CVW - mom/grandma not approving

che527

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2016
Messages
180
I just got an invitation today for the Candidate Visit Weekend at the Naval Academy. I forwarded the email to my mom and dad - with only my dad supporting me and wanting me to go. I submitted a request form and all, but now I fear that I'll end up wasting my spot if my mom will not let me go. My grandma also does not approve of the military career for me either. Any advice?
 

CaliNavyMom

Member
Joined
May 14, 2016
Messages
188
First congrats on the invite Che!
Second, talk with your dad first and make sure he is behind you and then both of you sit with mom to explain your reason for wanting this SA/Military life.
The education alone is worth its weight. Do it respectfully and answer whatever questions she has if you can. Sit with her and look at the website together.
As for Grandma, well...I'm probably going to be a little harsh but this is your life and although we do take feelings into account, you are thinking of your future.
So talk to her, show her how excited you are, and tell her you hope she respects your decision as a young adult. Good luck!
 

che527

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2016
Messages
180
First congrats on the invite Che!
Second, talk with your dad first and make sure he is behind you and then both of you sit with mom to explain your reason for wanting this SA/Military life.
The education alone is worth its weight. Do it respectfully and answer whatever questions she has if you can. Sit with her and look at the website together.
As for Grandma, well...I'm probably going to be a little harsh but this is your life and although we do take feelings into account, you are thinking of your future.
So talk to her, show her how excited you are, and tell her you hope she respects your decision as a young adult. Good luck!
Thanks for the advice.
 

usna1985

10-Year Member
Joined
Jun 9, 2006
Messages
6,280
Maybe explain that this is just a visit that lets you see what USNA is like and whether it might be of interest to you. There are no strings attached. There is no obligation even to apply to USNA, let alone attend. And, who knows, you might find during CVW that USNA is NOT a good fit for you.

If you end up loving USNA, then you can work on convincing your family -- and will have even better ammo with which to do so. :)
 

madhttr

AROTC Dad
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
84
I think it's important to understand why your mom and grandma may be objecting. I'm a civilian, so I had no first-hand knowledge and many of my initial concerns with my daughter's interest in the military were based on inaccurate or outdated information, mostly from media stories, war movies, and imagining what it would be like for a female in an organization that is male-dominated (although less so than in the past). This was alleviated a great deal by talking to officers and cadets, and learning more about the military in general. Your mom and grandma may have similar concerns that could be addressed by exposing them to the appropriate people and information. They probably also have concerns about you going off to a college where they will probably see you less than a typical college, and then four years active duty that could be on the other side of the globe in harm's way. There's not much you can do about that concern--they are moms and that's what they do. After 18 years with a child sleeping under your roof every night, it's hard to get used to them being on their own and beyond your immediate help, in the military or otherwise. However, if they can see that it is your passion, a great fit for your skills and abilities, and that you would be an asset to the armed forces, they may learn to live with that concern. It also helps if they sense that you can take care of yourself and stand up under pressure. That will be demonstrated among other ways, in the way that your talk with them about your interest in a mature way, help educate them where appropriate, and complete all of the steps needed toward your goal while also keeping up with schoolwork and household responsibilities. Just one perspective from an old school dad.
 

Just Dad

5-Year Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2015
Messages
344
Yup. My daughter was in your spot 2 years ago when she first expressed interest in USNA. I our case it was DD and I vs. Mom the entire extended family. We are not a military family.


Short hand advice:

1) Ask your Mom how long she intends/thinks she can to exercise this kind of control over you, AND does she really want to control what information you are allowed to have?---(bet you get tons of comments along this line--stand by)

2) Be respectful of any concerns she has about your safety---then remind her that most USN Officers are not F18 Pilots, Seals, or Forest Recon. Can she recall a DDG, LHS, Carrier being sunk? If that where to happend we are all "knee deep" anyway

3) Tell her that IF you attend the USNA you have no service obligation unless you sign a service commitment at THE END of YOUR SECOND YEAR.

All the way up to plebe parent weekend my wife would tell her horrified relatives that DD could attend USNA for two years, attain majority, leave and finish at Oxford (she had Cambridge A and O levels done).

4) If it’s a political thing, remind her that your oath is to defend the (exceptional) Constitution of this country, not a political party, President etc.

5)Have a look at the USNA course requirements, (this was a big thing for me) There are no 'Tree House Design', 'Basket Weaving' or freshmen level 'International Joint Ventures' classes. If you go to a service academy your first to years take you somewhere in terms of useable knowledge and building blocks for advanced study, you won't be flopping around taking "Fun Classes".

6) Follow up #5 with a FORCEFUL statement that you want an undergrad degree that means something, (lots of info around on the *#*p that passes for a BA, BS these days

7) If your Dad has some business contacts see if you can get a 3rd party to explain to your Mom the tremendous respect the private sector has for USNA grads. (BTW it shows up in salaries)----- I did this with my wife. If I'd said it---"meh"; somebody else saying it really got her attention

8) Sit down with dad, get a pencil and work through the numbers. Assuming you aren't a candidate for big time financial aid, costs to send you anywhere but the local public university will run between $55K and $75K a year or around $300K. -----then off to grad school??? (no student aid for that). At USNA you are paid to go to school--and you land a fairly well paying (inc benefits pkg) when you join the fleet. If, at the end of 5 years, you find that you "have a fever the only prescription is more NAVY"... great. If not, you have money saved up for grad school, and Dad still has some cash around, you saved him $300K after all; (I hear that from my DD now and then). Then there's that GI bill.

9)Following up on #8 (and my favorite) is this. If you decide to leave the Navy after 5 years (first re-up gate) you will have other decisions to make. What to you want to study at a grad level? what work do you want to do? where do you want to live? If you go USNA you make these decisions at 26-27 AFTER seeing some of the world, doing work that employers, universities respect and getting to know yourself as an adult. Go the standard route and by the time you are 23 you will be invested in a career path that probably has its beginnings in classes took and decisions that you made at 19 or 20. PERSONALLY I THINK THIS IS HUGE.

10) Google USNA class of 2020 and down-load the breakdown of the USNA CL of 2020, show it to Mom. It’s a pretty impressive group to go to class with, live with and have as life-long "been through it together buddies".

11) NOTE that best case for the USNA is a 5 min conversation with a Mid; the second best is a 15 min conversation with a Mid's parent. If you can get your Mom to the YARD to see the place, to meet some Mids---- YOU WIN! .

The night my kid pulled the trigger on her appointment, I asked her to tell me "why Navy",(her Mom wasn't home at the time and I was covering my own @@@). She said "Dad I've done recruiting visits all over the country and honestly I can't remember much about any of the kids I met, (they all kinda melt together). Navy was different, every Mid I met on my recruiting trip was engaged, interested, and interesting. I wanted to know more about each of them; that’s why.

3 months later my wife went to I-Day at USNA. It wasn't an easy trip for her, but she left immensely proud of DD and proud to be a Navy Mom, (that sentiment as only grown over time).

Hope something here has value for you----good luck!
 
Last edited:

ktnatalk

Sailor. Shipmate. Parent.
Joined
Feb 20, 2016
Messages
1,299
Plenty of great advise so far. If I recall correctly, there are at least two candidates in the same situation that you are in within the last year. You can do a quick search and see the responses they received.

Then there's that GI bill.

Just to set the record straight: a SA grad doing a "5 and dive" is not eligible for the Post 9/11 GI Bill because the 5 years is the required obligation for the "free" education. In order to qualify for the Post 9/11 GI Bill, he/she is required to serve 8 years after graduation.

http://benefits.va.gov/BENEFITS/factsheets/education/Post-911_General_info.pdf

See NOTE on page one.
 

Just Dad

5-Year Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2015
Messages
344
Sorry, I didn't check that. I just looked to confirm its applicability to graduate Edu. Does change the math some. I guess you'd go to FAAFSA if you needed help funding school.
 

ktnatalk

Sailor. Shipmate. Parent.
Joined
Feb 20, 2016
Messages
1,299
Sorry, I didn't check that. I just looked to confirm its applicability to graduate Edu. Does change the math some. I guess you'd go to FAAFSA if you needed help funding school.

No worries! That's why we come to SAF - collective we have all the answers (except the black box called admissions)! :)
 

Capt MJ

Ancient Mariner
10-Year Member
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
9,299
Look up your home state's Veteran Agency or Department, not the Federal, and see what educational benefits your state gives to vets. They can be very generous.

If mom or dad are on LinkedIn, you can do some fun searches on the laptop-desktop version. In Advanced Search, in the Company field, pick a large company with a well-known name, and for School, past, put Naval Academy. All grads with LI profiles at that company will pop up. Military officers/SA Grads, are highly sought after for their established leadership skills and work ethic. Try Hewlett-Packard, USAA, IBM, Boeing, UBS, Booz Allen Hamilton, General Foods, etc.

And, look this up - great support for USNA grads as they transition to the civilian work force, whether at 5 years or 25. There is an amazing network unique to the SAs out there.
https://sacc-jobfair.com
 

ktnatalk

Sailor. Shipmate. Parent.
Joined
Feb 20, 2016
Messages
1,299
CAPT's LinkedIn search was one of the easy to confirm benefit of being a SA grad! I read it on SAF before! She is reposting her post! :D
 

Big Ugly

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2017
Messages
47
I very much enjoyed your post and made the effort to stop my wife as she hurried by to read it. Her response was that she wanted our daughter to be USN Officer serving as an F18 pilot, Seal, or Forest Recon.
 

desw2

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2017
Messages
13
@che527 I just received an offer of appointment today and literally my whole family is against me attending USNA

I think the real question you should ask yourself is how badly do you want to go? How dedicated are you to serving your country?

I know this isn't that helpful, but these are just some things I'm thinking about!
 

Gbp328

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2016
Messages
19
I just got an invitation today for the Candidate Visit Weekend at the Naval Academy. I forwarded the email to my mom and dad - with only my dad supporting me and wanting me to go. I submitted a request form and all, but now I fear that I'll end up wasting my spot if my mom will not let me go. My grandma also does not approve of the military career for me either. Any advice?

Honestly, they may disagree now but in the long run they'll be proud of you. Do what is best for you and your future. Doesn't matter who's not with you now. They will be later.
 

Just Dad

5-Year Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2015
Messages
344
I picture overtly inept, but some how highly capable marines in white, suit-like uniforms.
 

kinnem

Moderator
10-Year Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2010
Messages
13,972
To get back on track a bit, maybe Dad can help you convince Mom. DS wanted to enlist in the Marine Corps immediately after high school. Mom was dead set against it. I kept telling her privately that when he graduated he would be 18, and could do whatever he wanted without her say so. It took a while but eventually she came around with the proviso that he go to college first and go in as an officer. That's when he started looking into NROTC and the academy. Dad may also have a better handle on what it means to be in the military and can help explain that to Mom.

Above all, you need to be respectful and make your case maturely. You're not going to swing Mom to your side by arguing with her. Oh, I forgot, it doesn't matter what grandma thinks.
 
Top