the parent and child.

My DD and DS both applied to USNA in the last few years (DD is USNA class of 2019, DS was not accepted and is at a SMC on ROTC scholarship). When DD applied, she did everything on her own. DW and I know almost nothing about the mechanics of the application process because we weren't involved, other than getting general updates from DD. We did drive her to appointments as necessary and sat in on a portion of the BGO interview. When DS came along his sister guided him somewhat with general suggestions having just gone through the process, but she was a Plebe with little free time. Again with DS, we were not involved much.

For us, parental involvement mainly consisted of "pumping the brakes" a bit to make sure USNA was what they really wanted since both were so gung ho about it. Not that we were against their chosen path, just that we wanted to make sure they were considering all available options and making a thoughtful decision about their future. Other parents may feel the need to get involved in other ways, based on their own circumstances. To me, stating that the candidate should own the process doesn't necessarily mean that any level of parental involvement is a terrible thing. In my opinion, being involved as a parent should not cross the line into taking on responsibility of owning the process.

Just my 2 cents to throw on the pile...

The above is well stated. No one is suggesting parents shouldn't be interested and involved -- but the kid/candidate needs to be the one driving the process.

For those candidates who are "too busy" as h.s. juniors/seniors to call their MOC office or email their RD . . . they are in for a rude awakening come I-Day. I guarantee their lives will be much, much busier at USNA than in h.s. And there will be LOTS of military requirements, both large and small, that they are expected to make happen despite their super-busy schedules as plebes. And mommy and daddy won't be there to help.

Parents, you can be a tremendous help to your kids as they navigate the SA process. You can provide advice on when to call and what to say, what to wear to interviews, help them with practice questions, proofread their essays, help them decide whether the military is right for them, etc. But learning to juggle a bunch of stuff and take responsibility for things is something that, if your kids learn to do it now, will only help them in a few months.

Bottom line: You never stop being their parent(s) but, if you really love them, start letting them "go" in terms of doing things on their own by themselves.

Ultimately, the test of too much or too little will be the junior officer's ability to solve problems on his or her own, advocate for themselves and forge their own way on their military path and in life. At some point, they have to start developing and practicing those skills in real world situations.

What we have here is diversity in parenting styles and level of involvement. As with most things, any style too far from a balanced center may have an adverse impact. For those candidates, appointees, mids and cadets who had too much (and the opinions on that are clearly infinite) parental hand-holding/support/involvement, they will either adjust, overcome, and rapidly grow that skill set, or they won't.

I rate this at half-price, .01 cents.

NavyHoops, Dadof2, unsa1985 and Capt MJ:

Thank you for the sage advice. Thank you for providing it without an arrogant and condescending tone. NavyHoops and Dadof2, I stand corrected on my statement that few candidates navigate this process without significant help their parents. Going forward, I will view my role in this process through a different prism. Since the day DS announced that he was interested in applying to USAFA, which has since broadened to all three service academies, he has driven the process, but I must say that I have pushed him on training for the CFA, studying for/taking the ACT, researching the academies, and of course maintaining his grades. However, the only phone call I have made was to his high school counselor, who had no information on or advice about the academies. This forum has been a gold mine of information about the process and we are thankful to have found it.

@ rjb and Brenmaron:

There is a lot of conflicting advice on this forum, as there is on any forum. Usually correct information gets provided through a back and forth discussion or a senior member provides a definitive answer... if there is one. There are some contributors, such as Christcorp, flieger83, Capt MJ, Pima, and Fencersmom to name of few, whose advice clearly deserves deference. Others on this forum, such as yourselves, will have your comments viewed with more discrimination. If your comments are arrogant, condescending, or too cute by half; they will not be effective in conveying your point.

That plus a buck and a half will get you a cup of coffee. I'm looking at you Otb. ;-)

P.S. Added NavyHoops to the list of contributors whose
comments deserve deference.

 

[NavyHoops]

School counselors that have zero clue about a SA or worse, one that doesn't support a student on this path can present unique challenges. Educating them is important. Students, Parents and even BGOs play a role in this. Good luck to your DS.

 

[Mere2033]

For those of you parents who feel the need to push there kids a little through the process, I have to say that my DD is extremely, over the top organized but she does require a push and a reminder ever now and then. She's 17! I remember worrying about what kind of gossip was going around school when I was that age. She has very little social life other then the activities she has to attend because she's student body President. Not to mention, she's also working on plan B,C and D. I am one of those parents that puts sticky notes on her side of the table just to give her a quick reminder to talk to her Basketball coach or schedule her appointment. My thought is she will learn what is involved to keep the ball rolling and when sh'e 30 years old, she will thank me for guiding her in the right direction.

 

[Brenmaron]

NavyHoops, Dadof2, unsa1985 and Capt MJ:

Thank you for the sage advice. Thank you for providing it without an arrogant and condescending tone. NavyHoops and Dadof2, I stand corrected on my statement that few candidates navigate this process without significant help their parents. Going forward, I will view my role in this process through a different prism. Since the day DS announced that he was interested in applying to USAFA, which has since broadened to all three service academies, he has driven the process, but I must say that I have pushed him on training for the CFA, studying for/taking the ACT, researching the academies, and of course maintaining his grades. However, the only phone call I have made was to his high school counselor, who had no information on or advice about the academies. This forum has been a gold mine of information about the process and we are thankful to have found it.

@ rjb and Brenmaron:

There is a lot of conflicting advice on this forum, as there is on any forum. Usually correct information gets provided through a back and forth discussion or a senior member provides a definitive answer... if there is one. There are some contributors, such as Christcorp, flieger83, Capt MJ, Pima, and Fencersmom to name of few, whose advice clearly deserves deference. Others on this forum, such as yourselves, will have your comments viewed with more discrimination. If your comments are arrogant, condescending, or too cute by half; they will not be effective in conveying your point.

That plus a buck and a half will get you a cup of coffee. I'm looking at you Otb. ;-)

P.S. Added NavyHoops to the list of contributors whose
comments deserve deference.

Well, I guess you done told me

But seriously, no one is saying not to support and advise your children through any and all of their endeavors. The original poster and others that followed have suggested that it may look badly on your candidate if the calls and e-mails are coming from the parent and not directly from the child. I happen to think this is valuable advice, but everyone is entitled to their opinion.

 

[AROTC-dad]

School counselors thad have zero clue about a SA or worse, one that doesn't support a student on this path can present unique challenges. Educating them is important. Students, Parents and even BGOs play a role in this. Good luck to your DS.

We were fortunate. DS's School counselor was an Army brat and very supportive of the SA's.

 

[nuensis]

Nuensis, I find it hard to believe that a Member of Congress would allow a staffer to arbitrarily flush an application for a phone call from a nominee's parent: someone who also happens to be a constituent. The MOC's view service academy nominations as a perk that they can bring home to constituents. Although the process is generally free of politics, the MOC's are politicians. They would not want a negative light shined on a process that would normally provide them a feel-good-story for their district. Worse, that staffer might trash a "no-brainer" file for the dubious infraction of a parent having the temerity of picking up the phone and calling his/her congressman's office. That staffer's action could easily be counter-productive to the desired outcome of finding the most qualified candidates for the MOC's slate. Certainly, there are parents who go overboard, but this staffer sounds like she rode the pendulum too far to the other side. Just my two cents.

This staffer got appointments for the district. Lots of them. That's all that mattered.

What does "qualified" mean when there's half a dozen kids with LOAs? What about the other kids without LOAs, are they done? I was one of at least four others who scored full points on at least one section on the SAT. I had an LOA and never even got a single call from either Senator. It was a very competitive district in a very competitive state.

You stack those candidates up, then you see the candidate that can't make his own phone calls. Who gets chosen?

It's a competitive process. Be competitive. Show drive and initiative. Show maturity beyond your years.

 

[AROTC-dad]

There is one definite item that parents should clearly be involved in and that is DoDMERB. A candidate is unlikely to know details about a hospitalization from age 7 with dates and terminology. The candidate should fill it out but absolutely have guidance from a parent to truthfully answer the questions....no more and no less.

 

[VelveteenR]

Velveteen, do you consider things like parent's weekend, athletic contests, ring weekend, graduation, local game watches, fundraisers for AOG, tailgaters, letter writing get togethers, presentations to parents by grads about post academy life, etc, etc, etc to be participating in your cadet's military life?

I don't consider those things at all, but none of those things reflect my issue with some of the parents in our local club. I draw the line at parents who think it's OK to complete assignments given to their cadets by higher.

 

[LineInTheSand]

Sit in the passengers seat. Let your kid do the driving through the process..... it's his/her road trip.

 

[LineInTheSand]

Sit in the passengers seat. Be there to keep them awake, share advice/stories, help with directions when needed, and give support.

Let your kid do the driving through the process..... it's his/her road trip.

 

[truenorth]

Sit in the passengers seat. Be there to keep them awake, share advice/stories, help with directions when needed, and give support.

Let your kid do the driving through the process..... it's his/her road trip.

LineInTheSand: you have my vote for best reply in this thread.

 

[JDB]

Sit in the passengers seat. Be there to keep them awake, share advice/stories, help with directions when needed, and give support.

Let your kid do the driving through the process..... it's his/her road trip.

LineInTheSand:
Great analogy!

 

[maxd950729]

I have a question. When I told my mom I received a nomination from my senator she decided to call USNA, without telling me, asking questions about my chances. I found out she did it after the call. Not sure why as I have told her all the info about the application process multiple times. Will admissions put a negative note in my application even though I didn't even ask my mom to call. I talk to my admissions counselor weekly on the phone about my application but I don't want one phone call from my mom to hurt my chances.

 

[Milly]

NO!!! It will not hurt you that your mom called admissions. THIS is the downside of these threads in which some posters make statements to the contrary without any evidence whatsoever. You are good. Congratulations on the nomination. That is VERY exciting!

 

[USMCGrunt]

Max: focus on what you can control, not what you can't.

 

[SCMids]

I'd rather be "that parent" who is a loving but likely flawed human who makes mistakes from time to time, than the parent who sits listening, judging, aghast at the imperfections of others.

Wrong. She isn't judging. This is outstanding advice. Very few at any level in this process want to hear from parents. This can hurt a candidate.

 

[SCMids]

NO!!! It will not hurt you that your mom called admissions. THIS is the downside of these threads in which some posters make statements to the contrary without any evidence whatsoever. You are good. Congratulations on the nomination. That is VERY exciting!

Without evidence? I'll start with the admissions official who told me in no uncertain terms that they don't like it.

 

[Padre101]

I have a question. When I told my mom I received a nomination from my senator she decided to call USNA, without telling me, asking questions about my chances. I found out she did it after the call. Not sure why as I have told her all the info about the application process multiple times. Will admissions put a negative note in my application even though I didn't even ask my mom to call. I talk to my admissions counselor weekly on the phone about my application but I don't want one phone call from my mom to hurt my chances.

Max, I just PMed you with some advice. -Padre

 

[Padre101]

NO!!! It will not hurt you that your mom called admissions. THIS is the downside of these threads in which some posters make statements to the contrary without any evidence whatsoever. You are good. Congratulations on the nomination. That is VERY exciting!

The precise purpose of this thread is to prevent situations like this in the FIRST PLACE.

 

[Sledge]

Rocks...packs of dogs...yelping