Advice for 4/C thinking of bailing out?

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IPA

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Hi all - first-time poster/newbie here. My DS is a 4/C at one of the SAs. From what I gather from our conversations he is doing well keeping up with academics, military training, etc (though he does indicate the schedule/workload is unforgiving). He's far away from home and definitely homesick and he's made comments about leaving and coming back home to attend the local state school - it doesn't help that his local friends at home are telling him how awesome it is back home and how he's missing out on all the fun and good times back here at the local college.

Of course as a parent I shudder at the thought of him making such a decision while so new to this new way of life. My thought is for him to give it the full two years and then if he truly believes this may not be for him then at least at that point he will have given it a real go and didn't bail out three just months into it. He's very sensitive and gets easily upset at much of what I say so I am often in "listen mode." I'm feeling quite ineffective and our talks aren't real great since he "snaps" at most of my dialog....so I don't say much, making me feel pretty useless and unsupportive.

So I'm seeking advice on how I can support him and interact with him to try and make him see that (in my opinion) it's too soon to make the decision to leave, because you can't go back once you pull that trigger. The grass isn't always greener - and I suspect he would eventually have significant regret.

I'm told by other parents that the first year is very up/down so maybe what he is expressing is "normal" but it's very concerning.

Any advice appreciated - thanks!
 
Totally normal.
Do you have anyone he looks up to for advice outside of immediate family? If so, get that person in the loop to help through the rocky times. Everyone who has served has had thoughts about how bad it sucks. The funny part is that those are the memories that stick with us and over time they don’t seem so bad. Every year gets easier until graduation and then it starts all over again... a brand new O-1 is back on the bottom of the totem pole.
 
IPA said:
I'm told by other parents that the first year is very up/down so maybe what he is expressing is "normal" but it's very concerning.

Any advice appreciated - thanks!
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I call October the "melt down month" - it is a tough one to get through. Encourage him to hang in there. Reaching out to a chaplain can help as well - they often have wonderful insight to help one look at the situation from a different perspective. Best of luck.
 
Welcome to the forum! You have called out homesickness and FOMO that do tend to happen every year. As a 4th class cadet/mid, it can feel at times that nothing is going right, you are not good at anything, and you have this burning desire just to be seen/feel good at something. For athletes, they tend to get this feeling of normalcy/acceptance at practice. For others, it may be a club like band or choir. Does your son participate in anything like that?

When life at an academy is hard, friends sharing about good times back home can be hard to hear and quite an attractive alternative to the current situation. My suggestion here would be to gently point to the amazing things that SA students get to do that are not possible (realistically) at the local state school. For USAFA, this could be falconry, flying, skydiving. For USMMA it is traveling the world as a sophomore and calling those friends from Greece topside on a container ship as you are circumnavigating the globe. The FOMO tends to reverse itself on those phone calls to friends back home -- "Hey, I'm sailing in Greece -- how is your dorm?". Every SA has that special thing - find the nugget that interested your son in the first place and position it about the local alternative.

Your son will do more before lunch than the typical state college student will do all day - pump that up.

Mid terms are coming and the typical first year service academy student will see grades lower than they have ever had in their life and it will rock their confidence. They already feel like they don't belong and the report card can add another dagger. However, what they fail to realize is that they are growing in ways that were unimaginable just 6 months ago. As we enter the "Dark Ages" part of the calendar with long dark winter days, it will be critical to find something to be excited about and keep the spirits up. Graduation is simply too far out and if they have learned anything so far, shorter term goals are what keep you going.

As for how long to stay, no one can put a number on that but if you have any say in the matter, getting through the first two years will tell you all you need to know about whether or not the school is right for them. The first year is ultimately an initiation. Once complete, an entire portfolio of awesomeness opens up to the student to take advantage of. One would hope that the student would give it that long, but in the end, they earned the opportunity to experience it just as they have earned the right to get off the merry-go-round anytime they want.
 
It’s been said that SA life can be divided into three equal parts: plebe summer, plebe academic year, final three years. (Not sure which SA this was initially attributed to, but something tells me it can apply to all of them.)

So DS can look at it this way: By Christmas, he’ll be nearly 2/3 done! He should, at the very least, stick around through the first year, sit through graduation and all the glee that goes with it, then decide.

Meanwhile, couple things to consider: Search the many threads here about cadets/mids who left. It’s a fairly balanced lot and worth sharing with DS. Also, ask him and yourself, whether he attended the SA for himself or for others. Often with early departures, it’s because the mid/cadet realized they were there for people other than themselves and they didn’t want to let them down.

Finally, ask DS whether his mates are “his tribe.” And ask him if he sees himself doing active duty for five years with this tribe. That may shed some light.
 
As always, +1 to MidCake. I expect his biggest issue is home sickness which would almost certainly dissipate with time. You probably wouldn't want to be as blunt as I would, but to the best of your ability remind him that we ALL need to leave home at some point. His time is now.
 
First, you are not alone. I am sure moms and dads all over the country have had this situation come up. While mine has not expressed any desire to leave, he does have the occasional crap day and I am the soft place for him to vent. It leaves me feeling somewhat ineffective. I listen, segue to a positive and try to redirect the conversation to something he had mentioned that was a good thing. I mention his good grade on an exam, the great laughs he had with companions doing something silly. Really anything to gently steer the ship toward open water.

The first year, at any academy, is by design, meant to pressure, stress, and scramble 4/c plebes/cadets. For my kiddo, seeing the opportunities in front of him is what motivates him. Whether it is the leadership lectures, overseas research projects, future travel plans with other friends, or the career he can see 4 years down the road, that's what we try to focus on.

Each time he mentions something he heard about someone back home or fun they are having not being locked down, I bring up the video chat he had with a team leader for the upcoming Artemis mission. Bet his friends weren't in on that amazing experience!
Hang in there! And if ultimately he/she did decide to separate, it is as @shiner said, their right to get off of the merry go round.
 
I can only pass along the advice my father gave to me back in 1985 during second semester plebe year after I told him I wanted to resign and go to regular college: "Son, that is your choice to make. I hope you have the money to pay for your own education". That was enough for me to think long and hard about WHY I was thinking about leaving....it turned out that being homesick was not a good enough reason so I stayed put. Best decision I ever made.
 
Hugs to you!! I hear the pain in your post. Not so much regarding the subject matter, but as a parent who feels ineffective at the moment. I would love to PM you, but cannot yet. I do have some insight.

THIS YEAR IS HARD! It’s not the NORMAL academy experience, either...via COVID. That’s first and foremost. And honestly, it’s not fair to make a decision based upon NOW. I have no idea your family dynamic, but asking them to please hang in there and give it a try during ‘normal’ would be a route I would take.

Another thing would be to ask what their ‘plan’ is. Who will pay? What college? How does you stuff transfer? What major? WHY do you want to quit? Homesickness is a though one, but will happen no matter where. Unless they stay in mom and dads basement (ummmm...NO!!)

I would ask them to please speak to the Chaplains. Whether they are a person of faith or not, chaplains can focus in, identify and help them. Actually relieve some of the problems (that mom and dad cannot). Guide them. Advise them. There simply is NOT a better resource for guidance out there, IMO. And completely confidential. It will be a positive experience, they are amazing. And mom and dad can also reach out to them. Whether your student has or not.

It could be homesickness. It could be grades. It could be the tedium. It could be a social issue. All of these are normal. So know that.

The good news, is even if they do decide to separate, it wont happen quickly, or without serious thought and guidance. As parents, we are now sounding boards. We don’t have a say. But we can tell them we love them, and support them as long as they seek out all their options available to work through this. Advise them to talk to their chaplains office.

As a personal plea, I would ask them to not give up yet. Make it through the first year, so they have something to bring to their new school should they decide to leave. And also so they can actually apply to a new one over the summer (for example). And let them know that THEY are going to have a plan going forward. This new adulting stuff has to be on them. They have had parents to provide for them for their 18 yrs. Now they need to do it. IOW, it’s not as easy as quitting and coming home.

I’ve said before, ‘yes you can quit, but not today’. And sometimes the situation works itself out. If this has been going on for a while, that “sleep on it“ probably won’t help. But if it’s a temporary, situational thing....it often will.

Hugs! Not everyone is meant for military service. They answer may be separating. BUT encourage them to not make a hard decision through emotion (Homesickness), but rather with a well thought out, mature outlook. And a solid plan.

Good Luck.
 
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justdoit19 said:
And let them know that THEY are going to have a plan going forward. This new adulting stuff has to be on them. They have had parents to provide for them for their 18 yrs. Now they need to do it. IOW, it’s not as easy as quitting and coming home.
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Terrific advice from @justdoit19. Especially this part: “OK, you want to quit. What’s your detailed plan for going from point A to point B, and how will point B satisfy the concerns you had at point A?” I’ve found, from working a long time with people in their 20s, is that the grass is indeed greener on the other side, but they don’t know exactly why and can’t quite see the brown patches strewn about. Asking this question demands at least a basic analysis of what they’re running to, not just what they’re running from.

Finally, brace yourself for the holiday visit home. It’s often at this juncture, in the cozy confines of home and in striking distance of their old friends, that the desire to not return is strongest. Good time and place to press the issue: What’s your plan and why?
 
“Freshman” year, no matter where it’s at, is hard. My (25 yr old) daughter calls it “practicing adulting’. She also now admits that “adulting is hard”. But it doesn’t go away...like kicking the bird out of the nest.
 
When my DS was a 3C, he talked to a 4C from his team that was going to unenroll over the Christmas Holiday. Not sure what he said, and both have graduated since. I never heard about this until I met the 4C parent's a couple years later at a game......all I know is that those parents would still probably donate a kidney to my son if he needed one.
 
First, fully agree with DS talking with the chaplains. You can be an atheist and benefit from their counsel. They know the SA, they've seen MANY mids/cadets go through this struggle, and can help your DS figure out whether he should leave or whether it's a phase that most plebes endure.

Second, October is bad -- January/February are worse b/c you've been home and now have months left as a plebe. Plebe year can suck. The remaining years are MUCH better. It's been that way for at least the last 60 years and isn't going to change for the Class of 2024.

The above said, your DS went to a SA for a reason. Hopefully, those reasons will persevere. While there may be more "fun" at a civilian college, SAs are also "fun" -- just a different kind of fun. No way will he get the camaraderie at a civilian school that he gets at a SA.

Finally, don't make it easy for him to quit. If he really wants to quit, he will develop a long-term plan, including how he plans to finance his education. He made an adult decision -- now he needs to sort out that decision also as an adult.
 
usna1985 said:
First, fully agree with DS talking with the chaplains. You can be an atheist and benefit from their counsel. They know the SA, they've seen MANY mids/cadets go through this struggle, and can help your DS figure out whether he should leave or whether it's a phase that most plebes endure.

Second, October is bad -- January/February are worse b/c you've been home and now have months left as a plebe. Plebe year can suck. The remaining years are MUCH better. It's been that way for at least the last 60 years and isn't going to change for the Class of 2024.

The above said, your DS went to a SA for a reason. Hopefully, those reasons will persevere. While there may be more "fun" at a civilian college, SAs are also "fun" -- just a different kind of fun. No way will he get the camaraderie at a civilian school that he gets at a SA.

Finally, don't make it easy for him to quit. If he really wants to quit, he will develop a long-term plan, including how he plans to finance his education. He made an adult decision -- now he needs to sort out that decision also as an adult.
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Your point about attending the SA for a reason is so true. A very wise member of our state SA parent club advised our inbound plebes to write letters to themselves. A letter 'remember your why', and seal it and give it to mom or dad. Our son wrote his the night before he flew out for COVID I Day. After 19 days of quarantine, and 6 days of masked plebe summer, he ended up, along with his company back in isolation and spent 15 days in that 'not plebe summer' environment. He asked me to mail the letter. He said he read it once, and it was enough to be a 'reset' mentally. He has not mentioned it since. The reason why they chose to pursue this difficult path is definitely worth remembering and reminding them of. And getting involved in clubs, sports, is so critical to their mental health. Meeting people outside of their company, experiencing something familiar, or trying something new. All of the advice above is so good. I hope you and he wade through this and have some peace.
 
I second all the advice above. One thing that was not specifically mentioned is having a horrible roommate and how that can drag you down. If your DS has a roommate filled with negativity, it can make a difficult situation worse. Not knowing what SA is involved makes it difficult to give specific advice, but if there is a procedure to change roommates at your academy, that might make a world of difference.
Definitely encourage him to seek out a club or sport. Time is a precious commodity Plebe year, but the time spent doing something you like surrounded by upbeat people is worth the investment and may give him a reason to want to stay.
It is a new experience being a parent without all the answers. It's okay. Most (probably all) SA parents have had the same helpless feeling as you are experiencing and most SA Cadets/Mids have considered quitting at some point during their four years. Keep listening even if you don't know the right thing to say. Encourage your DS to stay through the first year so at least he will have some credits that will transfer. These feelings your DS is experiencing will likely dissipate as the year goes on and he develops closer relationships with classmates at the Academy. The trick is to encourage him to stay long enough for that to happen. Best wishes to you both!
 
I've posted this before -- I did not write this; it was sent to me over 11 years ago when DS was a Doolie, but it applies to all SAs
Of course life at any SA is very different under Covid - but most points still apply

From Someone's Very Wise Mother

1. If AFA is not for you, you have a home to come to if you leave. I will still love you and be as proud of you as I am today. However, you must not
leave on a bad day, but a good one, and you must have a plan for your future education along with the means to support it so that you can realize your dreams. This should never be a frivolous decision because you have discovered all the 'crap' you have to deal with. Each day is different and has it stresses and fun.

2. AFA has dealt with its share of scandals in the past few years, and many of the problems have stemmed from cadets drinking, both under aged and legally. I would want my son to understand that a bottle of beer or one too many, could end his dreams and it is never going to be worth it. Don't break my heart and destroy what you have been blessed with over alcohol.

3. Life is not fair in the civilian world, and it seems more unfair in the military world, but don't ever let that deter you from your goals. You make
things work for you and learn to suck up the stupid stuff.

4. The right girl/guy for you will stick with you through thick and thin and support your choice as a cadet and be tolerant of what you have to deal with. The wrong girl/guy will ask you to give it all up for her/him with no regard for your ambitions.

5. No matter what your peers do, it is up to you to make the right choice for yourself. Peer pressure is an excuse for the weak and you are in a leadership laboratory. Remember that.

6. It's so much easier to follow the rules than it is to sweat getting caught if you break them, and not be able to concentrate on the important things in your present. BTW, you WILL get caught.

7. Academics come first and foremost. You are there for the education, not to become the world's greatest boot shiner. Do everything to the best of your ability, but know the priorities for success at AFA.

8. Time management is the best skill anyone can have, and it is one you must master at AFA, because they will stress you with too much to do in too little time. Each day seems to take forever, but the years fly by.

9. Keep in touch with your family. I would love to get one or two minutes of your free time each week just to hear your voice.

10. Be honest with me about what is happening for you. If you are stressed, having academic problems, need to vent, or whatever, I love you and will be there for you always. I will do all I can to help, even if it is just to listen to you rant.
 
I'm at the Coast Guard Academy (where 3/c summer is split between the Barque EAGLE and an operational unit in the fleet) and my advice to 4/c who say they are thinking of leaving or don't like it here is that the Academy isn't really the Coast Guard. I strongly recommend to all that they stick it out through 3/c summer. If they go out to the fleet over the summer, and it still isn't for them, it probably won't get much better, but I think seeing the actual fleet and job is important to making an informed decision. I don't know but have to imagine that other Academies do similar things their 3/c summer, so I would recommend they at least stay through that if for no other reason than to make a truly informed decision.
 
Maybe show him all these words of wisdoms?

One other thing I tell my kids is this: sometimes you have to trust adults, people who have 30 years or more experience in these kinds of things. Someone who has YOUR best interest at heart, and really knows you. Sometimes you have to just trust them when you cannot think things through clearly at the moment.

Let us know how this works out for y’all!
 
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