Is my answer to the "Why you want to attend..." informative enough?

Keep in mind that USNA isn't looking for your essay to stand out among 18,000 applicants. They've used the same essay topic for the last 20 years. That's 36,000 essays. Chances of yours being unique aren't good. WRT the essays, USNA is looking for whether you can pull together coherent thoughts and express yourself well with few words. Within reason, the answer itself isn't as important as how you compose it.

In terms of the generic "Why do you want to attend?," start with why YOU want to attend. Avoid giving an answer just because you think it's what USNA or your MOC or BGO wants to hear. Select a 1-2 facts or a SHORT story that supports that reason. Consider why you're opting for Navy/USMC without disparaging other services.

Write it down and then leave it. Come back to it several days later. Refine it. Show it to an adult to provide comments and proofread, but don't let an adult write it (trust me, folks who read these all day long can tell when a parent / adult has written or heavily influenced it).

If you are planning to speak to it (vs. write an essay), practice, but don't rehearse. What's the difference? Rehearsed sounds like you memorized something and are just parroting it back. Practice means you've thought through what you will say but haven't written it down and memorized it.
 
Devil Doc said:
Too many commas Michael. It reads as halting and herky jerky.

Smooth out the sentences. Make more of them if needed.
Click to expand...
usna1985 said:
Keep in mind that USNA isn't looking for your essay to stand out among 18,000 applicants. They've used the same essay topic for the last 20 years. That's 36,000 essays. Chances of yours being unique aren't good. WRT the essays, USNA is looking for whether you can pull together coherent thoughts and express yourself well with few words. Within reason, the answer itself isn't as important as how you compose it.

In terms of the generic "Why do you want to attend?," start with why YOU want to attend. Avoid giving an answer just because you think it's what USNA or your MOC or BGO wants to hear. Select a 1-2 facts or a SHORT story that supports that reason. Consider why you're opting for Navy/USMC without disparaging other services.

Write it down and then leave it. Come back to it several days later. Refine it. Show it to an adult to provide comments and proofread, but don't let an adult write it (trust me, folks who read these all day long can tell when a parent / adult has written or heavily influenced it).

If you are planning to speak to it (vs. write an essay), practice, but don't rehearse. What's the difference? Rehearsed sounds like you memorized something and are just parroting it back. Practice means you've thought through what you will say but haven't written it down and memorized it.
Click to expand...
Yes sir, I understand, I actually wrote this draft in like 10 min, I just needed some feedback. I plan of heading to my English Teacher soon, to ask for further advice, relating to this topic.
 
My advice? Don’t rush it. Write it. Edit it. Ponder, massage, change, rework it. Write a really good essay that is clear, concise, and enjoyable to read. This should take a while!
 
Yep- I agree with the you need to stand out advice. As said, you want to talk about what lead to your desire to attend the academy/serve. The info in the last paragraph was good because it gives a story and tangible reason for your passion that is specific to you. Definitely give it a good proofread, and go to your teacher if possible! Best of luck to you!
 
Your intro tells me something only you could have written. The rest could come from any applicant. You have time. Sleep on it. As others have suggested mull it over. Massage it.
Advice on this subject has been prolific. Write the essay only you can write. Your words. Your desire and reason to serve. Not hyperbole anyone can write espousing patriotism. Most who are willing to go down this path are patriotic and love America.
Also, at the end of the day, less is more. Just make sure the ‘less’ nails it and is something only you could write.
Just my two cents.
 
Capt MJ said:
Ensure you have scoped out any parameters such as max number of characters including spaces.
Click to expand...
Yes, most definitely. This rough draft came out to be the exact 300 word limit. So narrowing down, and writing everything I want to say, will be a bit difficult.
 
Heatherg21 said:
Your intro tells me something only you could have written. The rest could come from any applicant. You have time. Sleep on it. As others have suggested mull it over. Massage it.
Advice on this subject has been prolific. Write the essay only you can write. Your words. Your desire and reason to serve. Not hyperbole anyone can write espousing patriotism. Most who are willing to go down this path are patriotic and love America.
Also, at the end of the day, less is more. Just make sure the ‘less’ nails it and is something only you could write.
Just my two cents.
Click to expand...
I love this... Simple but definite.
 
Isn't there another part to this essay question? Just a suggestion to make sure you check all the boxes - one essay, quite a few pieces if I remember correctly. And they need to flow coherently into one essay. Definitely use English teacher or any other resources your school might have (writing center or college counselor,) or an old English teacher that you really liked. Show them the prompt in addition to the essay.
 
I’ll share a portion of USNA application essay that helped me get appointed to USNA. For my background, I made sure to pinpoint why I wanted to serve as an officer in the Navy, while being as authentic as possible.

“
Growing up in Northern California, I grew numb to the self-absorbed, selfish bubble of Silicon Valley. There is an archetype, people willing to sacrifice their morals to consume more. Conforming to this culture, attending cookie cutter schools, and wading in a tech start-up never appealed to me. I witnessed through a family friend and USNA Alumni’s experience allowed him to humbly thrive against the grain. I was drawn to the call to duty through sacrifice. Military service is a sacrifice and with it comes duty to those that look to you for leadership. The Naval Academy prepares midshipmen to become a responsible and capable, while exuding humble authority. The opulent privileges Silicon Valley takes for granted, are revealed for what they are as a plebe. The Naval Academy is challenging, but accepting that challenge is a commitment to forge your own path.
My desire to apply was solidified during my Naval Academy Candidate visit. Every midshipman carried themselves with a sense of discipline and integrity. Tragically, on the day I attended, a member of the brigade passed away. The brigade supported one another. Through this tragedy, I witnessed the bond, respect, that each midshipman forged with each other. Being part of the academy is to join a family united to serve people.”
 
Last edited:
NextGen89x2 said:
Isn't there another part to this essay question? Just a suggestion to make sure you check all the boxes - one essay, quite a few pieces if I remember correctly. And they need to flow coherently into one essay. Definitely use English teacher or any other resources your school might have (writing center or college counselor,) or an old English teacher that you really liked. Show them the prompt in addition to the essay.
Click to expand...
It's of course, many other pieces to the MOC Nomination, but the only essay, piece on my end, is the "Why Do I Want To Attend A Service Academy?", which the limit is 300 words.
 
JoonHa said:
I’ll share a portion of USNA application essay that helped me get appointed to USNA. For my background, I made sure to pinpoint why I wanted to serve as an officer in the Navy, while being as authentic as possible.

“
Growing up in Northern California, I grew numb to the self-absorbed, selfish bubble of Silicon Valley. There is an archetype, people willing to sacrifice their morals to consume more. Conforming to this culture, attending cookie cutter schools, and wading in a tech start-up never appealed to me. I witnessed through a family friend and USNA Alumni’s experience allowed him to humbly thrive against the grain. I was drawn to the call to duty through sacrifice. Military service is a sacrifice and with it comes duty to those that look to you for leadership. The Naval Academy prepares midshipmen to become a responsible and capable, while exuding humble authority. The opulent privileges Silicon Valley takes for granted, are revealed for what they are as a plebe. The Naval Academy is challenging, but accepting that challenge is a commitment to forge your own path.
My desire to apply was solidified during my Naval Academy Candidate visit. Every midshipman carried themselves with a sense of discipline and integrity. Tragically, on the day I attended, a member of the brigade passed away. The brigade supported one another. Through this tragedy, I witnessed the bond, respect, that each midshipman forged with each other. Being part of the academy is to join a family united to serve people.”
Click to expand...
I guess the best answers, come in the middle of the morning, 1:47 AM.. I love this though!
 
Honest advice since you are this far ahead of the game - I didn’t even start my nom essays until October - is to start a new draft, incorporate all the advice you’ve received while personalizing it as much as possible(more of that last paragraph), and then compare it to this one. Yes it might not be fun writing an entirely new one but odds are I think you will like it much better.
 
From experience with our DS, the interview is far more important than an essay, especially an essay that has been reviewed by many other people often using their words, edits and thoughts, not yours. A good interviewer cuts through all the standard phrases found in many of these essays and can be a far better judge of the candidate. Our DS is a good writer anyway but there is no doubt in our mind that the interview was a more important factor based upon the questions that were asked of him and the responses he told us he said. Basically, know who you are and not what you think someone wants you to be. However, the MOST important factors are grades and leadership (Eagle scout, Boy's/Girls state, varsity sports Captain etc.) Focus on those items first and don't overthink the essay.
 
I will say that whatever you put on that essay you better know it by heart. I was immediately called to talk about who "I looked up to." I shocked them (not a joke they remembered me as this person who said this) in my "why such and such" essay I put down what happened to my father. Hit by a rocket survived with all 4 limbs but still paying for it. In the essay, I explain I knew those risks but I still wanted to fight. So when I answered "Leader of the night witches" you could see their shock. I was supposed to answer my father right? That's what they read right? Indeed but as I explained my father is my dad. I view him with courage and lived every moment of him coming home, but I don't want to be a pilot because of him. No, I want to be the leader that didn't hesitate to bomb Nazis and was willing to go out every single time her girls did. That's the kinda leader I wanted to be. I hold my father in high esteem but he has a different leadership style than what I want to lead with.

I explained all of this in less than 3 minutes. I knew each of my essays by heart because I wrote them from my heart. Know your essay and be very prepared NOT to say it word for word. Keep the concept and detail, but keep word for word out of it. The reason they remembered me was that I answered knowing my essay and respecting what I wrote but at the same time showed I was my own person (and thus no one else wrote my essays).

I hope that made sense I'll gladly reexplain if it didn't
 
In one of my nomination interviews, I was asked to clarify points in my essays.
 
I wouldn't post essays or personal statements here. Review them with people who you know well and can comment based on what they actually know about you. Random internet strangers really know nothing about your background. While we can spot hyperbole, flowery language or cliches, we have no idea if you might have left out things significant to your background. Treat every part of the USNA (and NOM) application process as though it is important, since you just never know what might stand out (good or bad). No individual applicant will ever know what part of their application got them an appointment (or a TWE). As others have already pointed out, applying to USNA is not an essay writing contest. Even if you write an eloquent essay, there are still many other aspects of the application on which you will be evaluated. Your ability to speak clearly will be an important part of getting a NOM for any of the MOC's who do interviews, regardless of what you wrote in any essay.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top