Problems with (extremely) worried parent

U

USMAcandidate839

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2018
Messages
21
West Point has been my dream since I entered high school and something I have worked towards for the past four years. I have done every thing possible to increase my chances of admission and would not trade an appointment for anything. Any other college or university in the world could offer me a full scholarship and I’d easily turn them down for the opportunity to attend the Academy.
I’ve recently received a nomination from my Congressman and if admitted will, without a doubt, choose USMA.
That being said, my mother is EXTREMELY opposed to me doing anything associated with the army, and not without good reason. My grandfather was wounded twice during the Normandy invasion, a cousin of mine was killed in Korea, another cousin came under fire while serving in Afghanistan, and my brother in law was wounded in Iraq and is dealing with a minor form of PTSD from the experience.
To put this in perspective, she has told me she is “ashamed,” wished “she never had a son” if she knew “this is what he was going to do with his life,” and that she would not attend RDay and may even refuse to visit me while in the Academy.

She is a great mother, but my desire to serve in the military is worrying her to death. I do not think she truly means much of what she says.

Any suggestions to make my choice easier for her?
Thanks
 
She is desperately trying to convince you to make a different decision. My wife feels very similarly about our DS who commissions next May as a Army officer (armor). It appears that your mom's tactics are working otherwise you would not be posting here. It also shows you care about her feelings. Nothing wrong with that.

What really works is that you continue to pursue what you want most in your life and make it clear that you love her but nothing she does or says is going to change your mind. Be prepared to not be spoken to for a while, but ultimately she may come around. If you are not pursuing combat arms, you could reassure her by telling her this. If you are going to pursue combat arms.....well, it will be not received well.

Good luck and thank you for wanting to serve.
 
Last edited:
Talk to your mom, and do it over and over again if she turns down talking about it. Also, talk to your dad, siblings, and family friends and try to get them to lightly pressure her. Tell her not just about why you want to serve, but why you want to go to West Point. While it may seem shallow and it's the exact opposite of what people will tell you should be your main reason to go to a Service Academy, tell her about the fact that WP is basically free, and all the cost she many have are a 1/10 of a percent of what she'd rack up sending you to a normal college. Tell her about the life long bonds you will make. Tell her that you will have a 99% guaranteed job after graduation. Tell her about the prestige and honor of West Point. Tell her about how employers love to hire WP grads. Show her pictures of the campus, and of the uniforms worn by cadets. And make sure that she knows that you don't have to be on the frontlines. Do you like computers? Tell her you could get a 6 figure job in Army cyber and only be stationed in Georgia (Army cyber HQ), or another place in the US. Go onto the Army's officer careers page. Find a few careers you'd like to pursue, and show them to her! She will probably remain anti-you-going-into-danger, but hopefully she'll understand that you won't have to be on the front lines. If possible, have her talk to other West Point cadet/graduate's parents, or the cadet/grad themselves. Good luck, and Beat Army ;-).
 
As I mom I can understand her concern, but I am sure she is not ashamed of you or would she ever disown you. You need to do what YOU want to do with your life. You would truly regret it if she shames you into choosing a path that she wants for you rather than the path you have chosen for yourself. Who knows, maybe you go to West Point and it might not be the path for you, but how do you know unless you try?
 
With all due respect to @FutureMarine07, Mom isn't going to give a hoot about the prestige of an Academy education, future employment possibilities, or what your future income will be. This is not a rational issue, but an emotional one. Reason will not work. While all the things mentioned are true, Mom just wants you to be whole and out of danger. We know that's not always possible in the military, but you need to pursue your dream and hope that things work out with Mom. I expect they will, and sooner rather than later. Hopefully she'll notice positive changes in you, and also the things you do, that will turn her around.

@USMAcandidate839 Not the same as your situation but DS's Mom did not want him in the Marine Corp AT ALL! They argued for weeks in the spring of his junior year in high school and she would not allow him to enlist (which was his plan at the time). In private I kept reminding Mom he would be 18 when he graduated and that he didn't need her permission. She finally came around, insisted on college first, and steered him towards NROTC. She's the proudest Mom in the world today. DS was just home for the first Christmas in 3 years and when it came time to leave at the airport things went well, until DS shouted across the room and through the crowd, when about to go through the security scanners, "I love you, Mom!". That's when the waterworks began. Have no doubt that your mother loves you and will ultimately support you, but it may take quite some time.

So if you are offered an appointment, I would simply tell Mom very gently, but firmly, that you are doing this and you hope that at some point she can support your decision. Re-iterate you're doing this. Did I say gently but firmly? Practice it, at least in your head.
 
Last edited:
You are lucky to have a mother that loves you. She doesn’t mean what she said.

Her words are her fear of losing her baby. And as
you point out, her fear is justified in her mind based on your family’s history.

God bless you for wanting to serve your country and working towards that goal.

God bless your mother for having a son like you.

I am sure it will all work out. Understand her feelings. Don’t trivialize them. And always show her love as you navigate this puzzle.
 
AROTC-dad said:
She is desperately trying to convince you to make a different decision. My wife feels very similarly about our DS who commissions next May as a Army officer (armor). It appears that your mom's tactics are working otherwise you would not be posting here. It also shows you care about her feelings. Nothing wrong with that.

What really works is that you continue to pursue what you want most in your life and make it clear that you love her but nothing she does or says is going to change her mind. Be prepared to not be spoken to for a while, but ultimately she may come around. If you are not pursuing combat arms, you could reassure her by telling her this. If you are going to pursue combat arms.....well, it will be not received well.

Good luck and thank you for wanting to serve.
Click to expand...
kinnem said:
With all due respect to @FutureMarine07, Mom isn't going to give a hoot about the prestige of an Academy education, future employment possibilities, or what your future income will be. This is not a rational issue, but an emotional one. Reason will not work. While all the things mentioned are true, Mom just wants you to be whole and out of danger. We know that's not always possible in the military, but you need to pursue your dream and hope that things work out with Mom. I expect they will, and sooner rather than later. Hopefully she'll notice positive changes in you, and also the things you do, that will turn her around.

@USMAcandidate839 Not the same as your situation but DS's Mom did not want him in the Marine Corp AT ALL! They argued for weeks in the spring of his junior year in high school and she would not allow him to enlist (which was his plan at the time). In private I kept reminding Mom he would be 18 when he graduated and that he didn't need her permission. She finally came around, insisted on college first, and steered him towards NROTC. She's the proudest Mom in the world today. DS was just home for the first Christmas in 3 years and when it came time to leave at the airport things went well, until DS shouted across the room and through the crowd, when about to go through the security scanners, "I love you, Mom!". That's when the waterworks began. Have no doubt that your mother loves you and will ultimately support you, but it may take quite some time.

So if you are offered an appointment, I would simply tell Mom very gently, but firmly, that you are doing this and you hope that at some point she can support your decision. Re-iterate you're doing this. Did I say gently but firmly? Practice it, at least in your head.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice and sharing your experience, I’ll definitely take it to heart. Hopefully it all works out well in the end
 
We love our son and wish he were anywhere but the military, but here's the thing: Will you be 18 by the time appointments come out? If so, the decision is solely yours, and you do not need to be concerned one whit what your parents think. Our son had much better college options and potential outcomes than the military, but he made his choice and is happy with it. Our judgement ends there. I can assure you that your parents will love you through this decision, but they are not part of it. There is nothing you can do or say to make the decision easier on your mom, and you should not be trying to find a way or losing sleep over it. Do what is right for YOU; you will never lose your parent's love. Their approval and support is irrelevant.
 
VelveteenR said:
We love our son and wish he were anywhere but the military, but here's the thing: Will you be 18 by the time appointments come out? If so, the decision is solely yours, and you do not need to be concerned one whit what your parents think. Our son had much better college options and potential outcomes than the military, but he made his choice and is happy with it. Our judgement ends there. I can assure you that your parents will love you through this decision, but they are not part of it. There is nothing you can do or say to make the decision easier on your mom, and you should not be trying to find a way or losing sleep over it. Do what is right for YOU; you will never lose your parent's love. Their approval and support is irrelevant.
Click to expand...
I am currently 18. Thank you for the advice, I will definitely take it to heart.
 
My son is currently at West Point. We are not from a military family. When he decided his sophomore year that he was going to pursue admission his Dad and I were stunned and extremely nervous. Now that he is there we are “all in”. I take heart knowing that he will spend 4 years learning how to be a member of the military and being trained by the best personnel there is to offer. In my mind, given today’s current college climate, there is no safer place for him to be over the next 4 years. He will be prepared when he leaves, yet I know the worry will start again once he graduates. Good luck to you and know in your heart that your Mom’s reaction right now is all driven by her love for you and fear of the unknown.
 
She's your Mom and you are her son. When she looks at you, you're still six years old. She is not ashamed of you, not matter what she has said in the past.
It is your life. Taking charge of it is what you're supposed to do. At some point, she will understand. She may never be happy about it, but she'll understand.
 
OP, you are getting some good insight here.

You’re at the stage of your life where the possibilities seem endless and wonderful and away from home. You’re looking outward with excitement. She’s seeing an empty room, an empty bed, an empty chair at the table, a home without your voice. She is already missing you, and that is laced with fear, because it’s not a cozily decorated college dorm room she is seeing, but a full-on, real-life military environment Where Bad Things Can Happen. That nameless imagined void is feeding her fear. Quite normal.

Be kind to her. When she says the negative things, simply respond “I hear you, Mom, and I am sorry you feel that way. If you choose to do X, that will make me sad. I love you.” Rinse and repeat as necessary. Hold your boundaries and opinions while respecting hers.

It is not your fault she is having these feelings and saying these things. She has invested enormous amounts of love and time in you, and all she can see is a gaping hole. She is grieving, in a way, the loss of her child and the way things have been for 18 years. All you can do is reassure her you love her.

Be the perfect kid as a gift to her while you are still in the nest. Take it day by day, but if this is what you feel called to do, keep going.

I know my parents were anxious and worried about me when I went to OCS and then to Spain for duty. This was before email, texts and FaceTime, and in a period where the military was only about 3% women. I was excited, happy and could not wait to launch. As I look back, my mom in particular put on a brave show but said she knew this was what I wanted. I probably could have been more understanding, but that’s hindsight now.

Your mom raised you, so her influence is there in your choice of wanting to serve and hold yourself to a higher standard.

If she asks about certain aspects of your chosen path, respond with facts and offers to look at a web page together.

If you obtain your appointment, if there is a nearby Parents Club, she will be welcomed and supported by a group of people who 100% understand this situation.

Throughout your life, you too will seek to protect and shelter those whom you love. When my mom asked me if I was anywhere near the impact site on 9/11 in the Pentagon, I said “no.” That was not true, but after the fact, with me surviving and ok ( I made sure she didn’t get to see the scratches and dents), there was no need to create pictures in her mind. Sometimes, you get to be the adult around your parents.
 
Last edited:
Three pieces of advice:
  1. It is your life and career. Seek advice, but make your own decisions.
  2. If appointed, you have two years before you have to commit to commissioning as an officer.
  3. Know what you are getting into. Understand that currently about 80% of the class will serve in combat arms (Infantry, Armor, Field Artillery, Combat Engineers). If those fields interest you, there is no better place to be than West Point.
 
If you do end up at WP, know that there are many resources that may help your mom deal with her concerns and we can fill you in on those if you would like. Also, there will be other new cadets who are in the same situation as you - alone at WP without parental support. It's unfortunate, but not a terribly unique situation. There will be lots of sources of support for you at WP should you want it.

Good luck!!
 
Good points above! We have sponsored USNA mids for many years, and have had a few who were not supported from home. We folded them into our family, and roommates/teammates/company mates took care of them too, at holidays or major events.
 
My father was offered appointment to USMA a long time ago and my grandmother said the same things to him and he rejected the offer. He tells me to this day he regrets not going and has been nothing but supportive of my drive to attend. That being said my grandmother now says that she wishes she let him go and did not make him turn down the offer. Hindsight is 20/20 . If this is your dream follow it. This is your life it's what you make of it and nothing more. This is no longer a time to make your parents happy but to focus on what you want to do with your life or you will always regret it. She will come to terms and will be more than happy to visit you all this is from her is more likely fear not actual disapproval. She will get over it in time and realize that you gotta ng was much better than keeping you. Don't worry about her it's hard not having parents support but leans on those who do support you. It's your life not hers live it how you want and you'll get everything you desire out of it.
 
orbornmom said:
My son is currently at West Point. We are not from a military family. When he decided his sophomore year that he was going to pursue admission his Dad and I were stunned and extremely nervous. Now that he is there we are “all in”. I take heart knowing that he will spend 4 years learning how to be a member of the military and being trained by the best personnel there is to offer. In my mind, given today’s current college climate, there is no safer place for him to be over the next 4 years. He will be prepared when he leaves, yet I know the worry will start again once he graduates. Good luck to you and know in your heart that your Mom’s reaction right now is all driven by her love for you and fear of the unknown.
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing your experience, I’m hoping my situation turns out similarly. Is it typical of West Point parents to become more comfortable with the Academy after a year or two?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top