NROTC Adversity Essay

guydelarosa

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Does this essay sufficiently answer the question?

Prompt: Have you experienced any adversity in your life (parents divorced, single parent family, multiple high schools, frequent moves etc). If so, describe the circumstances and how you met the challenges.


I knew something was wrong when I got a strange text message from my mother in the morning. At first, I thought it was just my mom being a mom, and missing me, but as the day progressed these texts kept nagging at me; I had a strange feeling everything back home was not as usual.
I continued my day, almost forgetting about the peculiarity of the morning, but as I enjoyed my regular back massage in the trainer’s room, my phone began buzzing. I glanced down at my phone, which read “MOM.” Immediately the abnormality from earlier in the day came rushing back, and I hurriedly picked up the phone. As soon as my mom greeted me, I heard a crack in her voice as if she had been crying, so I instantly asked what was wrong, and she told me the most gut-wrenching words I had ever heard: “Your dad has cancer.”

Instantly, I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, followed by an endless amount of questions. My mother preceded to tell me that my dad had been diagnosed with stage 2 prostate cancer. After a lengthy conversation and reassurances that everything was going to be okay, I hung up. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I attempted to become an oncologist of sorts, researching treatment, recovery, and most importantly survival rates. I scoured the internet for hours on end, reading everything from WebMD pages to patient blogs. This level of focus on my father’s ailment was not sustainable with both school and the hockey season being in full swing. As expected, my grades began to drop, and my play began to suffer in the weeks following the news, prompting concern from my parents. I had always gotten A’s on tests, so the final straw for my parents was when I failed my AP Calculus exam, which prompted a long phone call with my dad.

I had always heard the saying “control what you can control,” but I had never given it much importance until my father told me just that. He said to me that whatever happens now is entirely out of my grasp, and the best way to help is to continue as I had been before the diagnosis. For some inexplicable reason the words, “control what you can control” finally resonated with me. As soon as I adopted this mindset, everything began to change; I started getting A’s again, and my performance in games and practices also increased. Luckily, my dad made a full recovery, but as I continue through life, whenever I encounter an adverse situation, rather than focusing on the negatives of the situation I seek to find what I can do to better my situation.
 
It's a touching story and well-written, but it's far too long for this particular prompt. Suppress the narrative details and get right to the point, which is the nature of the challenge and how you met that challenge.

The specific challenge for you, in your telling, was not your father's illness per se but the distraction from your studies that it created. You should state that clearly at the very beginning. Remember BLUF: Bottom Line Up Front.

Assuming you will cut many of the affecting dramatic touches, ie most of paragraph 1, I would also flesh out and elaborate a bit more on additional applications of your key insight about controlling what you can control. That's the most relevant and interesting part of the essay, but you give it short shrift. Could you tie it to a specific leadership situation you've encountered?
 
It's a touching story and well-written, but it's far too long for this particular prompt. Suppress the narrative details and get right to the point, which is the nature of the challenge and how you met that challenge.

The specific challenge for you, in your telling, was not your father's illness per se but the distraction from your studies that it created. You should state that clearly at the very beginning. Remember BLUF: Bottom Line Up Front.

Assuming you will cut many of the affecting dramatic touches, ie most of paragraph 1, I would also flesh out and elaborate a bit more on additional applications of your key insight about controlling what you can control. That's the most relevant and interesting part of the essay, but you give it short shrift. Could you tie it to a specific leadership situation you've encountered?
Good post! I agree, cut the AP Lit and Comp phrasing and get to the point. Your first two paragraphs can be streamlined to essentially my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I started failing sports and school.
Next, remember, they're asking "how you met the challenges" so write about you, not about reading websites or having long conversations. How did you specifically meet the challenge? Your talk with dad helped, but then what did you do to get your grades up and get back into being a contributing team member.
 
Good post! I agree, cut the AP Lit and Comp phrasing and get to the point. Your first two paragraphs can be streamlined to essentially my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I started failing sports and school.
Next, remember, they're asking "how you met the challenges" so write about you, not about reading websites or having long conversations. How did you specifically meet the challenge? Your talk with dad helped, but then what did you do to get your grades up and get back into being a contributing team member.
Thank you for the feedback. I made some changes to the essay and here is my second draft. Could You please provide some feedback on this version.




I knew something was wrong when I got a strange text message from my mother in the morning. I continued my day, almost forgetting about the peculiarity of the morning, but as I enjoyed my regular back massage in the trainer’s room, my phone began buzzing. I glanced down at my phone, which read “MOM.” Immediately the abnormality from earlier in the day came rushing back, and I hurriedly picked up the phone. As soon as my mom greeted me, I heard a crack in her voice as if she had been crying, so I instantly asked what was wrong, and she told me the most gut-wrenching words I had ever heard: “Your dad has cancer.”
Instantly, I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, followed by an endless amount of questions. My mother proceeded to tell me that my dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I attempted to become an oncologist of sorts, researching treatments and recover. I scoured the internet for hours on end, reading everything from WebMD pages to patient blogs. This level of focus on my father’s ailment was not sustainable with both school and the hockey season being in full swing. As expected, my grades began to drop, and my play began to suffer in the weeks following the news, inciting concern from my parents. The final straw for my parents was when I failed my AP Calculus exam, which prompted a long phone call with my dad.
I had always heard the saying “control what you can control,” but I had never given it much importance until my father told me just that. He said to me that whatever happens now is entirely out of my grasp, and the best way to help is to continue as I had been before the diagnosis. For some inexplicable reason the words, “control what you can control” finally resonated with me.
With this new mindset, I began to change what I did and how I did it. Rather than haphazardly flipping through pages in a text book or going through the motions at practice; I became invigorated and focused on academic and athletic excellence, because I knew that while I could not assuage my father’s physical situation, I could provide comfort to his morale. With this sudden transfiguration of psyche, everything began to fall into place. My grades return to normality, and I once again became an impactful on my team. Even now that my dad has made a full recovery, I strive to see life in a more positive lens; rather than contemplating the negativity of a circumstance, I try to comprehend what I can do to better my situation.
 
It's a touching story and well-written, but it's far too long for this particular prompt. Suppress the narrative details and get right to the point, which is the nature of the challenge and how you met that challenge.

The specific challenge for you, in your telling, was not your father's illness per se but the distraction from your studies that it created. You should state that clearly at the very beginning. Remember BLUF: Bottom Line Up Front.

Assuming you will cut many of the affecting dramatic touches, ie most of paragraph 1, I would also flesh out and elaborate a bit more on additional applications of your key insight about controlling what you can control. That's the most relevant and interesting part of the essay, but you give it short shrift. Could you tie it to a specific leadership situation you've encountered?
Thank you for the feedback. I made some changes to the essay and here is my second draft. Could You please provide some feedback on this version.




I knew something was wrong when I got a strange text message from my mother in the morning. I continued my day, almost forgetting about the peculiarity of the morning, but as I enjoyed my regular back massage in the trainer’s room, my phone began buzzing. I glanced down at my phone, which read “MOM.” Immediately the abnormality from earlier in the day came rushing back, and I hurriedly picked up the phone. As soon as my mom greeted me, I heard a crack in her voice as if she had been crying, so I instantly asked what was wrong, and she told me the most gut-wrenching words I had ever heard: “Your dad has cancer.”
Instantly, I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, followed by an endless amount of questions. My mother proceeded to tell me that my dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I attempted to become an oncologist of sorts, researching treatments and recover. I scoured the internet for hours on end, reading everything from WebMD pages to patient blogs. This level of focus on my father’s ailment was not sustainable with both school and the hockey season being in full swing. As expected, my grades began to drop, and my play began to suffer in the weeks following the news, inciting concern from my parents. The final straw for my parents was when I failed my AP Calculus exam, which prompted a long phone call with my dad.
I had always heard the saying “control what you can control,” but I had never given it much importance until my father told me just that. He said to me that whatever happens now is entirely out of my grasp, and the best way to help is to continue as I had been before the diagnosis. For some inexplicable reason the words, “control what you can control” finally resonated with me.
With this new mindset, I began to change what I did and how I did it. Rather than haphazardly flipping through pages in a text book or going through the motions at practice; I became invigorated and focused on academic and athletic excellence, because I knew that while I could not assuage my father’s physical situation, I could provide comfort to his morale. With this sudden transfiguration of psyche, everything began to fall into place. My grades return to normality, and I once again became an impactful on my team. Even now that my dad has made a full recovery, I strive to see life in a more positive lens; rather than contemplating the negativity of a circumstance, I try to comprehend what I can do to better my situation.
 
I still think the first paragraph could be tightened up. I don't see the need to reference the massage at all. 2nd paragraph "researching treatments and recover" needs to be fixed. Last paragraph is much better, check verb tense in that one. Good luck to you and I am glad your dad made a full recovery.
 
I'm not an expert but I've gone through three kids in the college admissions and ROTC process, and the best advice they got was to write about "you" in the essay, and I think you're still writing too much narrative. You're not following thibaud's advice of "Suppress the narrative details and get right to the point, which is the nature of the challenge and how you met that challenge."
 
NROTC 4 year awardee here. I had a very similar situation to you with my dad being diagnosed with cancer as well and making a full recovery. I would try to avoid the narrative details in your essay like many others. They care more about what happened to you, and how you responded about it. For my essay, I kept my description of what occurred *very brief* and spent most of the essay articulating how I responded, and how it shaped me who I am today.
 
I think I get it, the moment you heard was very important to you, it really resonated and when you think back that is a big moment. Unfortunately, the person reading your essay as their 100th essay they have read is gonna want you to get to the point much faster. This is not a creative writing essay, they really want the answer to the prompt. The cancer diagnosis and what year you were in school or how old you were (either one) should be in the first sentence, then move into how you reacted initially then how you overcame it.

I am very happy for your family that your Dad has recovered.
 
I think I get it, the moment you heard was very important to you, it really resonated and when you think back that is a big moment. Unfortunately, the person reading your essay as their 100th essay they have read is gonna want you to get to the point much faster. This is not a creative writing essay, they really want the answer to the prompt. The cancer diagnosis and what year you were in school or how old you were (either one) should be in the first sentence, then move into how you reacted initially then how you overcame it.

I am very happy for your family that your Dad has recovered.
I understand the point you guys are making, but as you described, that how I wrote it. The diagnosis was the first paragraph, initial reaction was the second paragraph, and the the third paragraph was how I changed my mindset.
 
I understand the point you guys are making, but as you described, that how I wrote it. The diagnosis was the first paragraph, initial reaction was the second paragraph, and the the third paragraph was how I changed my mindset.
I can see that but the first two paragraphs could literally be cut out and replaced with a simple statement that you found out your dad had cancer, then proceed to the heart of paragraph 3 but relate specifics of the impact and what you did to overcome them.
Think about it - admissions people don't want to read "as I enjoyed my regular back massage in the trainer’s room" - it adds nothing to the prompt. Also, I would question why it took you so long to reply to a text from your mom that you "knew something was wrong when I got a strange text message from my mother in the morning."
 
I can see that but the first two paragraphs could literally be cut out and replaced with a simple statement that you found out your dad had cancer, then proceed to the heart of paragraph 3 but relate specifics of the impact and what you did to overcome them.
Think about it - admissions people don't want to read "as I enjoyed my regular back massage in the trainer’s room" - it adds nothing to the prompt. Also, I would question why it took you so long to reply to a text from your mom that you "knew something was wrong when I got a strange text message from my mother in the morning."
Ok, I understand now. Here is what I did to condense it. Now that I did this, I have about 900 characters to play with. Should I try to relate the lesson I learned to a specific where this mindset was tested, or should I talk about how it shaped (how could I do this?)

I was just stating my senior year in high school, and then I heard the words: “Your dad has cancer.” Immediately, I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, followed by endless questions. Following the news, I attempted to become an oncologist of sorts, researching treatments and recovery times. I scoured the internet for hours on end, reading everything from WebMD pages to patient blogs. This level of focus on my father’s ailment was not sustainable with both school and the hockey season being in full swing. As expected, my grades began to drop, and my play began to suffer in the weeks following the news, inciting concern from my parents. The final straw for my parents was when I failed my AP Calculus exam, which prompted a long phone call with my dad.

I had always heard the saying “control what you can control,” but I had never given it much importance until my father told me just that. He said to me that whatever happens now is entirely out of my grasp, and the best way to help is to continue as I had been before the diagnosis. For some inexplicable reason the words, “control what you can control” finally resonated with me.

With this new mindset, I began to change what I did and how I did it. Rather than haphazardly flipping through pages in a textbook or going through the motions at practice; I became invigorated and focused on academic and athletic excellence, because I knew that while I could not assuage my father’s physical situation, I could provide comfort to his morale. With this sudden transfiguration of my psyche, everything began to fall into place. My grades return to normality, and I once again became impactful on my team.
 
Here is my update/condensed intro. I have about 900 characters to play with. Should I try to relate the lesson I learned to a specific where this mindset was tested, or should I talk about how it shaped (how could I do this?)


I was just stating my senior year in high school, and then I heard the words: “Your dad has cancer.” Immediately, I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, followed by endless questions. Following the news, I attempted to become an oncologist of sorts, researching treatments and recovery times. I scoured the internet for hours on end, reading everything from WebMD pages to patient blogs. This level of focus on my father’s ailment was not sustainable with both school and the hockey season being in full swing. As expected, my grades began to drop, and my play began to suffer in the weeks following the news, inciting concern from my parents. The final straw for my parents was when I failed my AP Calculus exam, which prompted a long phone call with my dad.

I had always heard the saying “control what you can control,” but I had never given it much importance until my father told me just that. He said to me that whatever happens now is entirely out of my grasp, and the best way to help is to continue as I had been before the diagnosis. For some inexplicable reason the words, “control what you can control” finally resonated with me.

With this new mindset, I began to change what I did and how I did it. Rather than haphazardly flipping through pages in a textbook or going through the motions at practice; I became invigorated and focused on academic and athletic excellence, because I knew that while I could not assuage my father’s physical situation, I could provide comfort to his morale. With this sudden transfiguration of my psyche, everything began to fall into place. My grades return to normality, and I once again became impactful on my team.
 
Here is the essay with all the final change I made to it. I condensed the intro a added focus to how this experience shaped my thought process moving forward. Your guy's feedback has been great, and I would appreciate it if I could get any last feedback before I submit my application.


I was starting my senior year in high school, and then I heard the words: “Your dad has cancer.” Immediately, I was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, followed by endless questions. Following the news, I attempted to become an oncologist of sorts, researching treatments and recovery times. I scoured the internet for hours on end, reading everything from WebMD pages to patient blogs. This level of focus on my father’s ailment was not sustainable, with both school and the hockey season being in full swing. As expected, my grades began to drop, and my play began to suffer in the weeks following the diagnosis, inciting concern from my parents. The final straw for my parents was when I failed my AP Calculus exam, which prompted a long conversation with my dad.
I had always heard the saying “control what you can control,” but I had never given it much importance until my father told me just that. He said to me that whatever happens now is entirely out of my grasp, and the best way to help is to continue as I had been before the diagnosis. For some inexplicable reason the words, “control what you can control” finally resonated with me.
With this new mindset, I began to change what I did and how I did it. Rather than haphazardly flipping through pages in a textbook or going through the motions at practice; I became invigorated and focused on academic and athletic excellence, because I knew that while I could not assuage my father’s physical situation, I could provide comfort to his morale. With this sudden transfiguration of my psyche, everything began to fall into place. My grades return to normality, and I once again became impactful on my team.
Even though my dad made a full recovery, his health will not be the finalization of my misfortunes. Adversity is one of life’s certainties, so rather surrendering in the face of hardship, I now endeavor to better my situation. Admittedly, before my father’s diagnosis, I probably would have let an obstacle such as cancer put my life at a standstill, but it was this circumstance and my father’s advice that changed my approach to difficult situations. By focusing on what I could do to help my dad, rather than contemplating the “what ifs,” I proved to myself that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Now, as I encounter the inevitability of misfortune, I strive to see life in a more positive lens; rather than fixating on the negativity of a circumstance, I try to comprehend what I can do to better my situation.
 
You cut a lot. Good work. I think at this point you should determine what you think is the final draft. Good luck!
 
You cut a lot. Good work. I think at this point you should determine what you think is the final draft. Good luck!
Thank you for the feedback, but in your personal opinion do you think that this essay is good to go. I was questioning if that last paragraph was relevant, and would love to get your feedback on it.
 
I still think its not concise enough but if you don't want to do that its up to you
 
Much better. Now work on grammar, individual sentence structure and phrasing.

Rather than haphazardly flipping through pages in a textbook or going through the motions at practice; I became invigorated and focused on academic and athletic excellence, because I knew that while I could not assuage my father’s physical situation, I could provide comfort to his morale.

FEEDBACK: Too long. Break this into two sentences and use simpler language. Use normal human speech of the sort you would use as an officer:
"became invigorated" replace with s.t. like "buckled down"
"focused on academic and athletic excellence" replace w s.t. like "aimed high in school and sports"
"provide comfort to his morale" with s.t. like "boost his spirits"

Also, change the semi-colon to a comma.

With this sudden transfiguration of my psyche, everything began to fall into place. My grades return to normality, and I once again became impactful on my team.

FEEDBACK: See above. Replace "sudden transfiguration of my psyche" with s.t. like "changed outlook"

Even though my dad made a full recovery, his health will not be the finalization of my misfortunes. Adversity is one of life’s certainties, so rather surrendering in the face of hardship, I now endeavor to better my situation.

FEEDBACK: See above. Replace "will not be the finalization of my misfortunes" with s.t. like "I know there will be tough times in the future"
Cut entirely the rather stiff cliche, Adversity is one of life’s certainties
Replace "endeavor to better my situation" with a more elegant phrase for this obvious concept - something like, "I accentuate the positive"?
 
@guydelarosa I appreciate and understand what you've been through and am glad that your father is now well. I don't generally get involved in essay threads but in watching this back and forth I feel compelled to say that at some point you need to make this essay your own. The Navy expects it to be your essay and not some essay written by a committee.
 
Agree with Kinnem....YOU need to write this. Not the Forums. An editor won’t even do this much editing. On the verge of cheating, imo. This needs to be yours. Not ours.

How will you feel if you don’t get an appointment? Will you feel “it was that essay, I should have/shouldn’t have xxx”

What if an admissions person is here and reads this and sees this group effort (I know probably not likely but could happen...).

This shouldn’t be a group effort.
 
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