As Usual I Find Myself With A Slghtly Contrary View ..
XSurfer:
RE: "Now, for the next issue. Let's hypothetically say that son does not like to be confined by parent's rules because parents are paying, so next time he makes sure he has his own money and can pay his own way, would any of you be bothered that your son would be coming to "town" but not staying at "home?" So, this becomes more of a family values issue and not an economic one."
Not sure I understand how you resolved the first issue but here's my 2 cents - first I agree with the philosophy if I'm paying I have a say in this and you'll stay at our house ... and no she can't spend the night...
On the point of what about next time - first I generally jump off each bridge when I get there but 1) yes he might indeed do that and 2) yes i'd be hurt.
That said I'd understand, while these folks are indeed just 18 years old, they are being trained to be independent and resourceful. In a year, or two, or three they could just as easily find themselves responsible for a platoon, in a hostile environment, half a world away. So I tend to cut DS a fair amount of slack when he pushes the envelope and trys to feel his oats. As such, if at some later time he needed a hand and was willing to understand "I pay I set the limits" - then I'd still make that option avaialable - no threats or guilt trips - they wouldn't work on him anyway, but even if they did, they'd make it harder for me to maintain my preferred role of parent and refuge. While it's understandable that an 18 YO male wants to "hook up" with his GF when he's home, I don't need to know about it and my wife wouldn't want then openly say walking in the front door and going up to his room to do so. I'd think pointing out that 1) he needs to respect you and your wife as fellow adults, just as he wants you to treat him likewise; 2) as far as confronting her mother, I wouldn't do that, i would indeed invite her and GF to thanksgiving dinner with DS and your family though; 3) Just because the 2% club has a lot of historical precendent doesn't mean your DS isn't a member and the quickest way to make him determined to stay with this girl is make her a part of his rebellion against you and a symbol of him successfully leaving your nest, especially if he has some growing up to do. I watched my own sister, openly have issues with my oldest niece's (our Goddaughter) BF - that alone, in my estimation kept that relationship together for at least 6 extra months. 4) I try and make things easy for DS when he comes home, though once last year we had to have a talk and set limits during one of his breaks, when I talked to him I was realatively non-judgemental but pointed out that he wasn't respecting us (wife and I) as people, let alone as parents with his behavior (being gone overnight without telling us in advance, etc) - it worked. Personnally, in the end if the choice is him sleeping somewhere else for a night rather then even thinking about getting behind the wheel after "a couple of beers" then I just want to know where he is, so nobody is waiting up for him and we can lock the doors. That said, when he does it repeatedly for several nights, I talk to him and say, hey how about hanging out with us tonight, we haven't had any time together. To be fair, we don't do this his first night or so home as that's when he is catching up with friends, some of whom are indeed female but so far he hasn't even thought about a steady girlfriend - "Dad who has time for that crap?" -
Sorry for the ramble - Bottom line: I try and treat him as an adult and that of course does mean if I'm paying I set the conditions. If he's paying, hey we're your parents and friends and we'd still like to see you and spend at least some time together... So in our case we stick with bribary and avoid the coercion or guilt trips ... for us that works, but everyone has to deal with this their own way.