Dad Joke thread (everybody welcome)

A frustrated neighbor was complaining about the never ending cost of his kid's education. First a BA in Egyptology but no job, then a masters and, of course, same lack of employment. Now the kid is back in school for a PHD, just so he can teach others about it and continue the cycle.

The neighbor is finally starting to realize its all a pyramid scheme.
That table has a lot of miles on it, but it looks low enough to put your feet on when you're tired or just feeling a bit deflated.
I'll bet that sales will start getting some traction now that it's Spring.
Almost more than even a real punster can comprehend............

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Two goldfish in their tank, one looks to the other and says "I'll drive, you get the guns"
Not really a dad joke. Maybe a dad disappointment. ;)

My son had plans to play tennis this afternoon. And I was going to pick him up at 6 to go to dinner.

5:36 DS: come now
5:40 Me: where are you
5:42 DS: oh wait did you actually come that soon
5:43 Me: lol no I haven’t left yet
5:43 DS: knew it
5:43 Me: you told me to come at 6
5:44 DS: Charles Dickens wrote a new book
5:44 Me: lol
5:45 DS: Low Expectations

He expected me to know he was going to be done 20 minutes early. I live 5 minutes away.

I need to know who to report this to.
Me: I trained this chicken to talk.

Susan: Okay, let's hear it.

Me: What's a male deer called?

Chicken: Buck!

Me: How much money do you have if you have 8 quarters?

Chicken: Buck! Buck!

Susan: Well now, this is just stupid!

Me: Just give it a minute. It gets better.

Chicken: It gets way better, Susan.