Dad Joke thread (everybody welcome)

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, an Arab, a Moldovan, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Laotian, a Vietnamese guy, a Cambodian, a North Korean, a South Korean, an American, a Mexican, a Canadian, a Brazilian, an Australian, a New Zealander, a South African, a Libyan, a Moroccan, a Spaniard and a Cuban try to walk into a fancy cocktail bar.

The bouncer says, ‘Sorry, lads… you can’t come in without a Thai.’
 
A young man asks his high school sweetheart to prom. He gets his suit fitted, but has to wait in line for an hour because there's only one tailor and five other guys are ahead of him. The same thing happens when he picks it up...he has to wait in line again while the tailor processes other customers' orders. On prom day, he picks up some flowers from the store and finds himself trapped in a giant checkout line. He barely makes it through in time to pick up his date. As they get on the highway to go to prom, they realize that most of the lanes are closed due to construction. They wait in a long line of traffic and arrive a half hour late. By the time they get to prom, both of them are hungry, but since they are the last ones, they find themselves all the way at the back of the food line. When they reach their seats, the young man realizes they completely forgot drinks and decides to get some punch. He walks over to the drink area and realizes there's no punch line.

(Told to me in a similar form by a previous roommate, who I thanked for wasting 5 min of my life)
 
There were two twin boys that loved to cause trouble. They cursed, they stealed, they bullied, and just were not good people.
Their mother decides to put them into the scouting program, hoping that it would morph them into better children. She tells the scoutmaster about the problem and he asks to speak to them, one at a time.
When he meets the first twin he asks him a question, hoping to be able to guide him to the right track spiritually.
"Son, can you tell me; where is God?"
The boy sits and shrugs his shoulders.
The scoutmaster asks again, "Where is God?"
The boy mumbles something.
"Ok, I'm getting tired of this, boy! Where is God?!" Says the Scoutmaster, growing impatient.
The twin gets up, screams, and runs all the way home and hides in his closet. When his brother asks what was wrong, he replied, "It's God! He's missing and they think we took him!"
 
From Gene Weingarten’s weekly humor column in the 9/19/21 WaPost Sunday Magazine, a new entry in his “Rhymes Against Humanity” series.

Here’s another batch of “Pokes,” 

Poems retelling corny jokes. 

People claim they’re juvenile
An accusation I find vile. 

So today I’m using only jokes 

Aimed at only preteen folks.


Heavy Metal

When it’s raining cats and dogs, that’s bad. 
You get sopping wet, and hard rain stabs. 
But even worse (by more than a tad) 
…
Is hailing taxicabs.


A Real Ripsnorter

“I can make a facial tissue dance,”

Said the magician, with a wicked glance.

“I won’t lie, or try to spin it:

“You just put a little boogie in it.”


Who? Nose!

I hear a thin voice in my head.

As my right eye to my left eye tells 

This joke that knocks the left eye dead: 
“Just between us, something smells.”


The Lunar Pruner

Observe the moon (up over there).

Do you wonder how he cuts his hair?

How he does it, how he snips it?

Eclipse it.


Johnny's on the Spot

No homework, Johnny?
Guilty, he pled. 

But he had an excuse, an unusual take.

No, his dog didn’t eat it — HE did, he said.
“Teach, you called it a piece of cake.”


A Sour Fact

Behold! A revelation that just might tickle.
It’s about how a cucumber becomes a pickle.

It’s partly science, and part lament.

The cuke must suffer a jarring event.


A Fruitful Encounter

A baby kumquat cried and cried.

She said to me: “How sad I am.”

And then explained, all teary-eyed:

“My mother’s in a jam.”


Honkering Down

In the grocery store a snowman 

Was roaming the produce rows. 

It was odd, but made some sense — 

He was just picking his nose.


In Her Own Hands

My father’s sister battles crime

Her official title’s scanty. 

But to me she’ll always be 

My beloved vigil-auntie.
 
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