Should I include my want to fly after graduation in my essay?

[scottiebar]

Hi, this thread is being created after I made a lot of changes from my original post. I now believe that my answer to "Why do you want to attend a Service Academy?" is much stronger, thanks to the great feedback that people left me.

I ultimately ended up taking out the fact that I want to fly for the Navy upon graduation as an officer. Should I still try and include that piece of information or is it fine to be left out? When I find myself in an interview setting, I will likely be asked the "What comes after?" question, so now I am not so sure if it should be included in my statement. I will paste the newly formatted statement below, feedback is greatly appreciated!


I want to attend the U.S. Naval Academy because I want to serve my country as an officer in the armed forces. Every summer my father takes me up to his hometown in Massachusetts, and each time we go we manage to visit Battleship Cove. Exploring retired Naval craft every summer while being raising by a history-loving father quickly developed my love for our nation. I admire our country, its people, and its culture, and I want to fight to protect it.

It would be a great honor to become an officer in the Navy. Growing up walking the decks of Battleship USS Massachusetts while learning of the rich history surrounding the Navy has left no doubt in my mind that it is the right branch for me. Officers make up some of the most educated and specially trained military leaders in the Navy, they are the detail-oriented individuals who are respected and looked up to. I want to be an officer because I believe it will best allow me to serve my country to the fullest, I want to be put on missions that push my body to the limit, where I know that all my time spent training has paid off. The U.S. Naval Academy provides an exceptional opportunity for me to accomplish these goals and one day serve my country.

 

[THParent]

"I want to be put on missions" sounds a little "movie" to me. Maybe just "I want to be challenged..."? Just a thought there.

I am a Pilot. I haven't flown in many years, but I'm still a Pilot. You can tell, because I capitalize the "P", like the "M" in Marine.
If flying gets your blood going, go ahead and put it in there. Flying is a passion for most people who do it.
I would suggest that you keep an open mind about what you will do and where you will land in The Navy, however.
Naval Aviation is a much smaller cross-section of The Navy, there are additional requirements involved and you will have so much time invested, that you need to think of it as a 20-year career.

 

[scottiebar]

"I want to be put on missions" sounds a little "movie" to me. Maybe just "I want to be challenged..."? Just a thought there.

I am a Pilot. I haven't flown in many years, but I'm still a Pilot. You can tell, because I capitalize the "P", like the "M" in Marine.
If flying gets your blood going, go ahead and put it in there. Flying is a passion for most people who do it.
I would suggest that you keep an open mind about what you will do and where you will land in The Navy, however.
Naval Aviation is a much smaller cross-section of The Navy, there are additional requirements involved and you will have so much time invested, that you need to think of it as a 20-year career.

I understand the commitment involved with becoming a pilot and currently a student pilot, about 40 hours in my logbook. Thank you for the feedback, I’ll try to smoothly incorporate my passiok into my statement, I want to deliver an honest letter to whoever reads it.

 

[VelveteenR]

Keep the first sentence and the last two. Chuck the rest. And that second-to the-last sentence would read better as, “I want to push myself to the limit.”

Just my .02.