Mom in need help supporting son's decision

how2know said:
Line in the Sand, Apparently, I have offended after all and my emotionality (due to a full crisis mode that you have no clue about) and informational seeking efforts were a poor combination and demonstrate inappropriate etiquette for this forum. My apologies.
Click to expand...

No apologies needed. I'm fine with people asking questions when they are completely ignorant on the subject. That's just part of the process. For some questions you really need to talk to people. For others, you can look them up yourself. Most schools will have sample classes posted. That's something you can search. Other questions, such as "In your experience how does....." will require someone who has "been there" to respond. I think SAF is a great place for the second type of question. I think because it's a great place for that second type of question, it makes it very easy to skip any kind of research and just pop off questions.

As far as being offended, yes and no.

Over the course of my life I've had plenty to be offended about, but I think even at 31 I'm generally "over" most of it. We can spend out entire lives whining about what we don't want to hear. I'm past that. I'm fine with people saying whatever they'd like and I assume (often wrongly) that they're fine with me responding with my opinions. Specifically with the Coast Guard, you learn to grow thick skin. I appreciate the back and forth with other services. When soldiers, sailors, airmen or Marines want to take a shot at me, I laugh and fire one right back. It's expected. I'm used to people knowing very little about the Coast Guard Academy or the U.S. Coast Guard. It's a small obscure service. If people don't know about them, I saw it as my job, as a public affairs officer, to provide the correct information. But that's not me anymore. So I don't, as much. I'm hard to offend, so don't read the quoted response as my taking direct offense. That's the "no."

The "yes" now, is less for me, and more for others. There's a way to word a question to "take a shot" at someone either intentially or unintentially. It's the classic grandma saying "Oh, you got a hair cut. I liked it better the other way." OK, thanks grandma! HAHA.

What you have to remember here, is you have young men and women who are one of three things.... they're possibly Coast Guard Academy hopefuls (applicants or candidates waiting to start), Coast Guard Academy cadets (who may be going through a pretty rough year and don't really like seeing what you've said about them, passively) and recent Coast Guard Academy graduates who have just endured four unpleasant years at the Coast Guard Academy. And outside of that, you'll find older (not old) graduates like me, or grads of other academies, or parents.

When I read your comments, often they're appropriate, but here and there you throw something in that leaves me scratching me head "Oh, come on... did you REALLY have to say that." And I think I'm embarrassed for the prospective cadets/current cadets/recent graduates who have to read it. And what you may not know is, we have had people here in the past that used the opportunity to ask questions, to trash one of the institutions represented on SAF.

My recommendation to you, in this forum, or on this topic, ASSUME that everything you know or think you know is wrong or ill-informed. Your lack of knowledge isn't your fault. Anytime we learn something new, something we haven't really touched before, it's helpful to just be a sponge.

I hope this makes sense to you. I could be talking in circles. It makes sense in my head, but there always a risk that me message is lost somewhere between my brain and my fingertips.
 
how2know,
As a parent whose son had the opportunity to meet some USCG officers and Enlisted men and women at their Sector HQ, I can tell you that they were all wonderful men and women whose dedication to the Country and Coast Guard was evident in everything they did and how they presented themselves. There were very PROUD of what they did and WHY they did it.

My DS is a candidate at two of the other SA's right now and am I fearful of his decision to attend one should he get accpeted-sure. Am I cnocerned with the state of the world today? Sure.

Do we absolutely and without hesitation suupport him, even if we disagree with what he wants to do in the military-without a question. This is his life and we as his parents have put him in the position to have chioces available to him and while we can express our concerns, we respect that the decisions are his based on what he wants to experience in life.

You need to step back and let your son decide what he wants to do with his life and take some time to uderstand the mission of the Coast Guard.

He will learn more about himself in the next 4 years and be challenged in ways no civilian universty ever would challenge him. Let him bloom. He will know when things are not working and there are plenty of support folks available to him.

What has be been trained by you to be?

Sounds like a young man that can look at all availble information and make an informed decision based on HIS values and not yours.

Support him and be there for him. He's about to meet a huge new family that has each other's backs and will seek support where it is offered. If you don't support him, don't be offended when he doesn't turn to you when you think he should be.

That's my .02.

Good luck and getting the appoinment to USCG is something to be very proud of.
 
MJP said:
how2know,
As a parent whose son had the opportunity to meet some USCG officers and Enlisted men and women at their Sector HQ, I can tell you that they were all wonderful men and women whose dedication to the Country and Coast Guard was evident in everything they did and how they presented themselves. There were very PROUD of what they did and WHY they did it.

My DS is a candidate at two of the other SA's right now and am I fearful of his decision to attend one should he get accpeted-sure. Am I cnocerned with the state of the world today? Sure.

Do we absolutely and without hesitation suupport him, even if we disagree with what he wants to do in the military-without a question. This is his life and we as his parents have put him in the position to have chioces available to him and while we can express our concerns, we respect that the decisions are his based on what he wants to experience in life.

You need to step back and let your son decide what he wants to do with his life and take some time to uderstand the mission of the Coast Guard.

He will learn more about himself in the next 4 years and be challenged in ways no civilian universty ever would challenge him. Let him bloom. He will know when things are not working and there are plenty of support folks available to him.

What has be been trained by you to be?

Sounds like a young man that can look at all availble information and make an informed decision based on HIS values and not yours.

Support him and be there for him. He's about to meet a huge new family that has each other's backs and will seek support where it is offered. If you don't support him, don't be offended when he doesn't turn to you when you think he should be.

That's my .02.

Good luck and getting the appoinment to USCG is something to be very proud of.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your thoughts and taking your time to respond to my request.
 
MDDADD said:
How2know:

I am sorry for a quick short reply. There are not many on this forum but there are other parents going through the same thing to some greater or lesser degree. My wife and I are as well to a lesser degree. Fear of the unknown. We have the benefit and curse of being a sponsor family for more than a decade so we know the high and the low and the end of the show.

I can offer you some good news. If your kid wants out, there are multiple outs along the way. This is not a life decision. If the kid hates it he can leave within 2 years with no obligation and upon entering his 3 year at at SA, should he find he hates the field, he can leave after 5 years of service. He will be a ripe old age of 27, he will have a good education and work experience. He may also love the job and stay. The CG has one of the highest 5 year retention rates (around 80%, compared to army, navy and air force at around 50%). CG does a horrible job of marketing themselves but I can tell you some of the happiest people on this earth serve in the coast guard.

I wish I had your problem. I think my kid today turned down CG to go to either army or navy. Freaking me out but as long as the kid is happy we will be happy.

I may be able to give you some comfort on one of your concerns. The SA attendee we have come to know (and we have come to know in excess of 50 of them extremely well as sponsor parent) are not turned into mindless robotic uniform machines. As a firm supporter of an ivy league education I will tell you I have great reason to believe the the SAs promote more free thinking and independent opinions than any Ivy (which tend to be far more homogenized in terms of POV). You would be shocked at the different politcal leanings, views on current conflicts and policies, etc... you will find in SA attendees. No BS. You will find more rennassaince men in an SA than you will at Harvard. About the only uniform thing you will find in attendees of an SA beside the uniform and pride in their institution (mixed in with part hate... we call it a LOVE/hate relationship) is a high level of integrity not matched elsewhere, and a focus on team work/esprit de corp. In all other ways they are as varied as you can imagine and much more so than you find at the typical University.

By going your kid is going to meet amazing people and do amazing things. The SAs are not filled with HS drop-outs; they are filled with the best and brightest this country has to offer, all learning how to be leaders.

There is some other news that I will share to be honest that is hard on parents. The kids come to an SA and get very little time with family. Their classmates become their family. Our sponsor kids say all the time they have become independent and confident. Their parent often say they have become distant. This happens fast and it seems to take parents by surprise. How many dinners my wife and I have had with patents of the sponsor kids after dropping the kids back at the SA... and the Mom or Dad tears up over diner with my wife and I about how their kid are just not as close to the family as they once were is a lot. I don't actually think this is different than what would happen in the normal University path course... it just happens with blinding speed and with no opportunity to recover for the kid or parent and they both fumble with the new relationship often trying to find a new normal. Not usually a problem for military families. Often a problem for non-military families.

Now I will end with one plea to you. There are two hard cases (types) we face as a sponsor family. One is the kid that did not want to go but did so for an obligation to their military family. In extreme cases they don't have a welcoming home to return to when if they leave the SA. Some of them consider extreme measures. Here at least we as sponsor parents can help. If they are determined to leave the SA and if the family will not help them get on their feet; we will. If push come to shove and thankfully in 50 cases this only happened once, we take the view that our obligation is to the kid. Not the parents or the SA. We try to help the kid. The second case is the kid with parents that were and remain opposed to them coming to the SA. The kid wants to stay; the parents want them to leave. We had a few cases of this. The challenge is, even if our obligation is to the kid, we can't resolve the internal conflict the parents have put the kid in. Don't be that parent!! Its not easy to get into the place your kid got into. Its not easy for the kid to commit to the challenge your kid is facing. Its not easy to get through. There will be times your kid wants to quit. Every kid we have ever sponsored at some point wanted to quit. Don't YOU be the reason they quit on their dream, OK? Don't YOU owe it to the kid you raised who got to this amazing place (even if it is not your idea of an amazing place) to support his dream? If he leaves, don't you want to let him leave for HIS reasons, not YOUR reasons? So my plea to you as a sponsor parent is to tell your kid that he will have your 100% support no matter what decision he makes.

This may not be the right decision for you; but its not your life, right? Its not a bad decision and not one he can't change his mind about and it may be the right decision for him.

You have twelve weeks till he reports. Make peace and enjoy the time left. Make sure he knows he has your support.
Click to expand...
Dear MDDADD, Thank you for your time. Your post affirmed the side of the organization that I had hoped was actually there. Your last 4 paragrsphs are icing on the cake. Thank you so very much for sharing your wisdom and experience for the benefit of all. I told my son at lunch today that if this has become his dream and he has now made his decision, I support him and stand behind him. I hope that he will be fortunate enough to have a host family as wonderful as yours. Thank you for giving of yourselves in the very important work of being a host family for so many. If I were not so tired I could go on appreciating your post, but please know how valuable your words are. Thank you!
 
MomIN, I don't have much to add to what has been posted for you already. I will add a few things. First, I can relate to your initial feelings more than some have, as my wife reacted in a similar way. She still has trouble with it sometimes, so I won't say this is something you will get past. And we have two sons in the CG now. One is at the Academy and the other just graduated from Cape May. Second, and repeating what some have said here, is look into what the CG does. Under the "Jobs after Graduation" thread LITS has a great summation that may help orient you. Third, while the CG is by law a military service, in the last few years I am only aware of one death caused by the CG, which was the unfortunate and accidental result of a boating collision (there may be others I am not aware of). On the other hand, in the same period the CG has lost 15 (?) members that I can think of off the top of my head. All but two of those were in training, transit or rescue situations. That is the nature of the Coast Guard.
 
Seems like this was covered pretty thoroughly.

How2know - Mom to mom, I understand your concerns. I'm happy you've told your DS that you will support him. Keeping your relationship strong between you and your son should be paramount. Unfortunately, I saw the results first hand of a Mom who didn't do this. Her daughter received a AFROTC scholarship. Mom continuously made snide comments or made off-hand remarks about the military. Even went so far as to tell her daughter its taking too much time and her grades were suffering. Her daughter gave up her scholarship & quit ROTC right before Christmas, and now regrets it terribly. I don't think she's spoken to her Mom since Christmas. Won't return calls & sends single word texts.

I'm sure they'll eventually work it out, but the relationship will never be the same. They used to be very close.
It's so sad.

BTW, this young lady's goal in the Air Force was to work in the biomedical field -- to help those injured in the military and war torn countries. Not all jobs involve blowing things up. There's a whole humanitarian aspect to it that is very attractive to a lot of cadets.
 
I read this in an editorial in today's Wall Street Journal on the 150 year anniversary of Gen. Lee's surrender at Appomattox Court House. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. who went on to become a US Supreme Court Justice, wrote about his experience 20 years earlier as a Union soldier, “in our youth our hearts were touched with fire. It was given to us to learn at the outset that life is a profound and passionate thing.”

As the Dad of 23 and 19 year old sons, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think you would either.

 
how2know said:
to turn to the first page of a book review detailing how the uscg is losing innovative and creative leaders to the private sector who are unwilling to stay within a defunct system of promotion based on waiting in line and compliance/butt kissing. I am so concerned that instead of learning about himself and learning to problem solve and think for himself that he will be told what and how to think and be limited as an individual. Can anyone help set my mind at ease that this is not a poor decision that will limit his individuality, ability to think and not be dependent on the social circle of the military for his life so that I can support and celebrate his decision? Thank you for your help. Not intending to offend, just feeling so very sorrowful at the idea of my son not living up to his unique potential. If I should have posted this elsewhere for more response please advise and thank you again.
Click to expand...

http://www.cga.edu/blog.aspx?id=64973&blogid=139

I saw this and thought the OP might be interested.
 
how2know said:
GOOD MORNING - This from the mom of someone who has been offered a uscga appt that intends to take it. I need a way to come to some sort of support for him and am struggling with that. I do not intend to offend. Just really trying to receive some ideas on how to overcome my concerns about the military environment and support my son's decision.
I'm proud of him and his accomplishments, which are many of course, in my estimate.Because there has been so much conflict in our home over a first serious girlfriend these last couple of months, he is very guarded with me. He has made a decision to accept the appt. Because I thought I'd raised a bit of a rennassaince man and like to think military force is a poor decision and I am peace lover at heart, it feels like a sock in the stomach to me that my son has elected to join the military over take advantage of studying at one of 11 civilian schools he has been accepted at and offered combined scholarship monies of over $650,000.00, leadership and honors programs. I worry about him being treated so cruelly and then having the duty of turning around to treat others that way. I recently opened the alumni journal for support in supporting him... to turn to the first page of a book review detailing how the uscg is losing innovative and creative leaders to the private sector who are unwilling to stay within a defunct system of promotion based on waiting in line and compliance/butt kissing. I am so concerned that instead of learning about himself and learning to problem solve and think for himself that he will be told what and how to think and be limited as an individual. Can anyone help set my mind at ease that this is not a poor decision that will limit his individuality, ability to think and not be dependent on the social circle of the military for his life so that I can support and celebrate his decision? Thank you for your help. Not intending to offend, just feeling so very sorrowful at the idea of my son not living up to his unique potential. If I should have posted this elsewhere for more response please advise and thank you again.
Click to expand...
Very sorry this is going to be such an adjustment for you. My daughter graduated from the CG Academy and no one in my family had been involved in the military. I remember our attitudes about the Viet Nam vets and am deeply ashamed we all made life so difficult for people who were drafted and trying to do the right thing. Just remember the mission of the CG. Yes, the CG has been in every war (my son-in-law just returned from Bahrain and he is a LT in the CG). However, cadets are not trained to be cruel and indeed they ARE expected to make decisions. They just learn how to do all this under pressure (which I think you interpret as cruelty - maybe even bullying). The four years are going to be really tough and you DO need to be VERY supportive. He may be top dog in high school but EVERYONE in the CG Academy is a previous top dog. It will STILL be an enormous challenge. You will be so proud of him when he graduates - and even if he doesn't (because so many do not) what he learns at the academy will make his life more fulfilling. The CG Academy offers so much and once out in the fleet he can go for a Master's degree at Harvard or Yale if he chooses. Who can complain about getting a top rate education - my daughter has a BS degree in Electrical Engineering, got her Masters in Chemical Engineering is working on a PhD and was also involved in crew and triathlon sports (one HAS to do a sport at the academy as well as the BS requirements AND the military) and all that because of the CG Academy. Before the academy she spent her first year at George Washington University using CG Reserve monies to help defray the costs even though she had a generous scholarship to GWU. Then she transferred to the academy which was a great relief to me because she was looking at the Army. As much as I respect the Army training the fact that she served on an ice breaker for 2 and 1/2 years and a buoy tender out of HI for the rest of her fleet commitment eased my concern even though she was doing a dangerous job in both assignments. I think you should DEFINITELY get to know what the CG actually does for the nation (remember that he can become a pilot or diver or life saver - and I do NOT mean a lifeguard). My daughters (I can include my other daughter who also said her sister shouldn't have gone into the military only to join the Air Force to help pay for med school and is now a Doctor and Major in the Air Force as a result of the example set by her younger sister) have become wonderful, strong, decision makers as a result of their military training. I hope you find the ability to modify your outlook and can look your son in the eyes on that reporting in day (which will be an emotional experience) and tell him how proud you are of his decision and that he can call on you at any time for any reason WHATSOEVER. By the way, join the parent's association. They can give you advice in case you get that phone call, "Ma, I want to come home, I just can't take it anymore" which could come as soon as the second week of SWAB summer. Good luck in your situation.
 
To the OP, time for some "tough love"...

First, kudos to you for raising a young person that has both the capability and desire to attend a SA/ROTC and serve as an officer. And further, kudos for having the courage to reach outside of your own knowledge/comfort zone to try and make peace with their decision to do so.... It is not always easy.

Now... Shame on you! Shame on you for not recognizing how amazing he is. Clearly you've done something right if this young person (and so many others like him) has a multitude of educational paths and instead chooses the SA/ROTC route. He can do anything.... anything.... and, despite the wishes of his parent, chooses to do something GREATER than himself by giving back to the world and serving in one of the most challenging ways possible. Isn't that exactly what you wanted for him? Isn't that the sort of man you always hoped to raise?

Now more than ever the world needs young people of character who see serving others as being as important as just "getting ahead". I challenge you to spend time with young people from all of the other colleges he was accepted at (any of them!) and then spend time with young men and women from an SA. If you are not impressed to the point of being truly humbled.... that I am not sure what words from anyone here could possibly accomplish.

You've done your job..... clearly far far better than you might realize. Now it's time to set aside your pride and prejudices and let him do his.
 
It is beyond me how some of you can chastise the OP for expressing her true feelings. Scolding her for not researching more before asking. Telling her renaissance men are not raised, it is an inherent characteristic. The opportunities and experiences provided and funded by parents go a long way toward encouraging youngsters to be versatile and inquisitive. Precursors to "renaissance" attributes.

First of all, disregard parenting tips from people without children. Secondly, understand that much of the expert advice you're being given is from parents that only recently began their academy oddyssey.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" applies pretty well to your situation. Four years, will go fast... and the next five will fly too. Your son can exit the CG then and go on to other pursuits. If he really doesn't like USCGA he can leave anytime in the first two years without penalty.

My bet? 10 years down the road he is a Happy Coast Guard officer and you are one proud momma.
 
Dear how2know,
I'm not offended at all by your feelings/rantings. That being said, I want you to look at our scenario:
We live in Southern Rhode Island about a mile from the beach. We have a beautiful daughter, 16 going on 35, who is finishing her junior in high school....great grades in honors/AP classes, plays Varsity tennis as well as basketball and swimming and is 1st chair flute in her HS orchestra as well as town band! Oh, one little thing I forgot to mention: she loves to SAIL! Yes, she is Capt of the HS Sailing Club and she works at the URI Sailing Center....did I mention that she loves to SAIL? Ok, so she has had her eyes on USCGA for awhile now. When we visit, she soaks it all in and sees herself as a student there. So I/we support her....she will apply to USCGA in the fall. We all hope she gets in! I know it's a military school but it's what she truly wants....just like your son. We are not a military family but we are excited for her since she has this passion...it just happens to be at a military school...that happens to be federally funded! Seems like your son has made his decision...so embrace it....and enjoy....good things will come to good people!

how2know said:
GOOD MORNING - This from the mom of someone who has been offered a uscga appt that intends to take it. I need a way to come to some sort of support for him and am struggling with that. I do not intend to offend. Just really trying to receive some ideas on how to overcome my concerns about the military environment and support my son's decision.
I'm proud of him and his accomplishments, which are many of course, in my estimate.Because there has been so much conflict in our home over a first serious girlfriend these last couple of months, he is very guarded with me. He has made a decision to accept the appt. Because I thought I'd raised a bit of a rennassaince man and like to think military force is a poor decision and I am peace lover at heart, it feels like a sock in the stomach to me that my son has elected to join the military over take advantage of studying at one of 11 civilian schools he has been accepted at and offered combined scholarship monies of over $650,000.00, leadership and honors programs. I worry about him being treated so cruelly and then having the duty of turning around to treat others that way. I recently opened the alumni journal for support in supporting him... to turn to the first page of a book review detailing how the uscg is losing innovative and creative leaders to the private sector who are unwilling to stay within a defunct system of promotion based on waiting in line and compliance/butt kissing. I am so concerned that instead of learning about himself and learning to problem solve and think for himself that he will be told what and how to think and be limited as an individual. Can anyone help set my mind at ease that this is not a poor decision that will limit his individuality, ability to think and not be dependent on the social circle of the military for his life so that I can support and celebrate his decision? Thank you for your help. Not intending to offend, just feeling so very sorrowful at the idea of my son not living up to his unique potential. If I should have posted this elsewhere for more response please advise and thank you again.
Click to expand...
 
Well, I could've said that we live in South County....but it's actually Washington County! So I guess it IS a Rhode Island thing....
 
fbi098 said:
You'll want to stop locating excuses to forget to support your son. Within each successive post, you get tons associated with information disabusing the majority of the stereotypes you've got. At the same time frame, you appear to believe that a non-military civilian training is just about all roses and sunshine. Having never experienced the armed forces, I can show you that your alternate that you simply are idolizing is filled up with every shortcoming you cite for the military. You've never ever worked a great incompetent employer?
Click to expand...

Would you mind translating this post.
 
I agree kinnem. how2know has not posted since April. Chances are they left the building.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top