Worried about our DS. Is it OK to speak with his NROTC Unit?

truenorth

truenorth

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Hi everyone. I am looking for advice on how to address a concern we have for our 3/C DS. He is on a national scholarship and entering his second year of college, majoring in engineering. To be specific, I am wondering if it is OK for me to have a private call with his unit commander and ask them to look out for him. Some background....

From what I have been able to piece together, he had a terrible roommate situation coupled with falling in with some lads who didn’t necessarily bring out the best in him. Lots of drinking, etc. Adding fuel to the fire was a freshman year romance that is still in play. We have met her, she is nice and all, but she brings drama to his life that he doesn’t need and he lacks the maturity (his parents’ opinion, admittedly) to keep all aspects of his life in balance. His preoccupation with his girlfriend bleeds into everything he does and thinks about. It led to a not-so-stellar academic performance….our honor roll high school student struggled for C’s and barely kept his scholarship intact for another year.

As time has gone on, he vacillates between being withdrawn and moody and being the bright, happy kid we are used to seeing. Some of this is the daily separation from the girlfriend during the summer, though they have managed to find wknds together. His drinking with friends continued this summer - typical teenage bs. I know I am dealing with an almost 19-year-old kid and college sophomore, and a lot of this is par for the course, but there is a hint of sadness to him that I cannot shake. I have told him I am concerned for him, we have talked about depression, and he has promised me he will come to us if he can’t handle things on his own. Yet, part of me wants to quietly find a way to nudge him into a support network at school. I can see the eye-rolling if I suggest talking to a counselor or chaplain at school. (He no longer goes to church, but that is another topic.)

We did have a long talk with him a few weeks ago, and helped him map out goals for the major areas of his life. They are his goals, not ours, and he seemed engaged about it. He knows he has a very tough year ahead of him academically.

He does seem to love his NROTC life genuinely. His fit-rep report was impressive, but a notation from the counselor encouraged him to get more involved in the life of the Unit. I remember the Unit Commander meeting with freshman parents last year, inviting us to call any time, yet I hesitate to do so as I don’t want to create issues for our DS or get him labeled inadvertently. On the other hand, if I were the Unit Commander, I presume I would want to know if I had a kid that needs some support. Nothing intrusive, but just some extra effort to pull him into the life of the Unit, give him a sense of belonging, etc.

I have a feeling that if the Unit extends an arm out to him, more than they already do, and just make an effort to look out for him, this may be the support network he needs as he learns to navigate the shoals of his love life and academics.

For you “veterans” out there who may have gone through something similar, would the Unit welcome a call from a parent in this context, would they respect our request for confidentiality? Or could a call from us inadvertently mushroom into something we wouldn’t want? We are definitely not “helo” parents, but I will admit we are very concerned and we are trying to strike the right balance between love for our DS and respecting his privacy.

Parenting is tough, no matter how old they get. Sorry for the long post, but those of you who may have been through this hopefully understand.
 
truenorth said:
From what I have been able to piece together, he had a terrible roommate situation coupled with falling in with some lads who didn’t necessarily bring out the best in him. Lots of drinking, etc. Adding fuel to the fire was a freshman year romance that is still in play. We have met her, she is nice and all, but she brings drama to his life that he doesn’t need and he lacks the maturity (his parents’ opinion, admittedly) to keep all aspects of his life in balance. His preoccupation with his girlfriend bleeds into everything he does and thinks about. It led to a not-so-stellar academic performance….our honor roll high school student struggled for C’s and barely kept his scholarship intact for another year.
Click to expand...

This could describe quite a few freshman experiences, not as uncommon as you might think. I would think real hard before contacting his NROTC Command.

A lot of new freshman struggle to find their way the first year, everything is new and they have a new found freedom that sometimes gets in the way. The girlfriend issue is something only he can deal with, the unit commander won't be any help with that, as far as the drinking, if that's brought up to the commander he won't have to worry about NROTC anymore.

It seems to me that your son needs to find a path that works for him and he'll need to find it on his own or make some tough decisions. I'm not sure when your son starts school again but if he hasn't already then he needs to think hard about whether his girlfriend and the party life at school is more important to him then NROTC. If your son starts day one of his sophomore year and decides to quit NROTC or is disenrolled for some reason, he will owe the Navy all the tuition that has already been paid, if he leaves before the start of the year then he will owe nothing, something he should think hard about.

If it's ok I'll PM you with some of the experiences we had with our sons, might help a bit.
 
I feel for OP, as this is a very difficult situation. Try as we might, it’s not easy to stop parenting. Even if we remain hands-off, the worrying never goes away.

But I would only contact his chain-of-command as a last resort. If his life is in danger, absolutely! If his scholarship eligibility or military aspirations hang in the balance, then no! Your DS is an adult, and you getting involved through his unit is a yellow flag, if not worse. The military is a demanding place and profession, and it requires focus and drive. If parents need to contact the unit for help in those areas, or just to ask that they “keep an eye out for junior,” I’d imagine things would only get worse. Maybe a lot worse.

So deal with it directly with your DS. I wish you the best, and hope this is nothing more than a “phase.”
 
I have no advice to give you, other than support! I feel for you as a parent watching their child make decisions that may not be the best. Not sure if its the age, but the whole moody and/or withdrawn thing is something I see with my teens. As for the drinking underage, in my opinion that needs to be stopped or put in check, as some students have lost their scholarships over it if it comes to the attention of the unit. Not to mention the bad decisions people make while under the influence. Do you know of any friends of his from the unit you could reach out to? What about any other unit parents? Perhaps reach out to them for feedback? Is there a unit-parent FB page where you could 'meet' some of the upperclass parents for feedback? Best of luck
 
I agree that getting his command into the loop is going make more problems for him. As other have said, if this was life threatening issue, then of course you should get his command involved. There is nothing they could do about the girlfriend even if they wanted to and it would more likely push him away from NROTC and move him closer to her if they tried.. The drinking is unfortunately a function of college life and honestly there isnt much to do about it. He cant go to the bars but there are plenty of parties where they serve beer to everyone. I was in fraternity in my day and i know how it works. My son had a car but moved into an apartment with his fellow AR Rotc cadets (actually they were Arnold Air) that was literally 5 minutes walking distance from school and the bars. They had enough sense that if they were going to drink, they would never have an issue with drunk driving. Would i prefer that he not drink at all, of course but at least I never had to worry about getting a call about him getting arrested for drunk driving or god forbid that he got into an accident while drunk. First year is tough for everyone and enginnerring major is tough. My son went to Purdue where its relatively easy to get into the Engineering major but tough as hell to stay in it. It could be that your son didnt apply himself freshman year because of the distraction, it could also be that engineering isnt for him. My son, while he had many friends in AF Rotc and Arnold Air, he had one close friend from AFRotc and one close friend that he has known since they were 9 years olds playing little league. When (not if) my wife would freak out about something regarding my son, she would contact (last resort) them and figure out what was going on. The friend from little league was easy because we kept a friendship with his mom so we would have his mom call and find out. With the Rotc friend, my wife would call him. Mind you, this only happened maybe twice in four years, but for us it was great way to find out what was happening when something went wrong.
 
OP: you may want to consider discussing the situation with the School/College/ Department guidance counsellor or social services. The problems you describe are not military or ROTC related but will result in ROTC issues if they continue or get out of hand.

Also, is there any suspicion that this is a silent protest against ROTC? Sometimes students send obtuse signals when they fear letting their parents down.

Best wishes.
 
I have no idea what kind of relationship you have with your son and what works for me might not work for you. For better or worse, I grew up in military family and personally did 30 years in law enforcement so I don't operate in "gray" areas. Before my son went back to school, I'd pull him aside and have a "come to Jesus" talk with him. I don't pull any punches and lay it all on the line....the financial ramifications, the potential to be forced into the military at an E-1 and the lost opportunity of going to college at all. Of course, that is one reason people on the board always say to make sure you can afford the college you attend just in case things don't work out (should he want to pull out altogether before school starts).
 
+1 to k2rider on ramifications that you need to have a come to Jesus meeting about. Not sure what your situation is bit the grimmer picture you can paint the better. Sometimes fear is a great motivator. I definitely agree yo should not call the nit unless something life threatening develops. As someone else said, calling the guidance counselor might be a good idea if you have to call someone.

It's possible to balance the girlfriend, studies, and NROTC. Thousands of midshipmen do it successfully every year. Chances are the girlfriend won't be there after college so he shouldn't sacrifice his education and career for a girlfriend who will likely not be around. Simple statistics. If she is around after college then keeping it balanced now will make it easier to keep it balanced in the future. Not sure how you get that through to him, but had to mention it.

Good luck
 
"Encourage" (back to the come to Jesus statement) him to deal with the situation. It's okay to voice your parental concerns to HIM. The NROTC unit should have a staff advisor for each class (sophomore for him). The staff advisor has a vested interest in seeing that midshipmen succeed. One of the responsibilities of any military officer is being there to counsel those in their charge that are struggling. Your son can take advantage of this -- and then learn from it and pay it forward when it is his turn.
 
^^^^ So true. I've seen kids lose scholarships over it. Hell, one dumb freshman showed up drunk to PT one morning. He was gone by noon.
 
Back to the OP's DS. His NROTC unit handbook probably has a blurb similar to this:

Class Advisors. Students must keep their Class Advisors informed and are encouraged to seek her/him in matters relating to academics, personal matters, professional guidance, legal matters, and other non-Battalion matters. Marines and Marine Options receive professional guidance from the MOI.
 
kinnem said:
^^^^ So true. I've seen kids lose scholarships over it. Hell, one dumb freshman showed up drunk to PT one morning. He was gone by noon.
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Not trying to go off track, but I think this is an important point. At my DS's unit (AFROTC) they were all called Sunday night to be in at O'Dark thirty Monday a.m. Why? Because 18 yo kids don't truly understand FB. Kids think that by accepting every friend request and joining every group nothing will bite them in their arse, because in their eyes it is private! WRONG!

When that cadet joins their det FB page they let them enter through the back door of their own page and see photos that a friend of a friend tagged them in a photo.

Back to why they were called in that Monday a.m. One Friday night a cadet (underage) was seen pouring a beer from a keg. It was posted on FB, not by the cadet, but a friend that tagged them. Due to the tagging, and the cadet belonging to the unit's FB page they were able to see the picture. The cadet got a lashing, but because they could not say with a definitive decision that he was pouring it for himself and not someone else, they escaped.
~ My DS was 20 at this point, and I am sure he drank underage (I am not naïve), however, he relayed the story that day to me. Lesson he learned was FB is not always your friend.
~~ He went from 700+ friends to about 69, friends that knew not to tag him on FB.
~~~ To this day, he is now an O3, you will find no activity on his FB page, not even when his 1st child was born. I think the last time he posted was due to a solemn occasion, C130J crash from his base.

Back on topic. We all have been through this, be it a child in ROTC or a traditional college student. Here are my opinions.
1. Freshmen yr is impo the hardest. Sophomore yr they tend to get an air/confidence in their step. They know the school. They know the unit.
2. I would NEVER contact the unit.
~ I don't know NROTC, but in AFROTC, this might lead to him not getting a leadership position within the unit. The COC and cadre might by pass him because of your fears, right or wrong.
~ He has to live his life in the military. I mean this with kindness as a Mom, but there is no room or respect for helicopter parents that hover publicly. Just me, but I think you are risking your relationship by contacting the unit, he may be embarrassed and now shut down even more. You state you are not helo's, but this would be seen as a helo.
3. I don't know what school he attends, nor do we need to know. Is it close by where you can go to Parent's weekend or a football game? If so than you can see for yourself how he is doing without making it a big deal of why you are there.

Hope that helps.
 
My son is just a Plebe at USNA, but if I ever talked to someone in the command structure about him I don't think he would ever want to talk to me again. He's a lot like me that way. It's his life, and I try to let him live it without offering unsolicited advice anymore. As soon as I moved away from home, my parents did the same thing and I really appreciated it.

There was a time that I was also bulletproof and beer was a food group.
I made mistakes - but they were MY mistakes - and I learned important lessons from them.

It's different if you feel he's a danger to himself or others, however.
 
Most of us never stop being parents. My daughter and fam live in a gated country club and we still provide things they could buy but they cannot buy time and love. My son is the CO of a high speed unit in the 1st MarDiv and while training his company in the desert of New Mexico a few days ago got a call from his battalion commander. He was told he will chop to the MEF for pre-deployment work ups for another trip to the Middle East. He will deploy to Iraq soon. He has never had a B billet in seven years and this will put him well beyond eight. The real world reality of the operational military is serious business. Preparing for that reality is also serious business.

I think you should snatch your boy up and talk real world. If needed call the unit, otherwise, he may never see a day with a green pay check.
 
I disagree with some of the comments. I get they are adults and have to lead their own lives. Having said that, turning 18 isnt some magical number and the stupidty they made have had at 17 will probably remain at 18. There is a difference between trying to control someones life and making sure they dont make stupid mistakes that can follow them their whole lifes. A speech is great and helpful but it isnt something that is going to last four years of college. As it should be, my wife's and I involvment in my 22 years life has diminsed since high school as he has taken more responsibility for his own life. However I am 55 and he is 22, and while I wont be pretentious to say that I am wise and intellligent, I do have a little more experience than him, and know what to look out for. He thinks he is bulletproof, everyone around him is honest and no one will steal from him when we all know that that isnt true. So if we were to think my son was screwing up his life in one fashion or another, we would get involved. Maybe getting punished for some stupid act and having to pay for it may make him a better person in the long run, but honestly, I am not willing for any of my children to pay the price if somehow I could have stopped it.
 
I should add that is why I mentioned unsolicited advice. My son is welcome to all the wisdom that I have, as long as he asks for it.
He still often does, and I am thrilled to offer what I have.

Turning 18 was a magical number for me, because I moved out and never came back to live with my parents. That made me a grownup - at least in my book - and I started acting like one. Kids are living with their parents well into their twenties now, which (again, just in my book) makes them kids still learning to be grownups.

But what do I know? I'm a curmudgeon. My wife says I'm a lovable curmudgeon, so that's okay in my book. ;)
 
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