Joke for the Day

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by USNA69, Jan 12, 2007.

  1. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    HaHa...
    Wonder what LCDR's and CDR's say?
     
  2. mdlrnc

    mdlrnc 10-Year Member

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    USNA69 In many pieces of art Adam is painted as having a leaf covering his genitelia. The joke did not say anything about the type of leaf. Just that it is a leaf. It is after all a only a joke. :rolleyes:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2007
  3. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    mdlrnc - sorry 'bout that - he was just giving me a hard time.......all in good fun. :biggrin:
     
  4. jamzmom

    jamzmom 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    :bump8ls:

    Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
    After awhile, one guy looks at the other and
    says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that
    you're from Ireland."
    The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
    The first guy says, "So am I! And
    where about from Ireland might you be"?
    The other guy answers, "I'm from
    Dublin, I am."
    The first guy responds, "So am I!"
    ”Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin
    The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
    McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
    The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So
    did I!
    And to what school would you have been going"?
    The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."
    The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell
    me, what year did you graduate"?
    The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
    1964."
    The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon
    us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
    same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's
    in 1964 my own self!"
    About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a
    beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and
    mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
    Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"?
    "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
     
  5. Antoinette

    Antoinette 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    Just for jamzmom:

    Q: Why don't Clemson grads use 911 in an emergency?
    A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.

    Q: How do you compliment a Clemson fan?
    A: Nice tooth.

    Q: Why don't you see many Clemson Pharmacists?
    A: They can't figure out how to put the medicine bottles in the printer!

    Q: What is the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a catfish?
    A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.

    Q: How do you keep a Clemson girl from biting her nails?
    A: Make her wear shoes.

    Q: How do you break a Clemson guy's finger?
    A: Punch him in the nose.

    Q: What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland?
    A: Clemson Jokes!

    A Georgia, Florida and Clemson student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Clemson. The Georgia student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!"
    The Florida student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!"
    Lastly the Clemson student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!"
    The next day the Georgia student finds another hotdog and jumps... the Florida student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Clemson student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
    Later when the three mothers were grieving the Georgia mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the Florida mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Clemson mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch every day!"
     
  6. Pima

    Pima 10-Year Member

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    Here's one from our Brit neighbor:

    A wealthy old lady decides to go on
    a photo safari in Africa , taking her
    faithful aged poodle named
    Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing
    butterflies and before long, Cuddles
    discovers that he's lost.. Wandering
    about, he notices a leopard heading
    rapidly in his direction with the
    intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks,
    'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
    Noticing some bones on the ground
    close by, he immediately settles
    down to chew on the bones
    with his back to the approaching
    cat. Just as the leopard is about
    to leap the old poodle exclaims
    loudly,
    'Boy, that was one delicious
    leopard! I wonder if there are any
    more around here?'

    Hearing this, the young leopard
    halts his attack in mid-strike,
    a look of terror comes over him
    and he slinks away into the trees.

    'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That
    was close! That old poodle nearly
    had me!'

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had
    been watching the whole scene
    from a nearby tree, figures he
    can put this knowledge to good
    use and trade it for protection
    from the leopard.

    So off he goes,
    but the old poodle sees him heading
    after the leopard with great speed,
    and figures that something must be
    up. The monkey soon catches up with
    the leopard, spills the beans and
    strikes a deal for himself with the
    leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at
    being made a fool of and says,
    'Here, monkey, hop on my back
    and see what's going to happen
    to that conniving canine!

    Now, the old poodle sees the
    leopard coming with the monkey
    on his back and thinks,
    'What am I going to do now?', but
    instead of running, the dog sits
    down with his back to his
    attackers, pretending he hasn't
    seen them yet, and just when they
    get close enough to hear,
    the old poodle says.

    'Where's that damn monkey?

    I sent him off an hour ago
    to bring me another leopard!

    Moral of this story....

    Don't mess with old farts...
    age and treachery will always overcome
    youth and skill!

    Bulls*** and
    brilliance only come with age
    and experience.

    I am in no way insinuating that
    any of you are old, some are
    just more youthfully challenged.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2008
  7. Pima

    Pima 10-Year Member

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    BTW the Clemson jokes were very funny, but I guess I should start supporting DS and not laugh at them...so tsk, tsk on you...okay I couldn't even say that without laughing :shake:
     
  8. jamzmom

    jamzmom 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    Classes for Academy ADULTS Home on Spring Break at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
    by March 06, 2008


    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
    CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


    Class 1
    How To Use Only One Glass Per Hour
    Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.


    Class 2
    The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion.


    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
    Group Practice.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.


    Class 5
    Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Dishwasher?
    Examples on Video.



    Class 6
    Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
    Open Forum.


    Class 7
    Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While Others Watch TV
    Sitting on the Couch Simulations.


    Class 8
    Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Paid Help.
    Online Classes and role-playing


    Class 9
    How to Put Dog Food in the dog’s bowl as you’ve been gone so long you’d forgotten you have one & yes he’s yours. Your parents are just keeping him for you till you’ve a place of your own
    Opening the dog food bag Techniques.


    Class 10
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy at 21 -
    Remembering to ASK Before taking off in the Car Just in Case Someone Might Have Needed to Have Gone Somewhere
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

    Class 11
    The Cell Phone --What It Is and How It Is Used besides texting your friends.
    Live Demonstration with details on how to call when you KNOW you’ll be late for dinner.


    Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Academy Parent's support group is for parent's who have 3 years of experience. This opportunity will not be available to Plebe parents. Plebe parents will not "get" this joke for another 2 years.
     
  9. RetNavyHM

    RetNavyHM 10-Year Member

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    I think in certain cases this could also apply to some husbands as well (not that I'm guilty or anything). I'll just list a couple of observations from my better half.

    Class 1
    Wife - "How can you get 5 glasses on the coffee table in just the 3 hours that you've been home?"

    Class 2
    Wife - "You do know where the toilet paper is stored, don't you?" Husband - "We keep toilet paper in the house?"

    Class 3
    Wife - "You are cleaning up that mess!!!! I refuse to even use that toilet any more!!"

    Class 4
    Wife - "Why is it that as soon as I'm done with the laundry you show up with an armful of clothes for me to wash??" Husband - "Ummm... I just found them??"

    Class 5
    Husband - "I got them to the sink at least!!"

    Class 6
    Husband - "Well if you would leave the stuff where I left it I wouldn't have to find it!!!!"

    Class 7
    No problems there. Just don't ask the husband any questions while there is a picture and sound coming from the glowing box on the wall.

    Class 8
    Change mother to wife and you will have a full class

    Class 9
    No problems there. Of course the wife thinks the husband pays WAY to much attention to the dog, but I think that should be another class.

    Class 10
    Thats why you get your own car. Or two. Or a motorcycle. (maybe my wife will read that last part!)

    Class 11
    Wife - "Put the friggen' Blackberry down!! Who is e-mailing you with work at 10 PM?? I'm gonna break that damn thing!!" Husband - "Hold on, I have to reply real quick!"

    Now these are just POSSIBLE things that MIGHT have happened in the past, or present and maybe future. I guess some of us never learn. But let me repeat, this is not me.... I heard it somewhere.... or maybe its a friend... Yea, thats it.. its a friend!! :biggrin:

    Good stuff though!!

    EDIT: Thank god I have a beautiful, loving and caring wife!!
     
  10. SubSquid

    SubSquid 5-Year Member

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    A young Ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he clocks out of his office at about 2000, he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

    "Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

    "Yes, sir," says the young Ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.

    "Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."



    Young Ensign went on to be Laundry and Moral Officer in Antactica
     
  11. LineInTheSand

    LineInTheSand USCGA 2006 10-Year Member

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    Hahahaha I liked that one.
     
  12. Pima

    Pima 10-Year Member

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    Like that one too...but at the Pentagon shouldn't the Ensign be changed to Lt. Commander/Commander?

    Afterall, 0-4's at the Pentagon, have a very important job..."do you want milk and sugar in your coffee, sir/mam?"
     
  13. LineInTheSand

    LineInTheSand USCGA 2006 10-Year Member

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    That's true too.
     
  14. SubSquid

    SubSquid 5-Year Member

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    Hope this doesn't cross the PC line in the mud but it's one of my favorites:​



    The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:​


    The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was ​

    about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and ​

    Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish ​

    its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. ​

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before ​

    and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the ​

    question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it ​

    was 'pleasure?' ​

    The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.​

    A Captain said it was 50-50%.​

    The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of ​

    pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. ​

    There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in ​

    charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no ​

    hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% ​

    pleasure." ​

    The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? ​

    "Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the ​

    officers would have me doing it for them." ​
     
  15. Soylent

    Soylent 5-Year Member

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    Haha. That was great!
     
  16. Cougar_62

    Cougar_62 10-Year Member

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    I'm glad I found this thread.

    This isn't a joke but I laugh every time I think about it.

    I was doing some work around the house and my 14 year old son walked by. He picked up my electronic stud finder, put it on his chest and got it to light up. "It's confirmed," he said, "I'm a stud." Set it down and walked away with a straight face while everyone else was busting up.

    Did I mention he wants to be a pilot? I think he'll fit right in.
     
  17. molloy09

    molloy09 5-Year Member

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    Haha....Your son is very clever....That made me chuckle!
     
  18. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    Studs

    In my last life I ran a construction company and we did a lot of office buildouts. I was going over a new job with the rather attractive realtor on the top floor of a class ‘A’ high rise office. Framing is metal studs and track due to fire code and the track must be ‘shot’ into the concrete flooring with a nail gun that uses a powder type cartridge, a rather noisy evolution and normally, in an occupied building, accomplished at night..

    We got on the elevator to return to the ground floor and were accompanied by a little old wrinkled gentlemen all of 90 yrs old, 5’ 4” and 120 pounds soaking wet, impeccably dressed. He was ogling the realtor big time and one could see that he really was trying to think of something to say.

    We continued discussing schedule, always harried on these type projects, and I mentioned that if I could get a floor plan, I would get it laid out the next day and we could ‘shoot the studs’ the following nite. The 6’ 0” realtor said that would be great. With that the little guy leaned back, looked up at her, and stated. in his best Tidewater. Virginia drawl. “I am sure glad that back in my day they didn’t shoot studs.”
     
  19. jamzmom

    jamzmom 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    Son asked, “Mom, who did I get my intelligence from? You or Dad?” I answered, “You had to have gotten your Dad’s because I still have mine.” :smile:
     
  20. jamzmom

    jamzmom 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    In the spirit of green beer, leprechauns & such......

    Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home
    from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past
    the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here." says Paddy, "It's Michael
    O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
    "That's nothing." says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, and it says
    here that he was 95 when he died!" Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God,
    here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus
    stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written
    on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles from Dublin."

    Happy St. Patty's Day!