Dad Joke thread (everybody welcome)

When a coastie tells me about his time at sea. Gets me every time, like champ that is a good one.
 
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here."

The string steps outside, unties the top of his head a little bit, and pulls out some of the individual and tinier strings that make up his string-body.

He walks back into a bar, and again orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey... didn't I just kick you out? We don't serve strings here, aren't you a string?"

The string simply replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
 
Jarhead713 said:
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here."

The string steps outside, unties the top of his head a little bit, and pulls out some of the individual and tinier strings that make up his string-body.

He walks back into a bar, and again orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey... didn't I just kick you out? We don't serve strings here, aren't you a string?"

The string simply replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Complicated but gratifying.
 

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What do you call a fat psychic?
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A four chin teller.
 
I had a maternal uncle with a false front, upper tooth. He would drop it down with the tooth laying on his tongue and laugh when we would cringe.

He would also put us in a headlock and rub his knuckles on our scalp and say, "let me skob your knob." It hurt like heck but he would laugh like a hyena. He died on a day when my family and I were leaving to go back home after a visit. My mom: "Oh, can't you stay until after his funeral?" No, love you. Got to get back. RIP Uncle Bad-Jokes-A-Lot.
 
THParent said:
I wonder if Dad jokes are universal in all countries.
Universal - meaning that not all Dads tell the same stupid jokes - but all Dads like to tell stupid jokes.
You know?
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I googled it and here's what I found:

Qual è il colmo per un idraulico?

Non capire un tubo.

Italian Dad joke, translated as:

What's the last straw for a plumber?

Not understanding the pipe! (which apparently in Italy means not to understand ANYTHING)
 
I may have told this one here before, but I don't think so....

So this guy wants to have his wife "terminated". He buys a big life insurance policy on her and waits six months, then puts the word out on the street that he's looking for someone to do her in. He gets a call one day from a guy named "Arty" who arranges a meeting at a local bar. When they meet Arty demands $10,000.00 for doing the job. The husband replies he can't afford that right now but he can pay him when the insurance payoff comes in. So Arty asks for a deposit. The husband pulls out his wallet and he only has a single $1.00 bill in it. He pulls it out and gives it to Art saying "Is this enough? It's all I got right now because of the insurance premiums.". Arty says he looks to be an honest guy so he'll accept it.

So Arty begins to follow the wife around town. One day she leaves the house very early and goes to the local Food Lion (or choose your favorite grocery store) to pick up some produce. Since it's only 7AM and the parking lot is empty, Arty figures this is his chance. He follows her into the store and strangles her in the produce section. Just as she expires the Produce Manager comes out and sees it happen. Arty can't leave witnesses so he chokes the Produce Manager to death too, and then runs out of the store.

Of course with security cameras and all it's only an hour before Arty is in custody and the reporters are shouting questions at him, which the shaken Arty responds to. Of course you know the next days headline... Arty chokes two for a dollar at Food Lion... ba-dump-bump
 
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