Would anybody like to proofread my ¨Why I want to attend an academy¨ nomination essay?

Discussion in 'Air Force Academy - USAFA' started by PaulieWallie, Dec 18, 2017.

  1. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    I´m very sure this has many punctuation mistakes, and sentences that sound weird that need to be rewritten. I have not taken it to my English teacher yet, and I plan on doing so soon. I wanted to get some feed back on some content that does not necessarily need to be put in. Is this a good format, for the paragraphs that are written?


    The career inspiration that sparked my interest in the Air Force was an pilot. At the age of seven I got the inspiration from my dad being an flight attendant. I got to sit in the cockpit, that there, is when I wanted to become an pilot. The second inspiring came when I got to steer a aircraft twice, for my Aviation merit badge in Boy Scouts. It was my first merit badge. The second time, the pilot said I was an natural. That motivated me to become an pilot even more. The period that transferred me from just being a pilot, to serving in the Air force as a pilot, came from my relatives. My uncle is an Air Force pilot, My cousin, graduated first in his class at the Air Force Academy, and my grandpa was all pilots, and served for our country.


    The skills I have now already make me beyond most. I am an Eagle Scout, with outstanding leadership skills. I am in Order of the Arrow, NHS of Boy Scouts. I was a team captain of my high school swim team. School record holder, and state swimmer in three events. I am a manager for my girl’s swim team for four years. Developing even more leadership, and coaching skills. Junior coach for my summer league team. I also play tennis for my high school team. I am a venturing scout with high adventure skills and leadership. I can use all of these skills I have in the academy, and service. I am very proud of myself, and the organizations I am committed to. I am very grateful to have got those opportunities that will help me all full-out life. I developed myself as a strong character, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.


    I want to serve my country just like any other military officer. A inspiration to the future generations. I want a path that will be more challenging than the challenging path I have right now. I want a career that will be a leader in the service of our country. I want to attend to fulfill my dream of becoming an pilot in the Air Force. This path, is not the easiest, but I’m ready for something that will challenge me more, to prepare me the best for the service. This will make sure I will not be unmotivated, it will test my physical, mental, motivation to pursue this path.
     
  2. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    Thank you very much to anyone that helps! Very appreciated!
    Thanks -Paul Mills
     
  3. THParent

    THParent Member

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    You most certainly need to get your English teacher's help on this.

    If you happen to be fluent in a language other than English, that is a good thing.
    If that is the case, make sure that you mention it in your essay.

    Also you may consider editing your name out of your post.
    Good luck!
     
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  4. CAPCadet294

    CAPCadet294 Member

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    When you first introduce an organization make sure you put a full name first, then in parentheses the abbreviation of the organization.
    For example, "Civil Air Patrol (CAP)" or "National Honors Society (NHS)" Definitely get any English teacher's help on your essay. Content is important but also how you express the content (mechanics, usage, punctuation, etc). Be careful of limiting words such as "all", "Everyone", and be careful about fragments. Fragments really sneak in if you are not careful,
    For example,
    "At USAFA I can"

    A second pair of eyes going over your essay will really help you catch grammatical mistakes and really aid you in polishing your essay.

    A few extra points to consider:
    1. Make sure the Essay focuses on the prompt question.
    2. Make sure you do not have too few or too many words.
    3. Write the essay a word processor (such as Microsoft Word), perfect your essay in the program, this way you can find errors with SpellCheck and it will be easier to see the essay as a whole.
    4. Beware of Pronouns such as "that" and "you".

    Hope this helps. Good luck!
     
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  5. WestCoast22

    WestCoast22 Member

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    Here are some observations (disclaimer: this is my opinion only from a writing perspective and as an objective reader. Please defer to others on this forum as to content and as to what the service academies are seeking in a candidate):

    The first paragraph addresses your career goal, and the second paragraph seems non-responsive to the question because you did not tie your accomplishments to what led to your desire to attend a service academy. It was not until your final paragraph that you start to really explain your motivation. When you say, "I want a path that will be more challenging than the challenging path I have right now," that you want to be an "inspiration to the future generations" and you are ready for something that will challenge you more, this is fantastic but explain WHY. Do some self-reflection, and explain why you want these things, and why you think a service academy will be a match for your goals.

    Avoid contractions in essays (e.g., your very first word, "I'm").

    Speak in the active, not passive, voice. For example, consider changing "The career inspiration that sparked my interest in the Air Force was an pilot" to something like "My desire to become a pilot is what sparked my interest in the Air Force."

    Write from your heart. Do not try to sell yourself. Your application should do that. Your willingness and desire to serve is admirable and you should be proud of yourself.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
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  6. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    Thank you so much that helped a lot. I will go over and fix those easy mistakes.
     
  7. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    Thank you. I very well appreciate the feedback. I will go over it again, then bring it to my English teacher tomorrow.
     
  8. parentalunit2

    parentalunit2 5-Year Member

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    Respectfully disagree on this. In a sea of applications that will be frighteningly similar (GPA, stats, leadership, sports, etc.) the essay is your only chance to differentiate yourself from the pack.
     
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  9. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    Here is a click revision from the suggestions you mentioned. I will try to work on it more, and bring it to my English teacher tomorrow. Is there anything else I missed that was mentioned for corrections above?


    My desire to become a pilot is what sparked my interest in the Air Force. At the age of seven I got the inspiration from my dad being an flight attendant. I got to sit in the cockpit, that is when I wanted to become an pilot. The second inspiring came when I got to steer two aircrafts, for my aviation merit badge in Boy Scouts. It was my first merit badge. The second time, the pilot said I was an natural. That motivated me to become an pilot even more. The period that transferred me from just being a pilot, to serving in the Air Force as a pilot, came from my relatives. My uncle is an Air Force pilot, My cousin, graduated first in his class at the Air Force Academy, and my grandpa was a pilot. They have served for our country.


    I have developed many skills and accomplishments over the years. I am an Eagle Scout, with outstanding leadership skills. I am in the Order of the Arrow (OA), National Honor Society (NHS) of Boy Scouts. I was a team captain of my high school swim team. School record holder, and state swimmer in three events. I am a manager for my girl’s swim team for four years. Developing even more leadership, and coaching skills. Junior coach for my summer league team. I also play tennis for my high school team. I am a venturing scout with high adventure skills and leadership. I can use all of these skills I have in the academy, and the service. I can use these skills, because I will have more experience in the areas of leadership, loyalty, planning, and self-interest goals skills. I am very proud of myself, and the organizations I am committed to. I am very grateful to have got those opportunities that will help me full-out life. I developed myself as a strong character, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.


    I want to serve my country just like any other military officer. A inspiration to the future generations. I want a path that will be more challenging than the challenging path I have right now. I want a career that will be a leader in the service of our country. I want to attend to fulfill my dream of becoming an pilot in the Air Force. This path, is not the easiest, but I’m ready for something that will challenge me more. I have been challenge a lot with the amazing organizations I been part of. I was challenged, because I had to work harder, motivate myself, and get the job done, to earn each of my accomplishments. This challenge me to push my mental, and physical limits. This is the best path to prepare myself for the service. This will make sure I will not be unmotivated, it will test my physical, mental, motivation to pursue this path.
     
  10. Pima

    Pima 10-Year Member

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    Not trying to be too negative, but expect a lot of red markups from your teacher. Sorry, but grammatically you are all over the place.

    If English is your second language I would have found somewhere to place that in your essay. If not, than you really need to pay attention to the markups that your teacher will make on your essay. Although USAFA is known as the "Little Engineering School in the Rockies", you will definitely be writing many essays during your 4 yrs in CSprings.

    My best advice to you and any candidate submitting an essay is simple. USAFA and your MoCs will read hundreds of essays. Make yours stand out for the right reasons.

    If I was to be brutally honest, yours did stand out, but for the wrong reasons. I got caught up in the errors and not the substance.
    I.E.
    Look at the sentence structure, such as "an" instead of "a", who is the school record holder or developing leadership. I understand it is implied, but it does not flow. I would also add one more that just felt wrong when reading it in my personal opinion.
    I would think it might be better to replace MY with THE in that sentence. In your sentence structure it sounds a little possessive, as if the team is yours. Change it to my high school's girls' swim team and it has a different feel.

    Those are just the blaring ones to me. I started looking for grammatical errors very soon into your essay because I saw them within the first sentences, thus the content became secondary. Again, no offense to you, your accomplishments or your desire to serve, but it is important to realize that the majority of these essays will be like yours in content. The way to distinguish yourself from the pack will be the essay, it is there where it comes down to the finesse or finer points.

    Good luck.
     
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  11. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    Wow, I did not notice those before. I see exactly what your saying. The second I reread the sentences, before you put the corrections, I instantly replaced the words you suggested in those spots. Thank you, I now understand, and will fix them.

    Only problem is my English teacher will not be able to correct it until tomorrow. I have to turn this in today.
     
  12. AROTC-dad

    AROTC-dad Moderator 5-Year Member

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    It is pretty unusual for a MOC to have such a late essay deadline. May I ask what year you are applying for?
     
  13. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    2018. An special opportunity came up, they extended my time, to be able to get everything completed in time. Since, I started later in the process. This is a special circumstance. I´m trying to jump on this chance.
     
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  14. Pima

    Pima 10-Year Member

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    May I ask are you a recruited athlete? You are late in the game and you are saying it is special circumstances.
     
  15. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    This will most likely be my final revision. Since I have to leave early in about 2 hours. Unless some appreciated person finds something before then. This is what I did, and corrected, after really sitting down, and thinking it through. This has no corrections from an English teacher. I hope this is good enough.


    My desire to become a pilot is what sparked my interest in the Air Force. One of the major influences that inspired myself, was when I was seven years old, my dad was an flight attendant. I remember the first spark was the time when I got to sit in an cockpit. The second spark came when I got to steer two aircraft, for my aviation merit badge in Boy Scouts. It was my first merit badge. The second time I flew the aircraft, the pilot said, ¨I was an natural¨. Thus, motivating me to become an pilot. One of the major influences that transferred me from an pilot, to serving in the service, came from my relatives. My uncle and cousin are in active duty, as pilots, in the Air Force. My cousin also graduated first in his class at the Air Force Academy. My grandpa also was an Air Force pilot. Thus, I want to challenge myself to follow the paths of them.


    Since knowing the career I wanted at seven years old, I have got involved in activities that would prepare myself to be ready for the service. I have developed many skills and accomplishments over the years. First off, I am an Eagle Scout, with outstanding leadership skills. Second, I am in the Order of the Arrow (OA) which is the, National Honor Society (NHS) of Boy Scouts. In addition of scouting, I am a Venturing scout with high adventure leadership skills. Others things I have been involved with is swimming. I was an team captain of my high school swim team. I qualified in three events for the state championship and I currently hold an school record. I also play tennis for my high school. In addition of participating in sports, I have been coaching for swimming. I have been the manager of my high school girls´ swim team, for four years. In addition, of being an manager, I was an junior coach for my summer league swim team. Furthermore, increasing my leadership skills from coaching. I will be using my communication skills of teaching, guiding, demonstrating and leading skills to improve the communication skills in the academy, and service. Since, I have developed these skills, they will be very useful in the academy and service. My experience in the areas of leadership, loyalty, planning, and self-interest goals skills, will show the commitment I will have in the academy and service. I am very proud of myself, and the organizations I am committed to. I am very grateful to have these opportunities that will help me full-out life. I developed myself as a strong character, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.


    The willingness to serve my country just like any other military officer. I want to a inspiration to the future generations. I want a path that will be more challenging than the challenging path I have right now. I want a career that will be a leader in the service of our country. I want to attend to fulfill my dream of becoming an pilot in the Air Force. It is certainly not an easy path, as it can be very challenging to be motivated, mentally and physically in the service. However, i'm ready for the challenge. I have been challenge a lot with the amazing organizations I am part of. I was challenged, because I had to work harder, motivate myself, and get the job done, to earn each of my accomplishments. Furthermore, this challenge me to push my mental, and physical limits. The academy is the best path to prepare myself for the service. Overall, It will test my physical, mental, motivation to pursue this challenging path.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2017
  16. WestCoast22

    WestCoast22 Member

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    So so much better, really, but still typos and grammatical mistakes to correct, hopefully most of which I have corrected below. I am impressed by your hard work on this, the dedication to try to improve it, and the wisdom to reach out for help. Good for you! Keep up the hard work and striving for what you want. Good luck!

    My desire to become a pilot is what sparked my interest in the Air Force. One of the major things that inspired me was when I was seven years old, my dad was an flight attendant. The first spark to become an pilot came when I got to sit in a cockpit. The second inspiring came when I got to steer two aircraft for my aviation merit badge in Boy Scouts. It was my first merit badge. The second time I flew the aircraft, the pilot said, ¨I was a natural.¨ Thus, this motivated me to become a pilot. My relatives also inspired me to serve in the military. My uncle and cousin are in active duty as pilots in the Air Force. My cousin also graduated first in his class at the Air Force Academy. My grandpa was also an Air Force pilot. Thus, I want to challenge myself to follow their paths.

    Since knowing the career I wanted at seven years old, I have become involved in activities that would prepare me to be ready for the service. I have developed many skills and accomplishments over the years. First, I am an Eagle Scout with outstanding leadership skills. Second, I am in the Order of the Arrow (OA) which is the National Honor Society (NHS) of Boy Scouts. In addition to scouting, I am a Venturing scout with high adventure leadership skills. I am also very involved in swimming. I was a team captain of my high school swim team. I qualified in three events for the state championship and I currently hold a school record. I also play tennis for my high school. In addition of participating in sports, I coach swimming. I have been the manager of my high school girls' swim team for four years. In addition to being a manager, I was a junior coach for my summer league swim team. Furthermore, increasing my leadership skills from coaching, I will use my communication skills of teaching, guiding, demonstrating and leading to improve the communication skills in the academy and service. Since I have developed these skills, they will be very useful in the academy and service. My experience in the areas of leadership, loyalty, planning, and self-interest goals skills will show the commitment I will have in the academy and service. I am very proud of myself, and the organizations I am committed to. I am very grateful to have these opportunities that will help me throughout life. I developed myself as a strong character to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

    I am willing to serve my country just like any other military officer. I want to inspire future generations. I want a path that will be more challenging than the challenging path I have right now. I want a career as a leader in the service of our country. I want to attend to fulfill my dream of becoming a pilot in the Air Force. It is certainly not an easy path, as it can be very challenging to be motivated, both mentally and physically in the service. However, I am ready for the challenge. I have been challenged a lot with the amazing organizations I am part of. I was challenged because I had to work harder, motivate myself, and get the job done, to earn each of my accomplishments. Furthermore, this challenged me to push my mental and physical limits. The academy is the best path to prepare me for service. Overall, It will test my physical, mental, motivation to pursue this challenging path.
     
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  17. PaulieWallie

    PaulieWallie New Member

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    Thank you so much! I love how when I was reading yours, I knew exactly were the mistakes were made from my original. I saw it looked different in those places. Such as, full-out = throughout
    Thank you, everyone so much for helping. It is much better than the original post. Thank you.
     
  18. knights3

    knights3 New Member

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    Grammarly
     
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  19. CAPCadet294

    CAPCadet294 Member

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    Yes, grammar must definitely be improved. Also try to focus on what you have done to pursue your goal of flight. The Academy loves to hear that you have dreams in aviation but they want to see how much you really want it. For example, did you attend air shows annually or go flying with pilots around the area? You earned a merit badge for the Boy Scouts but it goes much deeper than that. Also keep in mind the Air Force is just not about flying, but about leading PEOPLE and accomplishing the mission handed down from leadership. It is not the weaponry or technology that makes the U.S. Air Force the best in the world. The weapons and the tech are great, they help Airmen complete the mission. It is the people who make the Air Force great. They are the ones who use the weapons and the tech to do great deeds and innovate to help build the Air Force for future generations.
     
  20. VelveteenR

    VelveteenR Just gathering dust in the nursery...

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    And it's "girls swim team," adjective not possessive.
     
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