Congressional Nomination Essay: Why do you wish to attend a service academy?

[anonymous_782]

Here is what I wrote (I am open to any criticisms or advice. Tell me what you think):

I wish to attend a service academy as an opportunity to serve my country as an army officer to the best of my ability. Joining the military has long been a goal of mine, and I aspire to join a service academy in particular because of the challenges it presents. I enjoy the challenges that are brought upon me, and the atmosphere within an academy creates an environment of vulnerability in which I can recognize my weaknesses and build upon them. It is this military atmosphere only provided at service academies that I wish to incorporate into my daily life as a cadet.


Leadership is a principle taught at service academies that I wish to improve upon, and the level at which it is taught is on a whole other level. The ability to make informed decisions under high stress with others counting on you is commonplace at service academies, and although it sounds daunting to me right now, I find this one of my goals that I wish to develop under the assistance provided at a service academy. It is also this leadership that is taught at service academies that I can utilize in my military career after my education to become a leader and help sustain an effective work environment within the Army.


Becoming a cadet at a service academy is personally meaningful to me because I have always had a dream of one day serving in the army as a way of repaying this country that has provided freedom and opportunities to millions of Americans. Joining a service academy would create the opportunity for me to begin this journey and mature academically, physically, and mentally to become an effective officer in the Army.

 

[A1Janitor]

I wouldn’t say leadership is a principle you wish to improve upon. I would say it is a quality you possess that you wish to continue (and name the leadership roles you have had).

I also would note some of it seems redundant (paragraph 2 and 4).

 

[anonymous_782]

Thank you for the advice. What parts in particular seemed redundant?

 

[Capt MJ]

Welcome new member of a few days.

- “… in which I can recognize my weaknesses and build upon them.” Do you really want to build upon your weaknesses? Perhaps another choice of verb or a different approach.

-“…military atmosphere only provided at service academies…” I would argue the senior military colleges also provide a very similar military atmosphere and daily regimen for their cadets, though they are not federal service academies. You can make the same point without the “only.”

“I have always had a dream of one day serving in the army…”. Avoid hyperbole. I assume as a toddler you were not dreaming of the Army. Something happened to awaken this dream. Tell us about it.

Be consistent in capitalizing Army.

Agree with @A1Janitor comments. In a few places you say essentially the same thing. Precision is important. Do you want to “improve upon the principle of leadership” or improve your leadership?

Thank you for knowing the difference between “principle” and “principal” in your usage.

Standard recommendations for these kinds of essays:
- Ask an English teacher to critique for organization, punctuation, structure, grammar, redundancy, word usage, etc.
- What makes this unique to you, the story only you can tell? Did you meet someone, see something, read something that got you interested in the idea of service? How did that progress to you deciding USMA was the path best suited to you and the Army for potentially 5+ years after that?
- Don’t publish your essay here in a public forum for anyone to see (and use).
- Read it aloud to a trusted friend or near-age sibling. If they laugh, you know you have hit the wrong tone - stilted, awkward, braggy, pretentious, etc. Reading it aloud also helps you hear how it flows, to see if it a smooth flow from beginning to end in answering the question with your unique answer.

 

[jbm2m]

Welcome new member of a few days.

- “… in which I can recognize my weaknesses and build upon them.” Do you really want to build upon your weaknesses? Perhaps another choice of verb or a different approach.

-“…military atmosphere only provided at service academies…” I would argue the senior military colleges also provide a very similar military atmosphere and daily regimen for their cadets, though they are not federal service academies. You can make the same point without the “only.”

“I have always had a dream of one day serving in the army…”. Avoid hyperbole. I assume as a toddler you were not dreaming of the Army. Something happened to awaken this dream. Tell us about it.

Be consistent in capitalizing Army.

Agree with @A1Janitor comments. In a few places you say essentially the same thing. Precision is important. Do you want to “improve upon the principle of leadership” or improve your leadership?

Thank you for knowing the difference between “principle” and “principal” in your usage.

Standard recommendations for these kinds of essays:
- Ask an English teacher to critique for organization, punctuation, structure, grammar, redundancy, word usage, etc.
- What makes this unique to you, the story only you can tell? Did you meet someone, see something, read something that got you interested in the idea of service? How did that progress to you deciding USMA was the path best suited to you and the Army for potentially 5+ years after that?
- Don’t publish your essay here in a public forum for anyone to see (and use).
- Read it aloud to a trusted friend or near-age sibling. If they laugh, you know you have hit the wrong tone - stilted, awkward, braggy, pretentious, etc. Reading it aloud also helps you hear how it flows, to see if it a smooth flow from beginning to end in answering the question with your unique answer.

As usual, I agree with Capt MJ. For me, the biggest takeaway is that I feel like I learned nothing about you reading this. It’s very topical/superficial. What specifically stoked your interest in West Point? Once you realized you were, what steps did you take in that direction? Spend some time thinking about West Point. Why that SA vs the others? What do their values mean to you personally, and how do you embody them in your life?

 

[Texark147]

I would find a way not to say "service academy" repetitively. It's in there 9 or 10 times. You can write it in a way to eliminate some of them. Keep working on it and take the advice of those above.

 

[jbm2m]

I would find a way not to say "service academy" repetitively. It's in there 9 or 10 times. You can write it in a way to eliminate some of them. Keep working on it and take the advice of those above.

You specifically mention Army in your essay. Sprinkle in some “West Point”