Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and
says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that
you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And
where about from Ireland might you be"?
The other guy answers, "I'm from
Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "So am I!"
”Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So
And to what school would you have been going"?
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell
me, what year did you graduate"?
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon
us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self!"
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and
mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"?
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Q: Why don't Clemson grads use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
Q: How do you compliment a Clemson fan?
A: Nice tooth.
Q: Why don't you see many Clemson Pharmacists?
A: They can't figure out how to put the medicine bottles in the printer!
Q: What is the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.
Q: How do you keep a Clemson girl from biting her nails?
A: Make her wear shoes.
Q: How do you break a Clemson guy's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland?
A: Clemson Jokes!
A Georgia, Florida and Clemson student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Clemson. The Georgia student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!"
The Florida student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!"
Lastly the Clemson student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!"
The next day the Georgia student finds another hotdog and jumps... the Florida student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Clemson student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Georgia mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the Florida mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Clemson mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch every day!"
A wealthy old lady decides to go on
a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named
Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost.. Wandering
about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the
intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks,
'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground
close by, he immediately settles
down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching
cat. Just as the leopard is about
to leap the old poodle exclaims
'Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any
more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard
halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him
and he slinks away into the trees.
'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That
was close! That old poodle nearly
Meanwhile, a monkey who had
been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he
can put this knowledge to good
use and trade it for protection
from the leopard.
So off he goes,
but the old poodle sees him heading
after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be
up. The monkey soon catches up with
the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the
The young leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says,
'Here, monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the
leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks,
'What am I going to do now?', but
instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they
get close enough to hear,
the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn monkey?
I sent him off an hour ago
to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...
age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill!
brilliance only come with age
I am in no way insinuating that
any of you are old, some are
just more youthfully challenged.
Classes for Academy ADULTS Home on Spring Break at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by March 06, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
How To Use Only One Glass Per Hour
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Dishwasher?
Examples on Video.
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While Others Watch TV
Sitting on the Couch Simulations.
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Paid Help.
Online Classes and role-playing
How to Put Dog Food in the dog’s bowl as you’ve been gone so long you’d forgotten you have one & yes he’s yours. Your parents are just keeping him for you till you’ve a place of your own
Opening the dog food bag Techniques.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy at 21 -
Remembering to ASK Before taking off in the Car Just in Case Someone Might Have Needed to Have Gone Somewhere
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
The Cell Phone --What It Is and How It Is Used besides texting your friends.
Live Demonstration with details on how to call when you KNOW you’ll be late for dinner.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Academy Parent's support group is for parent's who have 3 years of experience. This opportunity will not be available to Plebe parents. Plebe parents will not "get" this joke for another 2 years.
I think in certain cases this could also apply to some husbands as well (not that I'm guilty or anything). I'll just list a couple of observations from my better half.
Wife - "How can you get 5 glasses on the coffee table in just the 3 hours that you've been home?"
Wife - "You do know where the toilet paper is stored, don't you?" Husband - "We keep toilet paper in the house?"
Wife - "You are cleaning up that mess!!!! I refuse to even use that toilet any more!!"
Wife - "Why is it that as soon as I'm done with the laundry you show up with an armful of clothes for me to wash??" Husband - "Ummm... I just found them??"
Husband - "I got them to the sink at least!!"
Husband - "Well if you would leave the stuff where I left it I wouldn't have to find it!!!!"
No problems there. Just don't ask the husband any questions while there is a picture and sound coming from the glowing box on the wall.
Change mother to wife and you will have a full class
No problems there. Of course the wife thinks the husband pays WAY to much attention to the dog, but I think that should be another class.
Thats why you get your own car. Or two. Or a motorcycle. (maybe my wife will read that last part!)
Wife - "Put the friggen' Blackberry down!! Who is e-mailing you with work at 10 PM?? I'm gonna break that damn thing!!" Husband - "Hold on, I have to reply real quick!"
Now these are just POSSIBLE things that MIGHT have happened in the past, or present and maybe future. I guess some of us never learn. But let me repeat, this is not me.... I heard it somewhere.... or maybe its a friend... Yea, thats it.. its a friend!!
Good stuff though!!
EDIT: Thank god I have a beautiful, loving and caring wife!!
A young Ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he clocks out of his office at about 2000, he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young Ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."
Young Ensign went on to be Laundry and Moral Officer in Antactica
This isn't a joke but I laugh every time I think about it.
I was doing some work around the house and my 14 year old son walked by. He picked up my electronic stud finder, put it on his chest and got it to light up. "It's confirmed," he said, "I'm a stud." Set it down and walked away with a straight face while everyone else was busting up.
Did I mention he wants to be a pilot? I think he'll fit right in.
In my last life I ran a construction company and we did a lot of office buildouts. I was going over a new job with the rather attractive realtor on the top floor of a class ‘A’ high rise office. Framing is metal studs and track due to fire code and the track must be ‘shot’ into the concrete flooring with a nail gun that uses a powder type cartridge, a rather noisy evolution and normally, in an occupied building, accomplished at night..
We got on the elevator to return to the ground floor and were accompanied by a little old wrinkled gentlemen all of 90 yrs old, 5’ 4” and 120 pounds soaking wet, impeccably dressed. He was ogling the realtor big time and one could see that he really was trying to think of something to say.
We continued discussing schedule, always harried on these type projects, and I mentioned that if I could get a floor plan, I would get it laid out the next day and we could ‘shoot the studs’ the following nite. The 6’ 0” realtor said that would be great. With that the little guy leaned back, looked up at her, and stated. in his best Tidewater. Virginia drawl. “I am sure glad that back in my day they didn’t shoot studs.”
In the spirit of green beer, leprechauns & such......
Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past
the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here." says Paddy, "It's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing." says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, and it says
here that he was 95 when he died!" Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God,
here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus
stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written
on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles from Dublin."