Help with essay!

[eaab08]

Hello everybody! This is my first post here. I was hoping for advice on my usna nomination essay. My current answer feels like it's taking the question too literally: do y'all think that they want me to tie in personal experiences or take a different route? Anything is appreciated, especially constructive criticism.
Prompt:
What is the greatest problem facing the military today? (200 word limit)
Essay:
China. Allow me to explain. I don’t mean China in the sense that we will ever go to war with them. Due to our strong economic interdependence with the country, it is in the best interests of both states to avoid a traditional military conflict. However, it has become increasingly clear that China is eager to assert dominance and expand its influence globally. The examples are countless, but to name a few: the continued harassment of Hong Kong, the CCP’s "ownership" of “Chinese Taipei”, and the building of artificial islands to unjustly expand its control of the sea. The American military must tread carefully as it deals with an increasingly aggressive trading partner. Any military action in the region can have wide-reaching detrimental effects on both nations, putting our current scenario, ironically enough, into a figurative minefield. It is my opinion that the greatest challenge will not be in any traditional conflict; America’s military is undisputed as the best in the world. No, I believe it will be the logistical hell and diplomatic caution our military must execute, the balance between supporting sovereign countries with democratic ideals while preserving our mutually beneficial economic relationship with China as much as possible.

 

[Devil Doc]

I think it is so well written it could pass for an assignment from the war college or an op-ed from a think tanker. I’ve been a reader for NHS packages four of the last five years and I’ve never seen writing like this from a high school kid. Amazing.

Beyond that though, I don’t like the problem you presented. I believe the question is more about problems such as societal issues or funding or the cost of personnel vs equipment. Maybe I’m wrong. They really might be looking for you to cover global issues rather than the day to day mundane topics.

 

[MidCakePa]

If the response comes genuinely from you, is something you truly believe, and is presented in your authentic voice — all good. Quite frankly, USNA isn’t looking for you to make a particular argument for any specific issue. So don’t try to anticipate what they want to hear.

They want to know that you’re a thoughtful person with a point of view that you can explain. Your statement can take any angle you want it to take, as long as the response is yours and yours alone. That’s really all there is to it.

 

[kinnem]

Pretty much in agreement with Devil Doc, and MidCake as well, but would add the following... while it's well written, you argue against the case you make at least twice. If our military is the best in the world, and we would not face a traditional conflict, then why is this the biggest problem facing the military? Wouldn't it be more a foreign policy and economic issue? Also, although qualitatively our military might be the best in the world, it is not nearly the largest. Stalin said "Quantity has a quality all it's own".

I think you can go with what you have, but for some reason I felt like I needed to debate your premise. That's a good thing because it indicates what you have written is very engaging.

 

[eaab08]

Thanks everybody! I really appreciate the responses. I guess I was just a little worried it came off as impersonal and robotic, but then again the prompt doesn't exactly lend itself to personal experiences. Also I really appreciate the words DevilDoc. They really made me proud

 

[Devil Doc]

Thanks everybody! I really appreciate the responses. I guess I was just a little worried it came off as impersonal and robotic, but then again the prompt doesn't exactly lend itself to personal experiences. Also I really appreciate the words DevilDoc. They really made me proud

You even used a semi colon appropriately. Most people are afraid of those things. Good luck.

 

[MidCakePa]

I guess I was just a little worried it came off as impersonal and robotic, but then again the prompt doesn't exactly lend itself to personal experiences.

Best way to determine this — to assess any essay, in fact — is to have a family member or close friend read it. If their BS meter goes off, take heed. They’re in the best position to know if it’s in your authentic voice. Then have a trusted teacher read it for grammar and punctuation, and perhaps content too.